I went about my normal routine today with one exception: I called our daughter, Lisa, and told her about the scheduled biopsy. Her reaction was basically, “Don’t go looking to borrow trouble.” In other words, don’t put any energy into worrying about if it is cancer or not until you get the results from the biopsy. “You’ll be fine, Mom,” Lisa said, “It’s probably nothing but some scar tissue left over from that injury.” That was the extent of our conversation about that subject. We did talk much on the challenges of raising a family that now included teenagers!
Calling Lisa left me upset. How are they ever going to make it through these challenges? But the Lord had counseled that I leave their problems in His hands. My worrying about them cannot be a healthy thing when I am in a battle for my own well-being!
One of the hymns to be played in our church's main meeting (called Sacrament) on Sunday will be played is #128 in our LDS hymnal, “When Faith Endures.” I took it out to practice on the piano. Reading the words was like Heavenly Father speaking directly to me:
I will not doubt; I will not fear.
God’s love and strength are always near
His promised gift helps me to find
An inner strength and peace of mind.
I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His Spirit guides; His love assures
That fear departs when faith endures.
I saw the message as the very foundation of the battle I am now in.
Tried to get ahold of my friend Maureen. It’s been almost a year since she faced the same thing I now am going to go through. It would have been good to talk with her except she was not available. She was ministering to a neighbor, an older woman named Ruth. Ruth has inflammatory breast cancer. Her radiation burns requires changing bandages 3 times daily. Maureen is the 'angel' that does this for her. Ruth only has a few months to live. This is her second go-around with breast cancer. She went the conventional medical route both times.
In the end, this day felt so normal! It is hard to believe that I might be facing serious health problems. I don’t look sick; I don’t feel sick. Should I be taking it easy to conserve my strength or what? A strange feeling!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2006 - Bittersweet Valentine's Day
Rex brought to Bree’s home a dozen beautiful red roses for Valentine’s Day. His card read, “You are very loved by me. You are very special to me.” Looking at those roses gave me strength today.
I did have a couple of meltdowns. We visited the Idaho Boise Temple and I could hardly control my crying. I was fine with thinking about the ‘what ifs’ until I realized I didn’t mind the thought of death. I could handle that – my work in family history could be done just as well as on the other side of the veil. What opened the floodgates was thinking about my grandchildren and our son, Mike. The two things that could keep me wanting to be here on earth weren’t in place: I don’t have day-to-day interaction with our daughter, Lisa’s children; they live so far away! Also, Mike’s not in a ‘space’ – place – just yet for the two little spirits that are waiting up in heaven to come down to him.
In the temple, I received several insights that helped me get through the day. One of these was that the mass was cancer and another was that I would live. I asked Heavenly Father a question – not in anger but simply an innocent “I’d like to know why.” I was told one of the reasons why – very comforting – and had the impression that I would be healed in a Reliv-type way. I was comforted. (Reliv is a nutritional drink I've been taking for about a year now.)
Rex and I continued our errands, had lunch at a nice upscale Italian restaurant, and then left for home. Thoughts of ‘what if’ began to crowd in again. From the beginning, Rex encouraged me to speak of my feelings. (This is most surprising as Rex himself is not a 'touchy, feely' type of guy.) This time, I shared with him my disgruntlement about being hit (possibly) with another major health problem. I had just received my cholesterol scores on Sat., 4 days ago and was definitely not happy that all my hard work to get it under control through natural means was not panning out. And now this!
I did OK handling the situation – until about 7 PM. I was becoming a basket case again and asked Rex for a blessing of comfort. In this, my first blessing, I could feel my Father’s love. I was to lay aside my worries about my children. For now, our children and grandchildren are safely in the Father’s hands. I was told to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit - several times. Also, curiously, during this time I will be sensitive to both my needs and the needs of others. I sensed that Rex and I would have a couple of weeks sweetly comforted by the Heavenly Father.
After this, I emailed my sisters and brother asking for their prayers. Went to sleep curled up in Rex’s arms.
I did have a couple of meltdowns. We visited the Idaho Boise Temple and I could hardly control my crying. I was fine with thinking about the ‘what ifs’ until I realized I didn’t mind the thought of death. I could handle that – my work in family history could be done just as well as on the other side of the veil. What opened the floodgates was thinking about my grandchildren and our son, Mike. The two things that could keep me wanting to be here on earth weren’t in place: I don’t have day-to-day interaction with our daughter, Lisa’s children; they live so far away! Also, Mike’s not in a ‘space’ – place – just yet for the two little spirits that are waiting up in heaven to come down to him.
In the temple, I received several insights that helped me get through the day. One of these was that the mass was cancer and another was that I would live. I asked Heavenly Father a question – not in anger but simply an innocent “I’d like to know why.” I was told one of the reasons why – very comforting – and had the impression that I would be healed in a Reliv-type way. I was comforted. (Reliv is a nutritional drink I've been taking for about a year now.)
Rex and I continued our errands, had lunch at a nice upscale Italian restaurant, and then left for home. Thoughts of ‘what if’ began to crowd in again. From the beginning, Rex encouraged me to speak of my feelings. (This is most surprising as Rex himself is not a 'touchy, feely' type of guy.) This time, I shared with him my disgruntlement about being hit (possibly) with another major health problem. I had just received my cholesterol scores on Sat., 4 days ago and was definitely not happy that all my hard work to get it under control through natural means was not panning out. And now this!
I did OK handling the situation – until about 7 PM. I was becoming a basket case again and asked Rex for a blessing of comfort. In this, my first blessing, I could feel my Father’s love. I was to lay aside my worries about my children. For now, our children and grandchildren are safely in the Father’s hands. I was told to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit - several times. Also, curiously, during this time I will be sensitive to both my needs and the needs of others. I sensed that Rex and I would have a couple of weeks sweetly comforted by the Heavenly Father.
After this, I emailed my sisters and brother asking for their prayers. Went to sleep curled up in Rex’s arms.
Monday, Feb. 13, 2006 - Discovery
Rex and I drove down to Boise on Mon, Feb. 13th for our annual physical exams. Looking back on it now, I know we were both a little nervous: Rex because of the PSA test he’d take and for me, because of the mammogram I’d take. Rex has been working for the past two years on decreasing his high PSA score by drinking Essiac tea. As for me, I noticed an area on my left breast a few weeks ago (couple of months?) that had changed. It was in the same place where I’d received a volleyball injury several years ago in 2000. Sure enough, the mammogram showed a ‘hot spot’ that needed to be examined further so an ultrasound was done.
The ultrasound showed that the area – now called ‘a mass’ had changed from a mammogram taken back in 2002. It had become denser. An appt. was made for a biopsy, Thurs, Feb. 16th.
In the following hours, I had a few moments of pure fear, the ‘what ifs’ implications. However, as we were staying over at Steve and Bree’s for the night, I quashed my fears, played with the grandchildren (a joy) and later played cards with Bree, Bree’s father (Mike) and Rex.
The irony of it all is that on our trip down, we gave our friend, Lavona a ride to the airport. She was flying out to Pocatello, Idaho for her mother had just died on Sat night – from breast cancer.
The ultrasound showed that the area – now called ‘a mass’ had changed from a mammogram taken back in 2002. It had become denser. An appt. was made for a biopsy, Thurs, Feb. 16th.
In the following hours, I had a few moments of pure fear, the ‘what ifs’ implications. However, as we were staying over at Steve and Bree’s for the night, I quashed my fears, played with the grandchildren (a joy) and later played cards with Bree, Bree’s father (Mike) and Rex.
The irony of it all is that on our trip down, we gave our friend, Lavona a ride to the airport. She was flying out to Pocatello, Idaho for her mother had just died on Sat night – from breast cancer.
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