From the first, this day was to be dedicated to study and research.
Our neighbor, Jerry W.., dropped by this morning to fully share with us his own experience with breast cancer.
I have to say that before this setback, I would not have listened openly or closely to what Jerry had to say. My mind was made up: No radiation or chemotherapy. Now, with the risk increased, I knew I had to be more open-minded and learn more so I could make a responsible judgment for myself.
Jerry’s been through it all. He had a radical mastectomy on one breast. He tested negative for the hereditary breast cancer gene even though both his mother and sister died from it. He had radiation and chemotherapy. He elected to have the other breast removed in the one or two years following the first. He’s now been on hormone therapy for 2-3 years, the dreaded Tamoxifen.
Jerry brought over a book for me to read, a gift, “Living Through Breast Cancer.” It’s by a doctor who herself was diagnosed with breast cancer. With no time to read even a little bit of it before tomorrow, I asked him to describe 2 things that he thought were most importantly given in this book.
This he did.
“One. It’s important that you and Rex stick together through this and support each other.”
“Two,” he began and I could hear a catch in his throat, “Imagine to yourself that someone who loves you dearly is always by your side. It could be Rex or it could be Jesus Christ. The important thing is for you to remember that you are never alone during this trial.”
I was touched by what he said. It seemed particularly significant coming from one who’s just recently found his faith in the Lord. (Jerry is not LDS.)
Jerry’s visit brought me the second gift of quieting my fears of radiation and chemotherapy. He says now that he didn’t have any particularly bad side effects. (Rex remembers him as saying how bad the chemotherapy was when he was going through it, though!) The bottom line is that it is important to remember that the decision is a no-brainer: Who would not do 6 months of chemotherapy in exchange for the hope of many additionally healthy years to come?
In the afternoon, I got on the internet and found two very good websites. One was from John Hopkins Cancer Care Center. (John Hopkins is a highly respected name known the world over.) At this site, I could entered keywords in a search engine at the “Ask An Expert” page for breast cancer. The results returned were detailed answers to other women’s questions. By and large, they wanted to know what the terms on the pathologist’s report meant. This website was very helpful. Additionally, John Hopkins provided a toll-free number whereby one could call and talk (without charge) for a brief consultation. I left a message on their machine.
The second website was at CancerFacts.com. This is another conventional medical website that gives you some invaluable information. After registering, (it’s free), you can answer a lengthy questionnaire and receive back a recommendation for cancer treatment.
It was heartening to think that through these two websites and what the oncologist would say tomorrow, I’d have a good foundation upon which to make a solid decision.
Monday, December 17, 2007
April 4, 2006: Tuesday: - IHC and FISH
I awake at 8:30 AM – crying. I talk with Rex for over an hour – through angry tears. Upset, confused, disappointed, doubtful, furious. If it would help the situation, I’d scream at the top of my lungs and throw any object with reach as fast as I could pick them up… It’s a good thing that Rex is still numb because he heard it all today. At least the numbness helps him to withstand my angry onslaught of words.
I AM ANGRY. The harsh reality of the moment means a postponement of experiencing the joy of living my life again. I’d had that happy feeling for the past two days and now I’m angry that it’s been stripped from me so soon! Normally, I hate to be sick. After two days of any illness, I have to be up and doing again, happily engaged and productive.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND. What does it mean, the promise given in one blessing, that the procedures would be ‘minimally intrusive?’ I certainly would not call the possibility of facing additional surgery and other suggested therapy treatment as ‘minimally intrusive.’ Nothing is clear; all is cloudy. I feel like I’m in the dark. Who and what do I trust now in order to make a sound decision? Myself? The answers to prayer I’ve received? God? The promises in the blessings I’ve received?
Quietly, a still, small voice says, “The cancerous tumor in the breast did shrink some. You did not ask amiss: the cancer is gone from your body. You’re just surprised to learn of a second spot. Really, all did turn out for the best. Your prayers and the prayers of your family and friends were heard and answered. You are following an inspired course. It’s just going to take a little longer than you thought.”
Humbled, I think of my anger and castigate myself for my lack of faith. I feel horrible. In a more humble frame of mind, I remember that in the blessing the Stake President gave, he said, “You will yet have a crisis of faith.’
This new challenge must be it! Then I think, this ‘test of faith’ could have been so much worse: I could have lost Rex suddenly in an accident. What if we’d lost one of our beloved grandchildren? We could have lost all our money in the stock market. We could have lost our home to fire, etc… WThe truth is that when my ‘test’ came, I wasn’t at all noble or brave or courageous. I feel like I am in a ‘black hole’ with patches of gray barely discernable. This feeling continues through much of the day.
I know I have to put this aside but terrible angry thoughts continue: Is He really there and is He really listening? Does what I have to say and what I want to do with my life, my talents, my gifts count for anything at all? If not, what good is free will? I know I want a blessing but I will not ask for one until my anger can be put aside. I read scriptures and pray in an effort to help the anger subside.
My spirit is softened and I realized in a flash of insight that it is normal for people to experience such anger when faced with a deep personal crisis. I’d felt a brief moment of what it feels like to be severely depressed. When you are, you say and feel all those things that I felt and said. With this insight, I felt the He did indeed understand and that He had forgiven me my lack of faith, etc.. I could then forgive myself and go on with what needed to be done today even as the day wound down. I felt healed.
I got on the internet to do some research. We have an appointment with the Dr. H…, the systemic oncologist, on Thursday. That means I have just over a day’s time to become familiar with as much of the terminology in the pathologist’s report as I can possible learn. A couple of things stick out. One is the score for the HER-2 gene. It is a 2+ and the pathologist advises a further test called FISH. What’s this all about?
I find from conventional medical websites that the HER-2 gene is something that occurs in 30% of all estrogen receptive positive breast cancers. It is a marker for aggressive breast cancer. The test normally given is the ImmunoHistoChemical (IHC). The range of scores is, on the positive side, between 0 and 3+. A score of 2+ is considered borderline grounds for concern. A score of 3+ is ‘you’ve got it.’
My sample tissue is now being subjected to the more expensive test called FISH (Fluorescence In Situ Hybridization). The FISH test is more accurate and rarely results in a false positive such as does happen with the IHC. The results have not been returned from the pathologist lab to the surgeon or oncologist.
This new information has an effect similar to being electronically shocked. What? It’s possible that I could have a whole lot more serious problem? Ironically, it kicked me right out of the anger and into the attitude once more of ‘I must have faith and trust in God.’
In the early evening, I receive a blessing of comfort under Rex’s hands.
More than once Heavenly Father acknowledges his love for me.
He will be there to help me plan in the days, weeks, and years ahead.
(Interesting that he didn’t say “months.”)
I will know what is right for me because I will understand it.
(I believe this relates to research and the counsel the doctor(s) may give.)
The hopes and desires I had of going on a mission are to be set aside for now. Whatever the future entails, the responsibilities I fulfill will be sweeter than I can now imagine.
Heavenly Father said that He is interested in what I want to do with my life and that we will work together in those areas for the greater good of all.
I am calmed.
I am encouraged because I know how to recognize what will be right for me.
I am filled with resolve to proceed with the decision-making process.
I can’t say that I’m so eager to learn and know as I once was for the simple fact of the matter is that the risk has markedly increased.
I AM ANGRY. The harsh reality of the moment means a postponement of experiencing the joy of living my life again. I’d had that happy feeling for the past two days and now I’m angry that it’s been stripped from me so soon! Normally, I hate to be sick. After two days of any illness, I have to be up and doing again, happily engaged and productive.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND. What does it mean, the promise given in one blessing, that the procedures would be ‘minimally intrusive?’ I certainly would not call the possibility of facing additional surgery and other suggested therapy treatment as ‘minimally intrusive.’ Nothing is clear; all is cloudy. I feel like I’m in the dark. Who and what do I trust now in order to make a sound decision? Myself? The answers to prayer I’ve received? God? The promises in the blessings I’ve received?
Quietly, a still, small voice says, “The cancerous tumor in the breast did shrink some. You did not ask amiss: the cancer is gone from your body. You’re just surprised to learn of a second spot. Really, all did turn out for the best. Your prayers and the prayers of your family and friends were heard and answered. You are following an inspired course. It’s just going to take a little longer than you thought.”
Humbled, I think of my anger and castigate myself for my lack of faith. I feel horrible. In a more humble frame of mind, I remember that in the blessing the Stake President gave, he said, “You will yet have a crisis of faith.’
This new challenge must be it! Then I think, this ‘test of faith’ could have been so much worse: I could have lost Rex suddenly in an accident. What if we’d lost one of our beloved grandchildren? We could have lost all our money in the stock market. We could have lost our home to fire, etc… WThe truth is that when my ‘test’ came, I wasn’t at all noble or brave or courageous. I feel like I am in a ‘black hole’ with patches of gray barely discernable. This feeling continues through much of the day.
I know I have to put this aside but terrible angry thoughts continue: Is He really there and is He really listening? Does what I have to say and what I want to do with my life, my talents, my gifts count for anything at all? If not, what good is free will? I know I want a blessing but I will not ask for one until my anger can be put aside. I read scriptures and pray in an effort to help the anger subside.
My spirit is softened and I realized in a flash of insight that it is normal for people to experience such anger when faced with a deep personal crisis. I’d felt a brief moment of what it feels like to be severely depressed. When you are, you say and feel all those things that I felt and said. With this insight, I felt the He did indeed understand and that He had forgiven me my lack of faith, etc.. I could then forgive myself and go on with what needed to be done today even as the day wound down. I felt healed.
I got on the internet to do some research. We have an appointment with the Dr. H…, the systemic oncologist, on Thursday. That means I have just over a day’s time to become familiar with as much of the terminology in the pathologist’s report as I can possible learn. A couple of things stick out. One is the score for the HER-2 gene. It is a 2+ and the pathologist advises a further test called FISH. What’s this all about?
I find from conventional medical websites that the HER-2 gene is something that occurs in 30% of all estrogen receptive positive breast cancers. It is a marker for aggressive breast cancer. The test normally given is the ImmunoHistoChemical (IHC). The range of scores is, on the positive side, between 0 and 3+. A score of 2+ is considered borderline grounds for concern. A score of 3+ is ‘you’ve got it.’
My sample tissue is now being subjected to the more expensive test called FISH (Fluorescence In Situ Hybridization). The FISH test is more accurate and rarely results in a false positive such as does happen with the IHC. The results have not been returned from the pathologist lab to the surgeon or oncologist.
This new information has an effect similar to being electronically shocked. What? It’s possible that I could have a whole lot more serious problem? Ironically, it kicked me right out of the anger and into the attitude once more of ‘I must have faith and trust in God.’
In the early evening, I receive a blessing of comfort under Rex’s hands.
More than once Heavenly Father acknowledges his love for me.
He will be there to help me plan in the days, weeks, and years ahead.
(Interesting that he didn’t say “months.”)
I will know what is right for me because I will understand it.
(I believe this relates to research and the counsel the doctor(s) may give.)
The hopes and desires I had of going on a mission are to be set aside for now. Whatever the future entails, the responsibilities I fulfill will be sweeter than I can now imagine.
Heavenly Father said that He is interested in what I want to do with my life and that we will work together in those areas for the greater good of all.
I am calmed.
I am encouraged because I know how to recognize what will be right for me.
I am filled with resolve to proceed with the decision-making process.
I can’t say that I’m so eager to learn and know as I once was for the simple fact of the matter is that the risk has markedly increased.
April 3, 2006: Monday - Pathology Report Results
The pathologist’s report came in and Rex and I headed down to Boise. What we expected to learn and what we did learn were two entirely different things.
We expected that these final results would tell us what size the tumor was and if it were estrogen-positive. We expected to stay overnight with at our Steve’s house. We expected to get up early on Tuesday and go have our cholesterol checked at the county’s health clinic. We never expected the unexpected.
Sitting in the surgeon’s examining room while waiting for Dr. L.., Rex and I asked and received a copy of the lab report. Truthfully, many of the terms didn’t have any meaning for us but one line caused our hearts to skip a beat. Upon further examination, the sentinel lymph node showed a micro metastasis of .15 cm. Did that mean what we thought it might mean?
It did. Dr. L… had told Rex at the time of surgery that only 1 in 50 or 100 sentinel lymph nodes that test negative at first examination turn out with a different result upon further testing. I was that 1 in 100.
Shattered. Devastated. Broad-sided. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Dr. L… rushed to assure us that the cancer was very small and could easily be taken care of with chemotherapy, radiation, and hormone therapy. Tears began to down my face which only moments before was beaming with health and the happy feeling that ‘all was well.’ I only half heard what she said as she explained to Rex the several options I had, conventional medically speaking.
Hearing that cancer had been found in the sentinel lymph node changed everything. Gone from my mind was the plan I’d confidently assembled relative to my course of treatment: “No thank you, doctor. No chemotherapy. No radiation. No hormone therapy. Just the determination to prevent cancer from recurring by balancing the hormones and causing lingering individual cancer cells to self-destruct (apoptosis) in a natural way through natural means.”
We did not stay over at Steve’s. I only wanted to go home. Rex was almost as numb as I was… We talked; I cried. We prayed; I cried. Rex hugged me; I cried. The shock was accompanied by a good deal of anger: with God; with me; with the cruel fate ‘life’ seems to have dealt me/us. Sleep was as far away from my mind as a happy thought. I finally fell asleep exhausted about 4 AM.
UPDATE: Several months later, after we’d adjusted our course of treatment, we learned from two separate sources that in many conventional medical circles, a micro metastasis of .15 does not especially warrant further treatment. The systemic oncologist counseling me informed us that many oncologists don’t consider that amount “cancerous.” In addition, after my first follow-up checkup, which included a mammogram, the radiologist who read my films said, “I remember your case. There was a lot of discussion as to whether or not to call it cancerous.” So, lesson learned: never trust one medical ‘authority.’ Get a second opinion!
We expected that these final results would tell us what size the tumor was and if it were estrogen-positive. We expected to stay overnight with at our Steve’s house. We expected to get up early on Tuesday and go have our cholesterol checked at the county’s health clinic. We never expected the unexpected.
Sitting in the surgeon’s examining room while waiting for Dr. L.., Rex and I asked and received a copy of the lab report. Truthfully, many of the terms didn’t have any meaning for us but one line caused our hearts to skip a beat. Upon further examination, the sentinel lymph node showed a micro metastasis of .15 cm. Did that mean what we thought it might mean?
It did. Dr. L… had told Rex at the time of surgery that only 1 in 50 or 100 sentinel lymph nodes that test negative at first examination turn out with a different result upon further testing. I was that 1 in 100.
Shattered. Devastated. Broad-sided. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Dr. L… rushed to assure us that the cancer was very small and could easily be taken care of with chemotherapy, radiation, and hormone therapy. Tears began to down my face which only moments before was beaming with health and the happy feeling that ‘all was well.’ I only half heard what she said as she explained to Rex the several options I had, conventional medically speaking.
Hearing that cancer had been found in the sentinel lymph node changed everything. Gone from my mind was the plan I’d confidently assembled relative to my course of treatment: “No thank you, doctor. No chemotherapy. No radiation. No hormone therapy. Just the determination to prevent cancer from recurring by balancing the hormones and causing lingering individual cancer cells to self-destruct (apoptosis) in a natural way through natural means.”
We did not stay over at Steve’s. I only wanted to go home. Rex was almost as numb as I was… We talked; I cried. We prayed; I cried. Rex hugged me; I cried. The shock was accompanied by a good deal of anger: with God; with me; with the cruel fate ‘life’ seems to have dealt me/us. Sleep was as far away from my mind as a happy thought. I finally fell asleep exhausted about 4 AM.
UPDATE: Several months later, after we’d adjusted our course of treatment, we learned from two separate sources that in many conventional medical circles, a micro metastasis of .15 does not especially warrant further treatment. The systemic oncologist counseling me informed us that many oncologists don’t consider that amount “cancerous.” In addition, after my first follow-up checkup, which included a mammogram, the radiologist who read my films said, “I remember your case. There was a lot of discussion as to whether or not to call it cancerous.” So, lesson learned: never trust one medical ‘authority.’ Get a second opinion!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
April 2: Sunday – April, the Month of ‘Me’
I especially liked Pres. Hinckley’s “Road Not Taken” talk given in General Conference today. He encouraged us to reach for our dreams. I realize that to reach for my dream(s), part of my path for the immediate future lies in following the spiritual impressions received in last Tuesday’s visit to the temple. I felt there that what Heavenly Father was asking of me was to show love and respect to and for myself each day. In effect, that is to do something for myself each day. This mandate from the Lord encourages me to name this month, The Month of Me.
Any ideas? Read more books for pleasure? A monthly massage? More leisurely walks in my beautiful neighborhood? More time with friends? I suspect it means more than just the care of the body.
Dr. Phil McGraw says that ‘You teach people how to treat you.’ In the past few years, I have been slowly learning that being more forthright with people (assertive – not aggressive) adds to the ‘bank account’ of one’s own self-esteem. It’s not an easy transition but when a person sees that the increased benefits not only does it bless their own lives but the lives of those they love. It also gives one the needed courage to continue the change. I can see that with a firmer foundation, what I have to offer others and my Heavenly Father will be increased.
It is amazing to me how there are two or three prominent themes in this journey I am taking now and just how they individually develop and intertwine. I am reminded of the insight previously received that all of us are the expression of God’s pure love for Himself. I am reminded that in the New Testament, when Jesus gave us the Two Great Commandments, the second one instructed, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
All of this fills me with love, hope, and the excitement that comes with good ‘change(s) of the heart.’
Any ideas? Read more books for pleasure? A monthly massage? More leisurely walks in my beautiful neighborhood? More time with friends? I suspect it means more than just the care of the body.
Dr. Phil McGraw says that ‘You teach people how to treat you.’ In the past few years, I have been slowly learning that being more forthright with people (assertive – not aggressive) adds to the ‘bank account’ of one’s own self-esteem. It’s not an easy transition but when a person sees that the increased benefits not only does it bless their own lives but the lives of those they love. It also gives one the needed courage to continue the change. I can see that with a firmer foundation, what I have to offer others and my Heavenly Father will be increased.
It is amazing to me how there are two or three prominent themes in this journey I am taking now and just how they individually develop and intertwine. I am reminded of the insight previously received that all of us are the expression of God’s pure love for Himself. I am reminded that in the New Testament, when Jesus gave us the Two Great Commandments, the second one instructed, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
All of this fills me with love, hope, and the excitement that comes with good ‘change(s) of the heart.’
April 1: Saturday – “Flowers Would Be Nice”
The month of March is supposed to "come in like a lion and go out like a lamb” or so the saying goes. April is the month when Spring comes and with it, flowers. However, up here in the mountains, it snowed all day. When night came, it really began to accumulate. It was the first time this season that I could not make it driving up the driveway!
Rex and I watched the first two sessions of the 176th General Conference (of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.) In between and afterwards, I spent a few hours lost in the kind of work I love to do: extracting and indexing family history records from northern New York. They will eventually be reproduced for the genealogy newsletters I compile. Today, I worked on The Genealogical Journal of Oswego County, NY to the great contentment of my heart.
When Rex and I finally came home from watching Conference down at the church, there was a bunch of flowers on the porch. Our home teacher (the sweetheart!) had remembered what I’d said during his last visit. When asked if they could do anything for me/us re: the surgery or afterwards, my immediate response was, “Flowers would be nice.” His gift graced our kitchen table and livened up the kitchen for many wonderful days.
Rex and I watched the first two sessions of the 176th General Conference (of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.) In between and afterwards, I spent a few hours lost in the kind of work I love to do: extracting and indexing family history records from northern New York. They will eventually be reproduced for the genealogy newsletters I compile. Today, I worked on The Genealogical Journal of Oswego County, NY to the great contentment of my heart.
When Rex and I finally came home from watching Conference down at the church, there was a bunch of flowers on the porch. Our home teacher (the sweetheart!) had remembered what I’d said during his last visit. When asked if they could do anything for me/us re: the surgery or afterwards, my immediate response was, “Flowers would be nice.” His gift graced our kitchen table and livened up the kitchen for many wonderful days.
March 28, 2006: Tuesday - Support from a Good Friend
Good Morning,
Well tomorrow is the day. ...you have been in my daily prayers. I hope that you have felt at peace.
I think I told you about the man that as Hadgkins Lymphoma. He never showed up to get more of Reliv's nutritional product. I guess he desn't think this will work for him. He did not even listen to any stories of improved health. It breaks my heart to know that he could have help and won't take the "leap of faith."
The reason I mentioned him is because you are just the opposite, willing to believe and try everything you can so that you might continue to progress while on this earth... It really is true that the Lord helps those who help themselves...
I'm grateful that I have made the decision to make Reliv a business for me. That has been a hard choice, but I could never stop sharing what I know and I need to do it right.
I have a lady coming over that has Lupus, so I have been researching stories of others who've had Lupus and taken Reliv. I have found two so far that no longer have any lupus when tested medically....
Well, I just wanted you to know I will be thinking of you tomorrow and pray that all will be well.
Love you,
Pat
Well tomorrow is the day. ...you have been in my daily prayers. I hope that you have felt at peace.
I think I told you about the man that as Hadgkins Lymphoma. He never showed up to get more of Reliv's nutritional product. I guess he desn't think this will work for him. He did not even listen to any stories of improved health. It breaks my heart to know that he could have help and won't take the "leap of faith."
The reason I mentioned him is because you are just the opposite, willing to believe and try everything you can so that you might continue to progress while on this earth... It really is true that the Lord helps those who help themselves...
I'm grateful that I have made the decision to make Reliv a business for me. That has been a hard choice, but I could never stop sharing what I know and I need to do it right.
I have a lady coming over that has Lupus, so I have been researching stories of others who've had Lupus and taken Reliv. I have found two so far that no longer have any lupus when tested medically....
Well, I just wanted you to know I will be thinking of you tomorrow and pray that all will be well.
Love you,
Pat
March 31, 2006: Friday - Positive Life Changes
I slept without pain. Didn’t take any medication last night nor all this day. (Update note: In fact, I never did take any meds, even aspirin, from this point onward.) I attribute this to the many prayers offered in my behalf and to the excellent qualities of Reliv. This new ‘little’ miracle is truly humbling.
Today I spent the afternoon typing up the operation in detail for this blog. I see how yesterday’s 'missteps' or unplanned, unexpected events could really have been additional ‘little’ miracles – like the two guide wires.
Spent a couple of hours reading Dr. Lee’s book. It has helped me immeasurably to know about and understand the nature of this affliction. While I want to live my life as energetically and enthusiastically as ever, I do have to say that there have been some changes. I think they are very positive:
1) Colors of blouses I now wear reflect an important inner change. I used to wear dark colors: black and burgundy especially. Now they hang in my closet untouched. I wear white, pink, light blues, soft pastel greens. The darkest blouse I’ll put on is a rich teal color.
2) I believe Reliv has strengthened my body in several ways since starting the cancer treatment regimen. One is that I don’t have as much pain associated with various illnesses, etc. Two is that my fingernails are no longer flimsy and break easily. Three is (I highly suspect) that my hair is no longer as thin as it had been; that it is returning to the state it had been in 15 years ago. This is over and above the miracle it did curing my osteoporosis and the strength it gives to keep my eyesight healthy so I have only wear 'granny glasses' to read.
3) I have stopped living ‘by the clock.’ I used to have lists of things to do. I used to have a list of the different lists I had. There was a daily list built from a weekly list that was compiled from a set of monthly goals that was based upon yearly projects. Maybe not so surprisingly, I made out no lists all the month of March. I do know that there is value in making out an agenda and that someday, I’ll start making lists out again. But, I want to live so that, instead of saying, “I have just so much time for this,” I instead feel instinctively and say, “This is a good place to stop for the day on this project.”
4) I’ve stopped saying, “I don’t have time to do such and such” or “I’m so busy.” I am very well aware of and now avoid mentioning those two words. When I’ve offered them in the past, it was usually by way of an apology. Now I will say, “I’ve been (or I am) otherwise occupied.” This language, at least to me, is the language of cancer or other serious illnesses. By changing my language as well as other things, I choose my priorities based on what I know I can reasonably accomplish. Whereas I over-scheduled in the past, I choose not to do so now.
I want to enjoy each task. Part of that means that I will not put a time limit on it nor schedule many things to do in one day. This changed attitude of flexibility reflects new depth, meaning, and appreciation of life. No longer will I stress myself out each day by not completing an impossibly long agenda. Additionally, I know that I will sleep much better for it; be healthier in the long run for it.
Today I spent the afternoon typing up the operation in detail for this blog. I see how yesterday’s 'missteps' or unplanned, unexpected events could really have been additional ‘little’ miracles – like the two guide wires.
Spent a couple of hours reading Dr. Lee’s book. It has helped me immeasurably to know about and understand the nature of this affliction. While I want to live my life as energetically and enthusiastically as ever, I do have to say that there have been some changes. I think they are very positive:
1) Colors of blouses I now wear reflect an important inner change. I used to wear dark colors: black and burgundy especially. Now they hang in my closet untouched. I wear white, pink, light blues, soft pastel greens. The darkest blouse I’ll put on is a rich teal color.
2) I believe Reliv has strengthened my body in several ways since starting the cancer treatment regimen. One is that I don’t have as much pain associated with various illnesses, etc. Two is that my fingernails are no longer flimsy and break easily. Three is (I highly suspect) that my hair is no longer as thin as it had been; that it is returning to the state it had been in 15 years ago. This is over and above the miracle it did curing my osteoporosis and the strength it gives to keep my eyesight healthy so I have only wear 'granny glasses' to read.
3) I have stopped living ‘by the clock.’ I used to have lists of things to do. I used to have a list of the different lists I had. There was a daily list built from a weekly list that was compiled from a set of monthly goals that was based upon yearly projects. Maybe not so surprisingly, I made out no lists all the month of March. I do know that there is value in making out an agenda and that someday, I’ll start making lists out again. But, I want to live so that, instead of saying, “I have just so much time for this,” I instead feel instinctively and say, “This is a good place to stop for the day on this project.”
4) I’ve stopped saying, “I don’t have time to do such and such” or “I’m so busy.” I am very well aware of and now avoid mentioning those two words. When I’ve offered them in the past, it was usually by way of an apology. Now I will say, “I’ve been (or I am) otherwise occupied.” This language, at least to me, is the language of cancer or other serious illnesses. By changing my language as well as other things, I choose my priorities based on what I know I can reasonably accomplish. Whereas I over-scheduled in the past, I choose not to do so now.
I want to enjoy each task. Part of that means that I will not put a time limit on it nor schedule many things to do in one day. This changed attitude of flexibility reflects new depth, meaning, and appreciation of life. No longer will I stress myself out each day by not completing an impossibly long agenda. Additionally, I know that I will sleep much better for it; be healthier in the long run for it.
March 30, 2006: Thursday - A New Dawn
Having had a lot of sleep and rest yesterday, I was up early today. It was a fabulous day! Many, many people called to ask after my well-being. To each and all, I remarked that I was doing amazingly well. I have heard from others who take Reliv that it strengthens the body so that you don’t have nearly as much pain as you would have had for any kind of medical event.
The pain where the tumor had been was minimal to non-existent. Where the sentinel lymph node had been was pained and swollen all day. I continually put ice on it and took aspirin. I refused to take the more strongly prescribed medicine as it, Viacodin, leaves me feeling extraordinarily depressed even after a short time.
The left side of my throat had a stretched, tight feeling. I assume this is where a breathing tube was placed during the operation just in case anything went wrong…. During the day, I did get a little wobbly if on my feet for too long so I stayed on the couch reading, napping and talking to friends, etc. all day.
The Lord does talk to us through the scriptures and I could have no greater witness that I am rid of the cancer than that of the passages I was strongly impressed to read this morning. The chapter was 3 Nephi 17. I knew that to be one of the chapters describing Christ’s visit with his people in America but I couldn’t have told you what the content was beforehand. How incredible it was to read that this was when, after Christ had finished teaching the large crowd for the day, he invited the sick to come and be healed:
”Have you any sick among you? Bring them hither and I will heal them for I have compassion on them… I see you have sufficient faith that I should heal you.”
In a couple of days, a new month will begin. How shall I make it different from the stressful life I’ve been living? How do I incorporate the daily doses of ‘time for me’? How do I live as close to the spirit as I have been as I get back into the swing of things?
Many questions! I know there are answers.
The pain where the tumor had been was minimal to non-existent. Where the sentinel lymph node had been was pained and swollen all day. I continually put ice on it and took aspirin. I refused to take the more strongly prescribed medicine as it, Viacodin, leaves me feeling extraordinarily depressed even after a short time.
The left side of my throat had a stretched, tight feeling. I assume this is where a breathing tube was placed during the operation just in case anything went wrong…. During the day, I did get a little wobbly if on my feet for too long so I stayed on the couch reading, napping and talking to friends, etc. all day.
The Lord does talk to us through the scriptures and I could have no greater witness that I am rid of the cancer than that of the passages I was strongly impressed to read this morning. The chapter was 3 Nephi 17. I knew that to be one of the chapters describing Christ’s visit with his people in America but I couldn’t have told you what the content was beforehand. How incredible it was to read that this was when, after Christ had finished teaching the large crowd for the day, he invited the sick to come and be healed:
”Have you any sick among you? Bring them hither and I will heal them for I have compassion on them… I see you have sufficient faith that I should heal you.”
In a couple of days, a new month will begin. How shall I make it different from the stressful life I’ve been living? How do I incorporate the daily doses of ‘time for me’? How do I live as close to the spirit as I have been as I get back into the swing of things?
Many questions! I know there are answers.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
March 29, 2006: Wednesday - Operation Day: Post-Op Recovery
...continued from previous entry...
At 3:05, Rex began calling our relatives and some friends.
At 4:00 PM, Rex writes: "Sunny is still not out of recovery. I am wondering if they did not take her advice and cut down on the general anesthesia because she seems to be more sensitive than others to this type of treatment."
For me, I felt, saw, heard, and experienced nothing until shortly before 3:00 PM. At that time, I was being wheeled from the operating room. I opened my eyes and the nurses, seeing that I was waking, rushed me quickly to the recovery room. Here they administered more medication and that put me out solidly once again. At about 4:20 PM, I was wheeled into our 'bed' room. It was now the nurses' job to start waking me up. Heck no, I didn't want to wake up! I was in lala-land and it felt wonderful.
Rex now fed me lots of ice chips for he was told that I was dehydrated from the operation. They tasted good and did wake me up somewhat. A respite was short-lived when the nurses came in again: getting me up to take a drink, have a bite to eat (not hungry!) and take some medication. (A hospital is not a restful place!) Ate jello and drank apple juice. Next: a walk around the nurse's station. Three-quarters of the way, my stomach really became nauseated. (The medication.) I belched; the nurse was happy and I felt much better. They let me sleep a little bit more.
Rex retrieved some pain medication from the hospital pharmacy. Oh no! It was Viacodin! Whenever the doctors, etc. had asked previously if I was allergic to any medication, I told them truthfully, “No.” Yet there was no way on this earth I was going to take Viacodin! (When one of my teeth had been removed a couple years ago, that stuff was prescribed for me and I became seriously depressed in a remarkably short period of time.) However, hospital policy made it impossible to exchange the medication once it was bought unless the surgeon doctor's approval could be procured - and she was long gone. The pharmacist suggested I simply cut the pills in half. That was one possible solution. The other was to buy the over-the-counter 'aspirin' Aleve and give it a try. This we did from the very first with no problems.
When 5:30 came, it was time for us to go home. Drowsy as I was, we were being escorted out the door as they closed up for the day at 6:00 PM… We arrived at our home in the mountains at 9:30 PM. Lots of messages were on the phone from well-wishers. We called more family before retiring for the night.
Admittedly, I wasn't very sleepy. The most pain I had was under the lymph node only. If I held my arm steady in a particular position, I felt nothing at all. I did rest, however, quite peacefully both in body, mind, and spirit.
At 3:05, Rex began calling our relatives and some friends.
At 4:00 PM, Rex writes: "Sunny is still not out of recovery. I am wondering if they did not take her advice and cut down on the general anesthesia because she seems to be more sensitive than others to this type of treatment."
For me, I felt, saw, heard, and experienced nothing until shortly before 3:00 PM. At that time, I was being wheeled from the operating room. I opened my eyes and the nurses, seeing that I was waking, rushed me quickly to the recovery room. Here they administered more medication and that put me out solidly once again. At about 4:20 PM, I was wheeled into our 'bed' room. It was now the nurses' job to start waking me up. Heck no, I didn't want to wake up! I was in lala-land and it felt wonderful.
Rex now fed me lots of ice chips for he was told that I was dehydrated from the operation. They tasted good and did wake me up somewhat. A respite was short-lived when the nurses came in again: getting me up to take a drink, have a bite to eat (not hungry!) and take some medication. (A hospital is not a restful place!) Ate jello and drank apple juice. Next: a walk around the nurse's station. Three-quarters of the way, my stomach really became nauseated. (The medication.) I belched; the nurse was happy and I felt much better. They let me sleep a little bit more.
Rex retrieved some pain medication from the hospital pharmacy. Oh no! It was Viacodin! Whenever the doctors, etc. had asked previously if I was allergic to any medication, I told them truthfully, “No.” Yet there was no way on this earth I was going to take Viacodin! (When one of my teeth had been removed a couple years ago, that stuff was prescribed for me and I became seriously depressed in a remarkably short period of time.) However, hospital policy made it impossible to exchange the medication once it was bought unless the surgeon doctor's approval could be procured - and she was long gone. The pharmacist suggested I simply cut the pills in half. That was one possible solution. The other was to buy the over-the-counter 'aspirin' Aleve and give it a try. This we did from the very first with no problems.
When 5:30 came, it was time for us to go home. Drowsy as I was, we were being escorted out the door as they closed up for the day at 6:00 PM… We arrived at our home in the mountains at 9:30 PM. Lots of messages were on the phone from well-wishers. We called more family before retiring for the night.
Admittedly, I wasn't very sleepy. The most pain I had was under the lymph node only. If I held my arm steady in a particular position, I felt nothing at all. I did rest, however, quite peacefully both in body, mind, and spirit.
March 29, 2006: Wednesday - Operation Day: the operation
continued from previous entry...
Back in my 'bed' room, we now had about an hour to wait. As the hour appointed for surgery approached (11:45), I said a personal prayer at 11:30 and felt all would be well. The confidence expressed by others now returned to my mind and heart. How very uplifting to be reminded of them! Rex and I also prayed.
A Few Last Questions
The surgeon came in to our room at 12:05. We asked her a few questions and she answered:
1) We assumed she'd looked at both the original biopsy ultrasound and the recent one taken today. Did there appear to her to be any / much difference?
She said that measuring the tumor is not an exact science but it appeared to her that there was not any dramatic difference between the two as far as she could tell.
2) When could we get the information of whether I was estrogen or progesterone receptor positive?
Dr. L said that it would take about a week and to call her office. She then said Rex and I should come in for a follow-up visit with her on Monday or Tuesday when the final pathologist report had been received.
The Surgery as I Experienced It
The hour had finally come. At 12:15 or so, I was wheeled into the operating room. I do not believe the surgeon, Dr. L, was there yet - just the nurses, techs, and attendant doctors (anesthesiologist, etc.)
This was the most stressful part of the whole day. All four of my limbs were being handled at once. A nurse on either leg dressed me in a blood pressure-like tourniquet that extended all the way up each leg. During the operation, this apparatus would be consistently pumped full of air and then released. This was to make sure that the blood in my legs would continue to circulate. It was actually quite a comforting feeling... On my right arm, a nurse was applying the blood pressure cuff. On my left side, a nurse was cleansing the affected breast. The anesthesiologist readied my left arm for the pain-killing medication. A fifth nurse lifted my head and rested it upon a comfortable pillow. Lastly, a male nurse at my left side said, "If you're a good girl today, we might let you take home the (flimsy) blue shower cap on your head." Such a comedian! That made me laugh for a little bit.
The anesthesia began to work. I went out like a light again and didn't feel another thing until waking up shortly before 3 PM. At 1:00 PM, Rex asked about the progress but wasn't given any real information. Shortly before 2:00 PM, a nurse said that the doctor had been delayed and that the operation had begun later than expected. At 2:00 PM, a nurse told Rex that they had finished retrieving the sentinel lymph node and had proceeded on to the lumpectomy. At 2:35 PM, a nurse reported that Dr. L closing and would come soon with a report.
At 2:50, Dr. L gave this report to Rex and waiting family members:
1) The sentinel node tested negative for cancer cells
2) The node will be given a more in-depth test.
In Dr. Livingston's experience, there's only a 1 in 50 or 100 chance that the more comprehensive test will reveal cancer cells.
3) The tumor removed was about 2 cm and she removed an extra centimeter margin around it.
4) The tumor was well centered in the removed mass and there was good margin over the entire area.
5) The tumor was well defined and did not have extended tentacles or the like.
6) She could not detect visually if there were dead cancer cells, nor saw anything indicating recent changes, but went on to say that with visual observation, you probably wouldn't see that. That would come from a laboratory test.
All of the above was good news, especially 1, 4 and 5.
Back in my 'bed' room, we now had about an hour to wait. As the hour appointed for surgery approached (11:45), I said a personal prayer at 11:30 and felt all would be well. The confidence expressed by others now returned to my mind and heart. How very uplifting to be reminded of them! Rex and I also prayed.
A Few Last Questions
The surgeon came in to our room at 12:05. We asked her a few questions and she answered:
1) We assumed she'd looked at both the original biopsy ultrasound and the recent one taken today. Did there appear to her to be any / much difference?
She said that measuring the tumor is not an exact science but it appeared to her that there was not any dramatic difference between the two as far as she could tell.
2) When could we get the information of whether I was estrogen or progesterone receptor positive?
Dr. L said that it would take about a week and to call her office. She then said Rex and I should come in for a follow-up visit with her on Monday or Tuesday when the final pathologist report had been received.
The Surgery as I Experienced It
The hour had finally come. At 12:15 or so, I was wheeled into the operating room. I do not believe the surgeon, Dr. L, was there yet - just the nurses, techs, and attendant doctors (anesthesiologist, etc.)
This was the most stressful part of the whole day. All four of my limbs were being handled at once. A nurse on either leg dressed me in a blood pressure-like tourniquet that extended all the way up each leg. During the operation, this apparatus would be consistently pumped full of air and then released. This was to make sure that the blood in my legs would continue to circulate. It was actually quite a comforting feeling... On my right arm, a nurse was applying the blood pressure cuff. On my left side, a nurse was cleansing the affected breast. The anesthesiologist readied my left arm for the pain-killing medication. A fifth nurse lifted my head and rested it upon a comfortable pillow. Lastly, a male nurse at my left side said, "If you're a good girl today, we might let you take home the (flimsy) blue shower cap on your head." Such a comedian! That made me laugh for a little bit.
The anesthesia began to work. I went out like a light again and didn't feel another thing until waking up shortly before 3 PM. At 1:00 PM, Rex asked about the progress but wasn't given any real information. Shortly before 2:00 PM, a nurse said that the doctor had been delayed and that the operation had begun later than expected. At 2:00 PM, a nurse told Rex that they had finished retrieving the sentinel lymph node and had proceeded on to the lumpectomy. At 2:35 PM, a nurse reported that Dr. L closing and would come soon with a report.
At 2:50, Dr. L gave this report to Rex and waiting family members:
1) The sentinel node tested negative for cancer cells
2) The node will be given a more in-depth test.
In Dr. Livingston's experience, there's only a 1 in 50 or 100 chance that the more comprehensive test will reveal cancer cells.
3) The tumor removed was about 2 cm and she removed an extra centimeter margin around it.
4) The tumor was well centered in the removed mass and there was good margin over the entire area.
5) The tumor was well defined and did not have extended tentacles or the like.
6) She could not detect visually if there were dead cancer cells, nor saw anything indicating recent changes, but went on to say that with visual observation, you probably wouldn't see that. That would come from a laboratory test.
All of the above was good news, especially 1, 4 and 5.
March 29, 2006: Wednesday: Operation day
We arrived on time at the hospital at 6 AM. The minute I opened the doors, the hospital smell hit forcefully. What makes a hospital smell so 'closed-in' and .... dirty feeling? It was enough to make me want to turn right around and go back out of those doors.
Admission
After Sign In registration, Rex and I were shown to our accommodations for the day: a 'bed' room, very narrow - about 12 ft by 8 ft. It contained lockers for personal possessions, a sink, a bathroom, a hospital bed, and a chair for Rex. The room had a comfortable feel to it. Procedures then moved along at a calm, well-spaced pace:
Dress in the hospital's 'beautiful' gown (tongue-in-cheek!)
Blood pressure,
Sign more consent forms,
an IV is put into my right hand (a good job done at this!) and
Support hose stretching up to the thigh is put on me. This is to keep my legs warm.
I especially liked the primary nurse, Gail, into whose care I'd been given. Throughout the day, warm blankets would be spread over my flat form. A comforting feeling.... In the lull between 7:30 and 8 AM, I made an entry for March 28th in my journal. Remembering yesterday's good and blessed events gave me a sense of calm and well-being.
Identifying the Sentinel Lymph Node’s Location
At 8 AM, I was taken to Radiology. Actually, I objected to the wheel-chair ride because I wanted so much to walk! (I missed my morning exercise routine.) This procedure was to take about 30 minutes to an hour. A tech showed me a chart illustrating the lymph nodes in the body (neck, shoulder, stomach, groin) and explained what they'd shortly be doing to identify the sentinel node under my left arm. What they don't tell you before you get here is about how the radioactive isotopes tend to 'sting' a bit when placed in the body. (One friend described it as an electric shock wave that stuns you for about 10-15 seconds). The isotopes would be injected around the nipple and their purpose was to 'light the way' to the sentinel node - the doorway to all the other nodes. When this was accomplished, a blue dye would be injected to clearly mark the path - the highway - to the node. The tech went on to explain that when this is all said and done, they use a 'high tech' tool to mark the spot where your sentinel lymph node is: they use a Sharpee (black felt pen). That made me giggle.
A nurse administered local anesthesia in my arm prior to receiving the isotopes. I was out like a light and never felt the sting at all. I awoke half an hour later to find a huge drum (it looked somewhat like the underside of a space ship!) hovering over me. It was very close to my face. For comfort, I was told to turn my face sideways. In size, I'd say it was a good 3-4 feet across in diameter and 18 inches deep. It was another type of radiation machine. It read where the isotopes had traveled. This information was relayed to a computer half-way across the room. The tech at the monitor then guided the tech at the drum to where on the outside of my body the sentinel lymph node was located. When the two techs agreed, the spot was marked with the black felt pen.
Guide Wire(s)
From Radiology, I was taken immediately to the Ultrasound room. It was now about 9:30. Rex was brought in to the room next door. We figured this was probably for the comfort of the loved one. He didn't see anything that happened….
The ultrasound was given for the purpose of locating the tumor and placing a guide wire in it so that the surgeon knew right where to go. The wire itself reminded me of what you can get at any craft store: thin and stiff but bendable for artificial flower arrangements. I was now given another local numbing anesthetic to the affected breast. A male tech and a doctor attended to this procedure. I was able to watch all that went on. The doctor placed the ultrasound wand on my breast and went looking. What he was looking for, I had no idea because I knew that he wasn't in the area where the tumor was! After a few minutes of this, I finally asked him what he hoped to see in that area. It was then that he realized he was in the wrong spot! "Oh, I've got my clock wrong. Your tumor is at 10 o'clock, not 4 o'clock!" Ummmm, yep….
The wire was guided into the tumor by way of a needle. It was supposed to go all the way through the tumor and lodge at the tumor’s outer bottom perimeter. The way it would lodge is that when the needle was withdrawn, the wire that had a fish-hook type head would snag and hold. (Sort of like a grappling hook when mountain climbing.)
However, that's not what happened the first time with me! When the doctor went to withdraw the needle, the wire followed. It finally hooked on at the outer top perimeter. This meant that the doctor had to go back in with another wire and snag the outer bottom perimeter. This he did without any further trouble. Now I had two wires sticking out of me showing both boundaries, the top and the bottom. (Later, I counted this as a blessing, a good ‘mistake.) The wires were bent circularly in a loop and then taped flat to the breast.
Oddly, the male tech and male doctor were 'goosy' about finishing up with me (taping the wires flat) because that was not in their job descriptions. Usually, two female nurses are assigned this duty. One went home sick and the other was not allowed in a room where the patient was radioactive because she was pregnant. (What does that tell ya?)
Admission
After Sign In registration, Rex and I were shown to our accommodations for the day: a 'bed' room, very narrow - about 12 ft by 8 ft. It contained lockers for personal possessions, a sink, a bathroom, a hospital bed, and a chair for Rex. The room had a comfortable feel to it. Procedures then moved along at a calm, well-spaced pace:
Dress in the hospital's 'beautiful' gown (tongue-in-cheek!)
Blood pressure,
Sign more consent forms,
an IV is put into my right hand (a good job done at this!) and
Support hose stretching up to the thigh is put on me. This is to keep my legs warm.
I especially liked the primary nurse, Gail, into whose care I'd been given. Throughout the day, warm blankets would be spread over my flat form. A comforting feeling.... In the lull between 7:30 and 8 AM, I made an entry for March 28th in my journal. Remembering yesterday's good and blessed events gave me a sense of calm and well-being.
Identifying the Sentinel Lymph Node’s Location
At 8 AM, I was taken to Radiology. Actually, I objected to the wheel-chair ride because I wanted so much to walk! (I missed my morning exercise routine.) This procedure was to take about 30 minutes to an hour. A tech showed me a chart illustrating the lymph nodes in the body (neck, shoulder, stomach, groin) and explained what they'd shortly be doing to identify the sentinel node under my left arm. What they don't tell you before you get here is about how the radioactive isotopes tend to 'sting' a bit when placed in the body. (One friend described it as an electric shock wave that stuns you for about 10-15 seconds). The isotopes would be injected around the nipple and their purpose was to 'light the way' to the sentinel node - the doorway to all the other nodes. When this was accomplished, a blue dye would be injected to clearly mark the path - the highway - to the node. The tech went on to explain that when this is all said and done, they use a 'high tech' tool to mark the spot where your sentinel lymph node is: they use a Sharpee (black felt pen). That made me giggle.
A nurse administered local anesthesia in my arm prior to receiving the isotopes. I was out like a light and never felt the sting at all. I awoke half an hour later to find a huge drum (it looked somewhat like the underside of a space ship!) hovering over me. It was very close to my face. For comfort, I was told to turn my face sideways. In size, I'd say it was a good 3-4 feet across in diameter and 18 inches deep. It was another type of radiation machine. It read where the isotopes had traveled. This information was relayed to a computer half-way across the room. The tech at the monitor then guided the tech at the drum to where on the outside of my body the sentinel lymph node was located. When the two techs agreed, the spot was marked with the black felt pen.
Guide Wire(s)
From Radiology, I was taken immediately to the Ultrasound room. It was now about 9:30. Rex was brought in to the room next door. We figured this was probably for the comfort of the loved one. He didn't see anything that happened….
The ultrasound was given for the purpose of locating the tumor and placing a guide wire in it so that the surgeon knew right where to go. The wire itself reminded me of what you can get at any craft store: thin and stiff but bendable for artificial flower arrangements. I was now given another local numbing anesthetic to the affected breast. A male tech and a doctor attended to this procedure. I was able to watch all that went on. The doctor placed the ultrasound wand on my breast and went looking. What he was looking for, I had no idea because I knew that he wasn't in the area where the tumor was! After a few minutes of this, I finally asked him what he hoped to see in that area. It was then that he realized he was in the wrong spot! "Oh, I've got my clock wrong. Your tumor is at 10 o'clock, not 4 o'clock!" Ummmm, yep….
The wire was guided into the tumor by way of a needle. It was supposed to go all the way through the tumor and lodge at the tumor’s outer bottom perimeter. The way it would lodge is that when the needle was withdrawn, the wire that had a fish-hook type head would snag and hold. (Sort of like a grappling hook when mountain climbing.)
However, that's not what happened the first time with me! When the doctor went to withdraw the needle, the wire followed. It finally hooked on at the outer top perimeter. This meant that the doctor had to go back in with another wire and snag the outer bottom perimeter. This he did without any further trouble. Now I had two wires sticking out of me showing both boundaries, the top and the bottom. (Later, I counted this as a blessing, a good ‘mistake.) The wires were bent circularly in a loop and then taped flat to the breast.
Oddly, the male tech and male doctor were 'goosy' about finishing up with me (taping the wires flat) because that was not in their job descriptions. Usually, two female nurses are assigned this duty. One went home sick and the other was not allowed in a room where the patient was radioactive because she was pregnant. (What does that tell ya?)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
March 28, 2006: Tuesday – The Peace That Passes All Understanding
The day of the operation is tomorrow. It’s finally here! What was my attitude? “Bring it on!”
Was I nervous today? Not to start with but then as we packed for our stay overnight at our son’s home, and I remembered what the hospital asked us to bring with us (a copy of my Living Will), my excitement gave way to nerves. It wasn’t so much of a case of the ‘what ifs’ during surgery but the ‘what afters’ when it was all said and done. The unknown is a scary place!
We picked up the mail on the way out of town. There was a card from my sister, Sue, and one from our closest neighbor. Additionally, there were two letters from our granddaughters, Amanda (13) and Marissa (9). Written over their school’s Spring Break, they both expressed how much they loved and missed me. Mandy wished me good health. Marissa said that she’d give $100 to me (which she really, really would like to have for herself!) if she had it to give. Every time I recalled their letters throughout the day, it felt like I was being hugged all over.
Rex and I went to the temple today. For most of the time, the peace that the temple brings neutralized my anxious feelings so that I simply felt ’flat.’ It was towards the end our time there that the “peace of God which passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7) opened the ’windows of heaven.’ I prayed, as I have so constantly, for the cancer to be gone from my body after tomorrow. As if in answer, into my mind came the sweet knowledge that I have not asked amiss all this time. It will be gone.
I had another strong impression to seek what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to do each day. Then I felt impressed that what He wants me to do is do something out of pure love each day for myself. This might sound selfish to some people (including myself) but the reality is that this will be a most difficult assignment. I rarely, rarely do anything that benefits only me. I’m always thinking as how this or that will help this person or that group of people. Yet, I know that this directive, this change, is so that I might no longer ‘fit’ the breast cancer patient’s psychological profile again. Fulfilling the terms of our covenant that Heavenly Father has expressed is as necessary to my present and continued well-being as (physical) hormone therapy…
In the late evening before retiring to bed, I received a blessing preparatory to tomorrow’s operation. This time, I remembered two things of note: 1) I’d sleep well (and I did, surprisingly!) and 2) I’d wake up happy from the operation. The second promise laid the foundation for the first, I believe!
Was I nervous today? Not to start with but then as we packed for our stay overnight at our son’s home, and I remembered what the hospital asked us to bring with us (a copy of my Living Will), my excitement gave way to nerves. It wasn’t so much of a case of the ‘what ifs’ during surgery but the ‘what afters’ when it was all said and done. The unknown is a scary place!
We picked up the mail on the way out of town. There was a card from my sister, Sue, and one from our closest neighbor. Additionally, there were two letters from our granddaughters, Amanda (13) and Marissa (9). Written over their school’s Spring Break, they both expressed how much they loved and missed me. Mandy wished me good health. Marissa said that she’d give $100 to me (which she really, really would like to have for herself!) if she had it to give. Every time I recalled their letters throughout the day, it felt like I was being hugged all over.
Rex and I went to the temple today. For most of the time, the peace that the temple brings neutralized my anxious feelings so that I simply felt ’flat.’ It was towards the end our time there that the “peace of God which passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7) opened the ’windows of heaven.’ I prayed, as I have so constantly, for the cancer to be gone from my body after tomorrow. As if in answer, into my mind came the sweet knowledge that I have not asked amiss all this time. It will be gone.
I had another strong impression to seek what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to do each day. Then I felt impressed that what He wants me to do is do something out of pure love each day for myself. This might sound selfish to some people (including myself) but the reality is that this will be a most difficult assignment. I rarely, rarely do anything that benefits only me. I’m always thinking as how this or that will help this person or that group of people. Yet, I know that this directive, this change, is so that I might no longer ‘fit’ the breast cancer patient’s psychological profile again. Fulfilling the terms of our covenant that Heavenly Father has expressed is as necessary to my present and continued well-being as (physical) hormone therapy…
In the late evening before retiring to bed, I received a blessing preparatory to tomorrow’s operation. This time, I remembered two things of note: 1) I’d sleep well (and I did, surprisingly!) and 2) I’d wake up happy from the operation. The second promise laid the foundation for the first, I believe!
March 27, 2006: Monday – BHRT: BioIdentical Hormone Replacement Therapist
A daughter-in-law has a friend who’s been a nurse for many years when she decided to specialize in women’s hormonal health. She is what is known as a BioIdentical Hormone Replacement Therapist or BHRT for short. The reason was she personally has family history that she knows could lead to big problems down the road. The more we talked about Debbie’s enterprise, the more I liked what I was hearing. I called for a consultation, explaining my situation. Bless her Debbie said she could see me tomorrow for a 20 min free consultation. I feel very good about what she does. In fact, I feel it’s the perfect after-care path to insure there’s no repeat of my run-in with cancer.
Rex and I met with Debbie Tuesday afternoon for about 30 minutes. Her qualifications are that she has been, in her career, an oncologist nurse. As we only had a short while with her, I fired questions rapid-fire and she answered every one. First, she made it clear that she had to support the conventional medical establishment because a lot of the good she’s doing now is sustained by her continued good standing in that particular community. She shared with me enough to indicate that she didn’t necessarily agree that their methods of cancer recovery and therapy were best in every case.
I told her that my decision was that I would forego having radiation treatments. I said that no matter how many times I read over the explanation of why one should go that route, it just didn’t make sense to me. She said that if she had to face that decision, she would do the radiation at a younger age for that would guarantee (as far in as it could) quantity of life. However, at my age, she would herself chose to forego it for now quality of life becomes more important. Reading between the lines, what she was ‘saying’ was that while radiation heals one thing, it leaves the body impaired in other ways.
She could not say whether or not the Fosamax had been a major contributor to triggering this cancer. She did say that I was reading one of the best books on the subject of hormone balancing, What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer. I said that I had the sense that Dr. Lee promoted his theory of balancing hormones as a preventative against a recurrence of cancer. Was I correct? "Yes," she said, that’s what he believes. I looked her straight in the eye and asked, “Do you?” and she said, “I do.”
We talked about doing some saliva testing to determine the different levels of hormones in my body: progesterone, testosterone, and the three estrogens. She suggested using a topical progesterone cream. (I’d bought one about two weeks ago but then discontinued it’s use because I sensed it was not of good quality.) I told Debbie that, throughout these past 6 weeks, I had to rely on the promptings of the Holy Spirit for guidance because the answers just weren’t ‘out there’ in a nice, neat, organized, understandable way!
Finally, Debbie said that it seemed to her that I was well-read and understood what the chances were that I was taking. If I would agree to write a waiver to that effect, she would then agree to give me the kind of treatment I was seeking - from a health professional. I was elated!
Rex is correct in his assessment of Debbie‘s role in the medical community: She is the perfect bridge between conventional and ‘alternative‘ medicine.
I can’t wait to get started with Debbie!
Rex and I met with Debbie Tuesday afternoon for about 30 minutes. Her qualifications are that she has been, in her career, an oncologist nurse. As we only had a short while with her, I fired questions rapid-fire and she answered every one. First, she made it clear that she had to support the conventional medical establishment because a lot of the good she’s doing now is sustained by her continued good standing in that particular community. She shared with me enough to indicate that she didn’t necessarily agree that their methods of cancer recovery and therapy were best in every case.
I told her that my decision was that I would forego having radiation treatments. I said that no matter how many times I read over the explanation of why one should go that route, it just didn’t make sense to me. She said that if she had to face that decision, she would do the radiation at a younger age for that would guarantee (as far in as it could) quantity of life. However, at my age, she would herself chose to forego it for now quality of life becomes more important. Reading between the lines, what she was ‘saying’ was that while radiation heals one thing, it leaves the body impaired in other ways.
She could not say whether or not the Fosamax had been a major contributor to triggering this cancer. She did say that I was reading one of the best books on the subject of hormone balancing, What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer. I said that I had the sense that Dr. Lee promoted his theory of balancing hormones as a preventative against a recurrence of cancer. Was I correct? "Yes," she said, that’s what he believes. I looked her straight in the eye and asked, “Do you?” and she said, “I do.”
We talked about doing some saliva testing to determine the different levels of hormones in my body: progesterone, testosterone, and the three estrogens. She suggested using a topical progesterone cream. (I’d bought one about two weeks ago but then discontinued it’s use because I sensed it was not of good quality.) I told Debbie that, throughout these past 6 weeks, I had to rely on the promptings of the Holy Spirit for guidance because the answers just weren’t ‘out there’ in a nice, neat, organized, understandable way!
Finally, Debbie said that it seemed to her that I was well-read and understood what the chances were that I was taking. If I would agree to write a waiver to that effect, she would then agree to give me the kind of treatment I was seeking - from a health professional. I was elated!
Rex is correct in his assessment of Debbie‘s role in the medical community: She is the perfect bridge between conventional and ‘alternative‘ medicine.
I can’t wait to get started with Debbie!
March 26, 2006: Sunday: - Psychological profile: Sound Familiar?
I wasn't particularly tired when night came so I continued reading in Dr. Lee's book, What Your Doctors May Not Tell You About Breast Cancer. I am in Chapter 5: The Nature of Breast Cancer. On p. 99 begins a section entitled: The Psyche of Breast Cancer. Here are some excerpts from it:
"Breast cancer is a multifactorial disease that is created on many levels, perhaps beginning when your mother was in the womb and what she was exposed to there that she passed on to you... In addition to having its own unique biochemical profile, breast cancer has its own unique psychological profile. Dozens of studies have been done on the emotional and mental attitudes of women who get breast cancer and a very clear picture has emerged: In short, women who get breast cancer tend to take care of everyone but themselves."
"The symbolism of this psychological profile for breast cancer is inescapable. ... at a deep and fundamental level, a woman's breasts are our ultimate human symbol of nurturing.... That your own breasts can, in effect, turn around and attack you with a cancer when you aren't nurturing yourself (or receiving nurturing from others) is a valuable lesson that should not be lost on any woman..."
In her classic book, Our Bodies, Ourselves, author Christiane Northrup, M.D. says, "Much breast cancer is related to our need to be self-contained and self-nurturing. Caroline Myss notes, 'The major emotion behind breast lumps and breast cancer is hurt, sorrow, and unfinished business...' An important study found that breast cancer increased by almost 12 times if a woman had suffered from bereavement, job loss, or divorce in the previous five years..."
"Women with breast cancer frequently have a tendency toward self-sacrifice, inhibited sexuality, an inability to see themselves as supported by others, an inability to discharge anger or hostility, a tendency to hide anger and hostility behind a facade of pleasantness, and unresolved hostile conflict with their mothers."
"Your personality and life's tragedies and stresses are not necessarily your destiny.... Balance in nurturing is as important as balanced hormones."
More or less to some degree throughout my life, I'd say all of these statements have described me. Too many of these indicators, to a certain extent, are still true today. Although I’ve done gained much understanding (and applied it) in overcoming the trials of my early life, I clearly, I have a lot more work to do.
If I’d been warned a long time ago when I went through counseling for sexual abuse, would I be here today? I wonder if this scenario is a similar one for other women with female cancers?
"Breast cancer is a multifactorial disease that is created on many levels, perhaps beginning when your mother was in the womb and what she was exposed to there that she passed on to you... In addition to having its own unique biochemical profile, breast cancer has its own unique psychological profile. Dozens of studies have been done on the emotional and mental attitudes of women who get breast cancer and a very clear picture has emerged: In short, women who get breast cancer tend to take care of everyone but themselves."
"The symbolism of this psychological profile for breast cancer is inescapable. ... at a deep and fundamental level, a woman's breasts are our ultimate human symbol of nurturing.... That your own breasts can, in effect, turn around and attack you with a cancer when you aren't nurturing yourself (or receiving nurturing from others) is a valuable lesson that should not be lost on any woman..."
In her classic book, Our Bodies, Ourselves, author Christiane Northrup, M.D. says, "Much breast cancer is related to our need to be self-contained and self-nurturing. Caroline Myss notes, 'The major emotion behind breast lumps and breast cancer is hurt, sorrow, and unfinished business...' An important study found that breast cancer increased by almost 12 times if a woman had suffered from bereavement, job loss, or divorce in the previous five years..."
"Women with breast cancer frequently have a tendency toward self-sacrifice, inhibited sexuality, an inability to see themselves as supported by others, an inability to discharge anger or hostility, a tendency to hide anger and hostility behind a facade of pleasantness, and unresolved hostile conflict with their mothers."
"Your personality and life's tragedies and stresses are not necessarily your destiny.... Balance in nurturing is as important as balanced hormones."
More or less to some degree throughout my life, I'd say all of these statements have described me. Too many of these indicators, to a certain extent, are still true today. Although I’ve done gained much understanding (and applied it) in overcoming the trials of my early life, I clearly, I have a lot more work to do.
If I’d been warned a long time ago when I went through counseling for sexual abuse, would I be here today? I wonder if this scenario is a similar one for other women with female cancers?
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
March 25, 2006: Saturday - Flats called Jobs
While I was in an anxious mood, I called our daughter. She was puzzled. Why was I going through ups and downs when the beautiful promises given me over the past few weeks should be giving me a calm assurance?
I explained that this experience is a journey where the trip is not along a 'flat road.' Our experiences in life, generally speaking, and in particular through trials aren’t meant to be like this ______ (a flat road). Life is full of ‘hills’ and ‘valleys’. If it wasn’t, would we know really, what happiness is? If all our experiences were the same, how would we know, how would we recognize when to be grateful, etc?
(Moses 6:55 -- ... "the children of men... taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good."
Much later, my sister, Roberta, sent a forwarded email. It was graphically illustrated and summed up nicely what I tried to explain earlier to Lisa.
The road to success is not Straight.
There is a curve called Failure,
a loop called Confusion,
speed bumps called Friends,
red lights called Enemies,
caution lights called Family.
You will have flats called Jobs.
But, if you have a spare called Determination,
an engine called Perseverance,
insurance called Faith,
a driver called Jesus,
you will make it to a place called Success.
(Philippians 4:13 --- "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.")
I explained that this experience is a journey where the trip is not along a 'flat road.' Our experiences in life, generally speaking, and in particular through trials aren’t meant to be like this ______ (a flat road). Life is full of ‘hills’ and ‘valleys’. If it wasn’t, would we know really, what happiness is? If all our experiences were the same, how would we know, how would we recognize when to be grateful, etc?
(Moses 6:55 -- ... "the children of men... taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good."
Much later, my sister, Roberta, sent a forwarded email. It was graphically illustrated and summed up nicely what I tried to explain earlier to Lisa.
The road to success is not Straight.
There is a curve called Failure,
a loop called Confusion,
speed bumps called Friends,
red lights called Enemies,
caution lights called Family.
You will have flats called Jobs.
But, if you have a spare called Determination,
an engine called Perseverance,
insurance called Faith,
a driver called Jesus,
you will make it to a place called Success.
(Philippians 4:13 --- "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.")
March 24, 2006: Friday – Unity and Strength in Prayer
Today, our son and his family began to play in the snow almost as soon as they finished unpacking for their visit this weekend. They’ve come up from southern Utah and have looked forward with much excitement to being in snow. Glad we have some!
This afternoon, I sent an email out to several family and friends asking them to combine their prayers with ours this Sunday. Following the example of Alma the Younger's father in Mosiah 27:22 & 23, we were generally specific in our requests:
1) that the doctor(s) may be led by the Holy Spirit as she (they) prepare and operate
2) that the best possible outcome will be achieved so that our deepest desires that we have held previous to the diagnosis may be granted.
There is unity and strength in the combined prayers of caring individuals. I have faith that God hears and answers all prayers, in His own way and time.
This afternoon, I sent an email out to several family and friends asking them to combine their prayers with ours this Sunday. Following the example of Alma the Younger's father in Mosiah 27:22 & 23, we were generally specific in our requests:
1) that the doctor(s) may be led by the Holy Spirit as she (they) prepare and operate
2) that the best possible outcome will be achieved so that our deepest desires that we have held previous to the diagnosis may be granted.
There is unity and strength in the combined prayers of caring individuals. I have faith that God hears and answers all prayers, in His own way and time.
March 23, 2006: Thursday – Panic Attack: Another blessing asked and given
The time is once again closing in: less than a week until the lumpectomy!
I awoke this morning feeling anxious and panicky. I didn’t understand why I would be feeling this way after the many wonderful insights and beautiful blessings given me over the last few weeks. But there it was… Every little thing that seemed wrong or was even slightly out of place was magnified 100 times in my mind. I was in tears before long and asked Rex for a blessing about noon.
In this blessing, I was given to know that (during the operation?), the doctors would either have a ’stupor of thought’ or a clear idea of what needed to be done if/when confronted with any unusual situation.
Rex and I can have confidence in the choices made thus far: the blessing and promises given are still in effect….
The blessings of former blessings will comfort me - come to mind - when I most need them….
This blessing today again talked about the loving support of family and friends and the nearness of the Holy Ghost.
As Rex and I talked this morning, we discussed the difficulties of this challenge of which he is carrying the major burden, especially with the federal tax return date fast approaching. It seems that I can only wrap my mind around one major project at a time (maybe a couple smaller ones). Right now, my total energy is in battling the cancer and healing my body.
Kicked back this afternoon and finished, “At First Sight” by Nicolas Sparks. I never would have guessed the ending!
I awoke this morning feeling anxious and panicky. I didn’t understand why I would be feeling this way after the many wonderful insights and beautiful blessings given me over the last few weeks. But there it was… Every little thing that seemed wrong or was even slightly out of place was magnified 100 times in my mind. I was in tears before long and asked Rex for a blessing about noon.
In this blessing, I was given to know that (during the operation?), the doctors would either have a ’stupor of thought’ or a clear idea of what needed to be done if/when confronted with any unusual situation.
Rex and I can have confidence in the choices made thus far: the blessing and promises given are still in effect….
The blessings of former blessings will comfort me - come to mind - when I most need them….
This blessing today again talked about the loving support of family and friends and the nearness of the Holy Ghost.
As Rex and I talked this morning, we discussed the difficulties of this challenge of which he is carrying the major burden, especially with the federal tax return date fast approaching. It seems that I can only wrap my mind around one major project at a time (maybe a couple smaller ones). Right now, my total energy is in battling the cancer and healing my body.
Kicked back this afternoon and finished, “At First Sight” by Nicolas Sparks. I never would have guessed the ending!
March 22, 2006: Wednesday: - ‘The Blessings of Angels’
We went to our granddaughter, Lauren's, birthday party. Her mother always plans such cute parties with fun themes. This year's was a Tea Party. All the little girls, ages 5-7, came atired in flowery dresses. I painted their fingernails while her other grandmother glued flowers on wide-brimmed hats for all to wear. Then they sat down to eat cake & ice cream and sip koolade from teacups. It reminded me of the Greg Olson painting, Tea Party.
Rex and I went to the temple later and that reminded me of the work on earth I love to do. I also visited some with Anna: energizing! We did grocery shopping, bookstores, Costco, office supplies… a full day. We arrived home about midnight.
Not surprisingly, all the activity proved too much for me. I lay in bed, exhausted, and that was a natural 'lead-in' to a panic attack: a little over 6 more days! I thought of the promised blessings of 'angels to be near me' and calmed right down. Sleep wasn't long in coming.
Rex and I went to the temple later and that reminded me of the work on earth I love to do. I also visited some with Anna: energizing! We did grocery shopping, bookstores, Costco, office supplies… a full day. We arrived home about midnight.
Not surprisingly, all the activity proved too much for me. I lay in bed, exhausted, and that was a natural 'lead-in' to a panic attack: a little over 6 more days! I thought of the promised blessings of 'angels to be near me' and calmed right down. Sleep wasn't long in coming.
March 21, 2006: Tuesday - “An Eternity of Sunsets” (I wish you…)
I awoke at 6 AM full of enthusiasm. Seeing yesterday’s sunset while listening to Sis. Perry’s song filled me with energy all day!
Today is one of my best friend’s 65th birthday. She hates getting old! I emailed her poem I composed having been inspired by yesterday’s sunset and song.
An Eternity of Lovely Sunsets
I have a friend of thirty years.
We once lived close but now live far.
My sweetheart's name is Rex
Her sweetheart's name is LaVar.
We didn't know each other at the age seven,
But like little girls do that are of that age,
We must have known each other long before in heaven
And giggled over what we'd do during our earthly stage.
We're fortunate in today’s world that technology is advanced!
The www gives us a place so we can easily communicate.
Oft times, we help each other find meaning and balance
like right now, on my friend’s senior citizen birthdate!
I listened to a Janice Kapp Perry song yesterday.
"I Love This Season of My Life" was its name.
If I could, I'd send my friend the sunset I watched at the end of day
while I drank in the words that really are so true and calmly sane.
So often during our busy mortal life
What we see first and most is not from an eternal perspective
It's the tears, the pain, the mundane, and the strife --
My wish for her is that this poem will be remembered as ...
an Eternally Joyful sedative! (lol)
Today is one of my best friend’s 65th birthday. She hates getting old! I emailed her poem I composed having been inspired by yesterday’s sunset and song.
An Eternity of Lovely Sunsets
I have a friend of thirty years.
We once lived close but now live far.
My sweetheart's name is Rex
Her sweetheart's name is LaVar.
We didn't know each other at the age seven,
But like little girls do that are of that age,
We must have known each other long before in heaven
And giggled over what we'd do during our earthly stage.
We're fortunate in today’s world that technology is advanced!
The www gives us a place so we can easily communicate.
Oft times, we help each other find meaning and balance
like right now, on my friend’s senior citizen birthdate!
I listened to a Janice Kapp Perry song yesterday.
"I Love This Season of My Life" was its name.
If I could, I'd send my friend the sunset I watched at the end of day
while I drank in the words that really are so true and calmly sane.
So often during our busy mortal life
What we see first and most is not from an eternal perspective
It's the tears, the pain, the mundane, and the strife --
My wish for her is that this poem will be remembered as ...
an Eternally Joyful sedative! (lol)
March 20, 2006: Tuesday – My Cure Handbook: Looking Forward or Looking Backward?
I just wish this whole experience would be over and done with so I could get on with my 'normal' life. Currently, I cannot concentrate as I have no patience to do the mundane things of life such as housework or work on taxes or even work on my genealogy business because my perspective is they are part of ordinary life and my life just isn't ordinary at the moment.
The question is, "Will it ever be?" A couple of weeks ago, after my first appointment with the systemic oncologist, I was given a big, thick binder entitled, "My Cure Handbook: An integrative approach to healing.... Caring for your mind, body and spirit." This I read through before visiting with the surgeon on Feb. 28th. The chapters included: Understanding Cancer, My Treatment, Appointment Calendar, Seeking Support, and Practical Matters.
Ironically, in the chapter, Looking Forward, the second and third paragraphs say: "When treatment ends, people often expect life to return to the way it was before they were diagnosed with cancer. This rarely happens. You may have permanent scars on your body or may not be able to do some things you once did easily. Just as with other major life events, you and your life have been changed by this experience....
One of the hardest things after treatment is not knowing what happens next. What is 'normal' after cancer treatment? Those who have lived through treatment (my note: a poor choice of words. Not funny!!) talk about the first few months as a time of change. It's not so much 'getting back to normal' as finding out what is normal for you now..."
It was a real bummer when I first read that. It's depressing, but it also got me ticked. I do not accept it! Certainly I know that there will be some things that are different: I might have a scar (vitamin E, vitamin E, vitamin E) and I'll follow better health practices which improve my over-all immune system and work to prevent the chances of a recurrence. That's a given! Reading Looking Forward, though, made it sound like a possible recurrence of cancer would always be (should always be?) in the back of my mind. However, I refuse to live as if I were looking backwards over my shoulder. (Another irony when considering the title of the chapter!)
Thankfully, there was a lot of 'upside' to this day.
Upon waking, I had a cute little dream. Also, in my email box were several cute 'forwards.'
A couple of them really made me laugh for Laughter truly is the Best Medicine! I got an email from my oldest grandson. Sweet.
I went to the Family History Center in the afternoon. Healing.
Lastly, on the way home from the FHC, I listened to a Janice Kapp Perry cd. The selection, "I Love This Season of My Life" was powerful and inspiring as I stopped to listen to it while watching a beautiful evening sunset.
The question is, "Will it ever be?" A couple of weeks ago, after my first appointment with the systemic oncologist, I was given a big, thick binder entitled, "My Cure Handbook: An integrative approach to healing.... Caring for your mind, body and spirit." This I read through before visiting with the surgeon on Feb. 28th. The chapters included: Understanding Cancer, My Treatment, Appointment Calendar, Seeking Support, and Practical Matters.
Ironically, in the chapter, Looking Forward, the second and third paragraphs say: "When treatment ends, people often expect life to return to the way it was before they were diagnosed with cancer. This rarely happens. You may have permanent scars on your body or may not be able to do some things you once did easily. Just as with other major life events, you and your life have been changed by this experience....
One of the hardest things after treatment is not knowing what happens next. What is 'normal' after cancer treatment? Those who have lived through treatment (my note: a poor choice of words. Not funny!!) talk about the first few months as a time of change. It's not so much 'getting back to normal' as finding out what is normal for you now..."
It was a real bummer when I first read that. It's depressing, but it also got me ticked. I do not accept it! Certainly I know that there will be some things that are different: I might have a scar (vitamin E, vitamin E, vitamin E) and I'll follow better health practices which improve my over-all immune system and work to prevent the chances of a recurrence. That's a given! Reading Looking Forward, though, made it sound like a possible recurrence of cancer would always be (should always be?) in the back of my mind. However, I refuse to live as if I were looking backwards over my shoulder. (Another irony when considering the title of the chapter!)
Thankfully, there was a lot of 'upside' to this day.
Upon waking, I had a cute little dream. Also, in my email box were several cute 'forwards.'
A couple of them really made me laugh for Laughter truly is the Best Medicine! I got an email from my oldest grandson. Sweet.
I went to the Family History Center in the afternoon. Healing.
Lastly, on the way home from the FHC, I listened to a Janice Kapp Perry cd. The selection, "I Love This Season of My Life" was powerful and inspiring as I stopped to listen to it while watching a beautiful evening sunset.
Monday, December 3, 2007
March 19, 2006: Sunday - www.QuackWatch.com
Last night's research left me feeling ‘down.’ I found a website that 'exposed' alternative cancer therapies: www.quackwatch.com. A doctor who, I imagine, has seen plenty of patients try plenty of things writes it. For him to be so condemning and complete in his list makes me wonder. Did he personally have a loved one die after trying out a number of natural therapies? It would seem that every single alternative cancer therapy is on his list. Every single one! ("Dubious treatments" include coral calcium, Essaic, Vitamin C, grape cure, immunotherapy.)
One can understand his crusade but on the other hand, he has probably never have been in his cancer patient's shoes. HOPE helps cancer patients fight. What does conventional medicine leave when all their treatments fail? Much too often a patient goes the conventional medical therapy route and when it’s too late, then they turn to alternative cancer treatments. Considering alternative cancer treatments right along side of conventional is considered complimentary medicine. In my opinion, both should be used.
Rex and I talked about this website for a long time. I feel Rex and I are truly 'one' in this decision making process. Our discussion was quite insightful as it highlighted our different roles quite clearly. In my case, he's always been more favorable to conventional medical therapies, especially radiation and possibly chemotherapy if it came down to that. While I recognize that his thinking is at least based in part on his fear and anxiety for my health, the truth is that Rex is more likely to grab an alternative medicine when he feels a cold coming on. He'll reach for the homeopathic flu prevention vial or grab some zinc if he feels his throat begin to tickle. He rarely takes aspirin and when he does get a bad cold, he never takes over-the-counter medicine. (Perhaps once in his entire life he's agreed to take Nyquil?) Oh, to be sure, I'll measurably increase the vitamin C, etc. but as for me, just give me one Contact and my cold symptoms are knocked out entirely!
So, we have come to see that in this decision making process, our differing attitudes brings us balance when we're willing and open to listening to the other's point of view. It takes practice and patience but it's really a good thing.
One can understand his crusade but on the other hand, he has probably never have been in his cancer patient's shoes. HOPE helps cancer patients fight. What does conventional medicine leave when all their treatments fail? Much too often a patient goes the conventional medical therapy route and when it’s too late, then they turn to alternative cancer treatments. Considering alternative cancer treatments right along side of conventional is considered complimentary medicine. In my opinion, both should be used.
Rex and I talked about this website for a long time. I feel Rex and I are truly 'one' in this decision making process. Our discussion was quite insightful as it highlighted our different roles quite clearly. In my case, he's always been more favorable to conventional medical therapies, especially radiation and possibly chemotherapy if it came down to that. While I recognize that his thinking is at least based in part on his fear and anxiety for my health, the truth is that Rex is more likely to grab an alternative medicine when he feels a cold coming on. He'll reach for the homeopathic flu prevention vial or grab some zinc if he feels his throat begin to tickle. He rarely takes aspirin and when he does get a bad cold, he never takes over-the-counter medicine. (Perhaps once in his entire life he's agreed to take Nyquil?) Oh, to be sure, I'll measurably increase the vitamin C, etc. but as for me, just give me one Contact and my cold symptoms are knocked out entirely!
So, we have come to see that in this decision making process, our differing attitudes brings us balance when we're willing and open to listening to the other's point of view. It takes practice and patience but it's really a good thing.
March 18, 2006: Saturday - Weight loss in cancer victims: Cachexia
I have not slackened my pace re: cancer research. The questions have not decreased either. For every 1 answered, 2 more occur to my mind! In several ‘new patient’ interviews I’ve had recently, the question is always asked, "Have you had any recent weight loss?"
It seems a strange question. How could anyone not have lost at least some weight due to the anxiety over having been diagnosed with cancer?! So,when next I was asked that question, I asked the nurse to be more precise. She asked, "Have you lost a lot of weight recently, like 10 lbs, without really trying?"
I answered, "No, not that much" and asked her why she asked. She said that unexpected weight loss was one of the warning signs of cancer. I asked, "Why is that?"
The nurse replied that in addition to weight loss due to anxiety, there is an actual physical condition of weight loss accompanying cancer. A search on the internet gave me a more complete explanation. Here's what I discovered from www.HealthLine.com”
Cachexia
”Weight loss may be a result of a common problem in cancer called cachexia. Approximately half of all cancer patients experience cachexia, a wasting syndrome that induces metabolic changes leading to a loss of muscle and fat. It has been proposed that cachexia may be due to the effects of the tumor, but this is debatable considering some patients with very large tumors do not experience cachexia, while others do even though tumors are less than 0.01% of body mass. Cachexia is most common in patients with pancreatic and gastric cancer. Approximately 83% to 87% of these patients experience weight loss. Cachexia is characterized by symptoms such as a decreased appetite, fatigue, and poor performance status. It can occur in individuals who consume enough food, but due to disease complications, cannot absorb enough nutrients (i.e. fat malabsorption). Although energy expenditure is sometimes increased, cachexia can occur even with normal energy expenditure. Cachexia is multifactorial in nature and associated with mechanical factors, psychological factors, changes in taste, and cytokines. It should be distinguished from anorexia, where there is a loss of desire to eat, resulting in weight loss. Cachexia is serious in cancer patients, sometimes leading to death.”
It seems a strange question. How could anyone not have lost at least some weight due to the anxiety over having been diagnosed with cancer?! So,when next I was asked that question, I asked the nurse to be more precise. She asked, "Have you lost a lot of weight recently, like 10 lbs, without really trying?"
I answered, "No, not that much" and asked her why she asked. She said that unexpected weight loss was one of the warning signs of cancer. I asked, "Why is that?"
The nurse replied that in addition to weight loss due to anxiety, there is an actual physical condition of weight loss accompanying cancer. A search on the internet gave me a more complete explanation. Here's what I discovered from www.HealthLine.com”
Cachexia
”Weight loss may be a result of a common problem in cancer called cachexia. Approximately half of all cancer patients experience cachexia, a wasting syndrome that induces metabolic changes leading to a loss of muscle and fat. It has been proposed that cachexia may be due to the effects of the tumor, but this is debatable considering some patients with very large tumors do not experience cachexia, while others do even though tumors are less than 0.01% of body mass. Cachexia is most common in patients with pancreatic and gastric cancer. Approximately 83% to 87% of these patients experience weight loss. Cachexia is characterized by symptoms such as a decreased appetite, fatigue, and poor performance status. It can occur in individuals who consume enough food, but due to disease complications, cannot absorb enough nutrients (i.e. fat malabsorption). Although energy expenditure is sometimes increased, cachexia can occur even with normal energy expenditure. Cachexia is multifactorial in nature and associated with mechanical factors, psychological factors, changes in taste, and cytokines. It should be distinguished from anorexia, where there is a loss of desire to eat, resulting in weight loss. Cachexia is serious in cancer patients, sometimes leading to death.”
March 17, 2006: Friday – Lumpectomy Surgical Itinerary
This is the Itinerary as given me for March 17th. It will be similar on March 29th except the times will be a little more scrunched together. The actual surgery is to be at 11:30 AM.
8:00 AM Duration: 2 hour
Scheduled procedure: NM Sentinel node: breast
(Radioactive isotopes injected into the breast in order to track how many sentinel nodes I have and their location.)
Scheduled procedure: Ultrasound local to follow
(This is to locate where the 'core' or 'epicenter' of the cancer is within the lump.)
10:00 AM Duration: 1 hour
Scheduled procedure: US Breast localization: wire localization, films doctor
(A guide wire - based on the ultrasound which is to provide the location of the 'core' - will be inserted to give the surgeon the best idea on how much to take out: cancerous lump and the margin around it.)
11:30 AM Duration: 3 hours
Scheduled procedure: Left breast lumpectomy with ultrasound wire localization, left auxiliary sentinel lymph node biopsy
(This is it! The sentinel lymph node(s) will be extracted and tested real-time for cancer. Then follows the lumpectomy.)
After a recovery period (waking up from the anesthesia), I will go home. I will be a little sore for the next few days under the arm. Maureen's experience was that it didn't particularly stop her from most activities. She just took it a little slower and did fewer things.
Follow-up visit with the systemic oncologist: Thursday, April 27, 2006 at 3:20 pm. Duration: 20 min.
(The reason for the amount of time elapsed between operation and oncologist visit is to allow the body to fully heal before introducing additional follow-up treatments.)
8:00 AM Duration: 2 hour
Scheduled procedure: NM Sentinel node: breast
(Radioactive isotopes injected into the breast in order to track how many sentinel nodes I have and their location.)
Scheduled procedure: Ultrasound local to follow
(This is to locate where the 'core' or 'epicenter' of the cancer is within the lump.)
10:00 AM Duration: 1 hour
Scheduled procedure: US Breast localization: wire localization, films doctor
(A guide wire - based on the ultrasound which is to provide the location of the 'core' - will be inserted to give the surgeon the best idea on how much to take out: cancerous lump and the margin around it.)
11:30 AM Duration: 3 hours
Scheduled procedure: Left breast lumpectomy with ultrasound wire localization, left auxiliary sentinel lymph node biopsy
(This is it! The sentinel lymph node(s) will be extracted and tested real-time for cancer. Then follows the lumpectomy.)
After a recovery period (waking up from the anesthesia), I will go home. I will be a little sore for the next few days under the arm. Maureen's experience was that it didn't particularly stop her from most activities. She just took it a little slower and did fewer things.
Follow-up visit with the systemic oncologist: Thursday, April 27, 2006 at 3:20 pm. Duration: 20 min.
(The reason for the amount of time elapsed between operation and oncologist visit is to allow the body to fully heal before introducing additional follow-up treatments.)
March 16, 2006: Thursday: 'Uncommon Sense”
As if to further confirm prayers and to give added direction, Janice called me out of the blue on the morning of Thursday, March 16. She said that the Reliv people she personally knows that deal with curing cancer suggest 3 shakes a day containing 2 scoops each of ReversAge in addition to the 6 shakes of SoySentials I am taking. The advice is to take ReversAge on an empty stomach:
1) when I get up in the morning;
2) when I go to sleep
3) when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
Reliv has people in their organization who are called "Ambassadors." This means they've worked very hard in building up a business around Reliv products to the point where they are now sent by Reliv all over the nation (world?) to train and teach others. (Janice Z just became an Ambassador last month.) Several of these people host conference calls throughout the week. The calls last for about 45 min - 1 hr and really, anyone can listen in. Some of these calls concentrate on just teaching you how to build your business but some of them do that and have people share their successful health stories, and host a question-and-answer period. Tonight's call would feature a former oncology nurse, Wendy, and her husband, Greg.
Greg's story is that he'd been on Reliv for 3.5 years before he and his wife of 20 years were in a fatal accident. The crash took his wife's life outright and left him with multiple brain injuries and in a coma. His family prevailed (heavily!) upon the hospital staff to allow him to receive his Reliv formula through his feeding tube. The doctors’ consensus was that if he lived, he'd be a vegetable. When he did 'wake up' a couple of weeks later, he was totally, physically whole. Though he'd formerly had a solid aversion to net marketing companies (such as Reliv), he now had a new focus and dedication. The result was that he eventually met Wendy (who was a Reliv distributor) and they were married.
Wendy's story: As an oncology nurse for many years, she was one day giving a class to about 30 women on self-breast examination when she felt a lump. She had it immediately taken care of: lumpectomy, radiation, chemotherapy, and tamoxifen. After her treatments, she was given an excellent prognosis for future health re: cancer. That might have been true, she said, but thereafter, "I had no quality of life." She experienced fibromyalgia, a 'hundred' hot flashes a day and night sweats, migraines, and sleeplessness. She said she tried everything to lessen her distresses including Young Living, all kinds of tea, etc. A friend of hers kept encouraging her to try Reliv and she kept putting her off. (For one thing, her doctor advised against it.) Finally, the friend said in exasperation, "You'll try everything under the sun except something that can really help you!" Well, to satisfy her friend, Wendy tried it. Within a short time (2-3 months), her migraines were gone for the most part as were the hot flashes. After more time had passed, her other distresses had measurably subsided.
When the question and answer period came at the end of the conference call, I asked about soy. According to some reports, soy might act negatively against the medications (chemotherapy & tamoxifen) that are supposed to be saving your life. She said in response that there hasn't been definitive scientific studies to confirm or deny that premise; that a lot depends on the quality of the soy product and how the product interacts with the body; that taken in balance with other (Reliv?) products, it can be effective and helpful. She said, "At my last check-up (it's been 10 years since I've had breast cancer), my doctor said, "Just for the record: you were right (about Reliv) and I was wrong."
Wendy's closing comment was, "Sometimes you just have to use 'uncommon sense.’ "
1) when I get up in the morning;
2) when I go to sleep
3) when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
Reliv has people in their organization who are called "Ambassadors." This means they've worked very hard in building up a business around Reliv products to the point where they are now sent by Reliv all over the nation (world?) to train and teach others. (Janice Z just became an Ambassador last month.) Several of these people host conference calls throughout the week. The calls last for about 45 min - 1 hr and really, anyone can listen in. Some of these calls concentrate on just teaching you how to build your business but some of them do that and have people share their successful health stories, and host a question-and-answer period. Tonight's call would feature a former oncology nurse, Wendy, and her husband, Greg.
Greg's story is that he'd been on Reliv for 3.5 years before he and his wife of 20 years were in a fatal accident. The crash took his wife's life outright and left him with multiple brain injuries and in a coma. His family prevailed (heavily!) upon the hospital staff to allow him to receive his Reliv formula through his feeding tube. The doctors’ consensus was that if he lived, he'd be a vegetable. When he did 'wake up' a couple of weeks later, he was totally, physically whole. Though he'd formerly had a solid aversion to net marketing companies (such as Reliv), he now had a new focus and dedication. The result was that he eventually met Wendy (who was a Reliv distributor) and they were married.
Wendy's story: As an oncology nurse for many years, she was one day giving a class to about 30 women on self-breast examination when she felt a lump. She had it immediately taken care of: lumpectomy, radiation, chemotherapy, and tamoxifen. After her treatments, she was given an excellent prognosis for future health re: cancer. That might have been true, she said, but thereafter, "I had no quality of life." She experienced fibromyalgia, a 'hundred' hot flashes a day and night sweats, migraines, and sleeplessness. She said she tried everything to lessen her distresses including Young Living, all kinds of tea, etc. A friend of hers kept encouraging her to try Reliv and she kept putting her off. (For one thing, her doctor advised against it.) Finally, the friend said in exasperation, "You'll try everything under the sun except something that can really help you!" Well, to satisfy her friend, Wendy tried it. Within a short time (2-3 months), her migraines were gone for the most part as were the hot flashes. After more time had passed, her other distresses had measurably subsided.
When the question and answer period came at the end of the conference call, I asked about soy. According to some reports, soy might act negatively against the medications (chemotherapy & tamoxifen) that are supposed to be saving your life. She said in response that there hasn't been definitive scientific studies to confirm or deny that premise; that a lot depends on the quality of the soy product and how the product interacts with the body; that taken in balance with other (Reliv?) products, it can be effective and helpful. She said, "At my last check-up (it's been 10 years since I've had breast cancer), my doctor said, "Just for the record: you were right (about Reliv) and I was wrong."
Wendy's closing comment was, "Sometimes you just have to use 'uncommon sense.’ "
Saturday, November 17, 2007
March 15, 2006: Wednesday – Lumpectomy postponed, a welcome delay
Since Sunday, I have been praying that if my body is ready for the operation and conditions are as they need to be for my prayers be answered as I have asked that my cold will be gone. If it has not, then I know my body could use the extra time to become stronger for the lumpectomy.
I called the doctor's nurse and told her about my cold that was still hanging around. She said it would be best to wait given the possibility that the little bit of congestion and wheezing was still experiencing might cause problems in waking up from the operation (the anesthesia?). The next available date for the operation was Friday, March 29th, Wednesday. I agreed to it. I had a few questions that she graciously answered before we hung up.
The realization that I have almost another two full weeks to be proactive in my own recovery sent me to my knees again. I asked Heavenly Father, "What, of all I am doing, should I step up?" I had the impression that of the several things I am doing (pH factor, etc.) while they are helpful, what is of critical importance was (and I fairly heard / saw these words written in my mind) - "resveratrol, resveratrol, resveratrol." This means I will be taking more shakes containing ReversAge.
I called the doctor's nurse and told her about my cold that was still hanging around. She said it would be best to wait given the possibility that the little bit of congestion and wheezing was still experiencing might cause problems in waking up from the operation (the anesthesia?). The next available date for the operation was Friday, March 29th, Wednesday. I agreed to it. I had a few questions that she graciously answered before we hung up.
The realization that I have almost another two full weeks to be proactive in my own recovery sent me to my knees again. I asked Heavenly Father, "What, of all I am doing, should I step up?" I had the impression that of the several things I am doing (pH factor, etc.) while they are helpful, what is of critical importance was (and I fairly heard / saw these words written in my mind) - "resveratrol, resveratrol, resveratrol." This means I will be taking more shakes containing ReversAge.
March 14, 2006: Tuesday – A Promise made to the Lord
"Let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever."
In Doctrine and Covenants 82:10, the Lord says, "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." Also, D & C 130: 20-21 says, "When we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated."
A covenant is a contract between two parties that legally binds them to fulfill it. When I have approached the Lord in the past for some great blessing, I have framed it and received it as a covenant, a binding contract.
This present trial is no different. When I pondered the terms I was willing to commit to, I found to my mild surprise that they were something I want to do regardless of the blessings I have asked for regarding my surgery. I have come to feel this way about my covenant because I know in my heart that these things I covenant to will bring me joy in and of their own right. I have found this whole month-long experience to have been a sacred journey and for that alone, I would strive to live up to what I've learned and to what I've been given.
From Alma 46:20, I have known that a Covenant with the Lord is appropriate and necessary. When invaders beset Capt. Moroni’s people, he wrote a Title of liberty: “In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, over wives and our children.” This plea took to the townspeople prophesying, “Whosoever will maintain this title upon the land, let them come forth in the strength of the Lord, and enter into a covenant that they will maintain their rights, and their religion, that the Lord God may bless them."
Therefore, I commit to doing these things that God may bless me:
1) Every morning, I will awake and ask the Lord what He have me do that today.
2) Every day, I will send a card of thanks or do something out of gratitude for someone who has blessed my life. (Alma 37:40,41)
3) I will treat the knowledge about the spiritual part of this journey and the knowledge of how my cancer was healed as a sacred trust sharing one or both with others as directed by the Lord.
In Doctrine and Covenants 82:10, the Lord says, "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." Also, D & C 130: 20-21 says, "When we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated."
A covenant is a contract between two parties that legally binds them to fulfill it. When I have approached the Lord in the past for some great blessing, I have framed it and received it as a covenant, a binding contract.
This present trial is no different. When I pondered the terms I was willing to commit to, I found to my mild surprise that they were something I want to do regardless of the blessings I have asked for regarding my surgery. I have come to feel this way about my covenant because I know in my heart that these things I covenant to will bring me joy in and of their own right. I have found this whole month-long experience to have been a sacred journey and for that alone, I would strive to live up to what I've learned and to what I've been given.
From Alma 46:20, I have known that a Covenant with the Lord is appropriate and necessary. When invaders beset Capt. Moroni’s people, he wrote a Title of liberty: “In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, over wives and our children.” This plea took to the townspeople prophesying, “Whosoever will maintain this title upon the land, let them come forth in the strength of the Lord, and enter into a covenant that they will maintain their rights, and their religion, that the Lord God may bless them."
Therefore, I commit to doing these things that God may bless me:
1) Every morning, I will awake and ask the Lord what He have me do that today.
2) Every day, I will send a card of thanks or do something out of gratitude for someone who has blessed my life. (Alma 37:40,41)
3) I will treat the knowledge about the spiritual part of this journey and the knowledge of how my cancer was healed as a sacred trust sharing one or both with others as directed by the Lord.
March 14, 2006: Tuesday - Covenant preparation
Today is our wedding anniversary. We celebrated by going to the Temple, having dinner and taking in a movie. This we did, arriving home safely shortly before midnight.
Maureen, and I had visited for about an hour. She had a gift to present to me prior to going into surgery. I unwrapped it to find a beautifully carved board with a two-sided message. On one side, it read in bold letters: BELIEVE. On the second side, the first line read, "Ask, Seek, Knock. " Below that read based upon Matt. 7:7: "Receive, Find, Opened." It is that strangely wonderful that this scripture doesn't say, 'Open' as in 'it shall be open to you,' but 'opened' as in it will be open to you. Anyway, when I saw "Believe," it just made me cry with love for this loving friend. She is such an inspiration!
Since the time that I studied and composed my Title of Liberty, I knew I would make a Covenant with the Lord. Over the past few days, it has been on my mind especially. The big question has been: For what I'm asking, what would be an acceptable offering before the Lord on my part? Certainly, I feel that I could never fully repay my Savior but at least in some small way, I will surely try!
The scriptures fell upon this morning to Alma 37:37. Its familiar verse 37 advises: “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good." Did this chapter as a whole have something else profound to say to me today? Yes, it did.
Verse 16: "..keep the commandments of God, and do with these things which are sacred according to that which the Lord doth command you, (for you must appeal unto the Lord for all things whatsoever ye must do with them)..." In my case, 'these things' I interpret to mean what I have learned and hope to share with others in the future, especially those who might find themselves 'walking in my shoes.'
Verse 36: "Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever." The last phrase is a perfect life-long motto.
In verse 40 & 41, the prophet Alma is giving his son, Helaman, a history lesson in reminding him of their immigrant forefathers, Lehi and family. When Lehi and family were commanded to leave Jerusalem in order to save his family 600 B.C. (for the population would soon be scattered to the winds), he was given many insights, visions, dreams and other things to guide them in the wilderness. "...they had... many miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day. Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means, it did show unto them marvelous works. (Yet)they were slothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence, and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey."
These past few weeks, I have seen, received and felt many 'small miracles.' Lest they become so commonplace as to lose their astonishing content, I realize I need to make a Covenant that would remind me every day from whom all my blessing flow.
Maureen, and I had visited for about an hour. She had a gift to present to me prior to going into surgery. I unwrapped it to find a beautifully carved board with a two-sided message. On one side, it read in bold letters: BELIEVE. On the second side, the first line read, "Ask, Seek, Knock. " Below that read based upon Matt. 7:7: "Receive, Find, Opened." It is that strangely wonderful that this scripture doesn't say, 'Open' as in 'it shall be open to you,' but 'opened' as in it will be open to you. Anyway, when I saw "Believe," it just made me cry with love for this loving friend. She is such an inspiration!
Since the time that I studied and composed my Title of Liberty, I knew I would make a Covenant with the Lord. Over the past few days, it has been on my mind especially. The big question has been: For what I'm asking, what would be an acceptable offering before the Lord on my part? Certainly, I feel that I could never fully repay my Savior but at least in some small way, I will surely try!
The scriptures fell upon this morning to Alma 37:37. Its familiar verse 37 advises: “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good." Did this chapter as a whole have something else profound to say to me today? Yes, it did.
Verse 16: "..keep the commandments of God, and do with these things which are sacred according to that which the Lord doth command you, (for you must appeal unto the Lord for all things whatsoever ye must do with them)..." In my case, 'these things' I interpret to mean what I have learned and hope to share with others in the future, especially those who might find themselves 'walking in my shoes.'
Verse 36: "Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever." The last phrase is a perfect life-long motto.
In verse 40 & 41, the prophet Alma is giving his son, Helaman, a history lesson in reminding him of their immigrant forefathers, Lehi and family. When Lehi and family were commanded to leave Jerusalem in order to save his family 600 B.C. (for the population would soon be scattered to the winds), he was given many insights, visions, dreams and other things to guide them in the wilderness. "...they had... many miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day. Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means, it did show unto them marvelous works. (Yet)they were slothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence, and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey."
These past few weeks, I have seen, received and felt many 'small miracles.' Lest they become so commonplace as to lose their astonishing content, I realize I need to make a Covenant that would remind me every day from whom all my blessing flow.
March 13, 2006: Monday – Warning others to get mammograms
Yesterday after our meetings at church, I was given a vase of flowers with the sentiment, "We want you to know that we'll be thinking about you this week," she said. This gift brought a tear to my eye and a lump in my throat.
Today, I shared some of those flowers with women I visit teach. I had not yet told them of my diagnosis of cancer. When I told Glenna the news, she said that her sister-in-law had just been through a lumpectomy. We chatted a little bit about that. Then she asked how I discovered it. I told her the story about the old volleyball injury turned cancerous. She said, "You know, I've had a spot like that high up on my breast. For years, it's been slightly indented but lately, I've noticed it's begun to protrude. I should go have that checked. You just did your 'good deed' for the day!"
I spent the afternoon doing genealogy at the Family History center. Afterwards, on the drive to home, I felt so very peaceful. To round out the sweet experiences of the day, Rex had dinner ready and waiting when I arrived home. He'd cooked eggplant parmigiana and the smell so filled the kitchen that I felt like I was back in Italy!
The 'angel' who called tonight was my friend, Sharon, from Salt Lake. We've been good friends for about 30 years. In addition to the notable recent events of our children's lives, we talked about the challenges of cancer, mine and a co-worker of hers. This co-worker (in his 20's?) has fast-developing cancer of the mouth though he's never smoked, drank, or chewed. He's been through radiation and chemotherapy on one side of his mouth. Now it's back on the other side. He fights it for all he's work. I told her to have him call me. I have such a desire to help and I believe that Reliv can!
Today, I shared some of those flowers with women I visit teach. I had not yet told them of my diagnosis of cancer. When I told Glenna the news, she said that her sister-in-law had just been through a lumpectomy. We chatted a little bit about that. Then she asked how I discovered it. I told her the story about the old volleyball injury turned cancerous. She said, "You know, I've had a spot like that high up on my breast. For years, it's been slightly indented but lately, I've noticed it's begun to protrude. I should go have that checked. You just did your 'good deed' for the day!"
I spent the afternoon doing genealogy at the Family History center. Afterwards, on the drive to home, I felt so very peaceful. To round out the sweet experiences of the day, Rex had dinner ready and waiting when I arrived home. He'd cooked eggplant parmigiana and the smell so filled the kitchen that I felt like I was back in Italy!
The 'angel' who called tonight was my friend, Sharon, from Salt Lake. We've been good friends for about 30 years. In addition to the notable recent events of our children's lives, we talked about the challenges of cancer, mine and a co-worker of hers. This co-worker (in his 20's?) has fast-developing cancer of the mouth though he's never smoked, drank, or chewed. He's been through radiation and chemotherapy on one side of his mouth. Now it's back on the other side. He fights it for all he's work. I told her to have him call me. I have such a desire to help and I believe that Reliv can!
March 12, 2006: Sunday – “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief”
At the outset of the blessing, Pres. Walker had asked, "Sister James, how is your faith?" I answered rather gruffly for my heart was pounding and my throat full of emotion, "For what I'm asking, it can't happen without faith!"
When I came home from church (Rex leaving directly from church for a stake meeting in Emmett), I thought as how my answer may have sounded brash. I found that when you are 'in the moment,' it's not easy answering such a question for the 'test' is so very real. Now, at home, doubts came to my mind, loud and uninvited: "Who do I think I am to ask for such a miracle?" and "Do I have enough faith?"
The questions of fear and doubting continued. "What if my request is not granted?" I surmised that the result would be that I would not be allowed to fulfill the mission I could ‘envision so clearly. At that thought, I dissolved into great sobs. No, it couldn't be; it wouldn't be. Not after all the inspirations and inspired impressions I'd received through prayer and study of the scriptures!
How to describe the lingering doubt even though I considered that my faith was strong?
Into my mind came the passage from the gospel of Mark 9:17-23 (excerpting):
”And one of the multitude... said, ‘Master, I have brought unto thee my son, which hath a dumb spirit...
And they brought him unto him... and (Christ) asked his father, ‘How long is it ago since this came unto him?’
And (the father) said, ‘(Since he) was a child.’
Jesus said unto him, "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.’
And straightaway the father cried out and said with tears, ‘Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
Now my heart took courage and I dried my eyes. Turning to a special blessing I was given in 1975, I prayerfully studied it. It’s no longer a question of belief now for I received a clear, forthright, unmistakable answer about the outcome of my health and I haven't had a moment's doubt since.
When I came home from church (Rex leaving directly from church for a stake meeting in Emmett), I thought as how my answer may have sounded brash. I found that when you are 'in the moment,' it's not easy answering such a question for the 'test' is so very real. Now, at home, doubts came to my mind, loud and uninvited: "Who do I think I am to ask for such a miracle?" and "Do I have enough faith?"
The questions of fear and doubting continued. "What if my request is not granted?" I surmised that the result would be that I would not be allowed to fulfill the mission I could ‘envision so clearly. At that thought, I dissolved into great sobs. No, it couldn't be; it wouldn't be. Not after all the inspirations and inspired impressions I'd received through prayer and study of the scriptures!
How to describe the lingering doubt even though I considered that my faith was strong?
Into my mind came the passage from the gospel of Mark 9:17-23 (excerpting):
”And one of the multitude... said, ‘Master, I have brought unto thee my son, which hath a dumb spirit...
And they brought him unto him... and (Christ) asked his father, ‘How long is it ago since this came unto him?’
And (the father) said, ‘(Since he) was a child.’
Jesus said unto him, "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.’
And straightaway the father cried out and said with tears, ‘Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
Now my heart took courage and I dried my eyes. Turning to a special blessing I was given in 1975, I prayerfully studied it. It’s no longer a question of belief now for I received a clear, forthright, unmistakable answer about the outcome of my health and I haven't had a moment's doubt since.
March 12, 2006: Sunday - “God, Our Father, Hear Us Pray”
Stake President Walker and company came for our annual ward conference today. For our sacrament (communion) hymn #170 we sang, "God, Our Father, Hear Us Pray." Nothing prepared me for the emotion I felt as the second verse opened. "Grant us, Oh Lord, grace divine." Tears began to stream down my face. This desire was so close to my heart as Rex and I were again fasting for the best possible outcome to happen and Friday, the scheduled day for the lumpectomy was coming up fast.
Pres. Walker gave a very good talk as he always does. At the conclusion, Pres. Walker said something to the effect that when a person sincerely prays and has faith, Heavenly Father always answers their prayers. I felt like he was speaking directly to me.
After church, I was asked if I wanted a blessing. I accepted and asked Pres. Walker to be the voice for the blessing that would come from Heavenly Father. He agreed. Before beginning, he asked me, "Sister James, how is your faith?"
The blessing was beautiful. I tried to listen very carefully for phrases that, beyond all doubt, would tell me what the outcome would be on Friday. From what I heard and remember, it did not tell me what I wanted to hear. However, it repeated several things said in other blessings, in particular the blessing of angels to be near/with me during this time of trial. It said that I would yet go through a test of faith. Most remarkably, it specifically addressed two paragraphs I'd written in my 'letter to God.' I thought to myself, "It's almost as if Pres. Walker’s read that letter!" and yet I knew he hadn't. Of two paragraphs in my ‘letter’ 1) clearly defined what I wished would happen re: surgery and therapy and 2) why I was asking for that specific blessing. I believed what the blessing I now received was open to more than one interpretation. When I returned home from church, I went through a couple of soul-searching hours while reviewing today’s blessing.
When Rex came home from his stake meeting about 9 PM, I asked him what he remembered from the blessing. He said that the phrase that struck him and stayed with him was that my body would be 'rid of the cancer.' He had the impression that that meant that whatever happened at the time of the operation; I would not have any cancer thereafter. (So, no radiation!)
Good news!
Pres. Walker gave a very good talk as he always does. At the conclusion, Pres. Walker said something to the effect that when a person sincerely prays and has faith, Heavenly Father always answers their prayers. I felt like he was speaking directly to me.
After church, I was asked if I wanted a blessing. I accepted and asked Pres. Walker to be the voice for the blessing that would come from Heavenly Father. He agreed. Before beginning, he asked me, "Sister James, how is your faith?"
The blessing was beautiful. I tried to listen very carefully for phrases that, beyond all doubt, would tell me what the outcome would be on Friday. From what I heard and remember, it did not tell me what I wanted to hear. However, it repeated several things said in other blessings, in particular the blessing of angels to be near/with me during this time of trial. It said that I would yet go through a test of faith. Most remarkably, it specifically addressed two paragraphs I'd written in my 'letter to God.' I thought to myself, "It's almost as if Pres. Walker’s read that letter!" and yet I knew he hadn't. Of two paragraphs in my ‘letter’ 1) clearly defined what I wished would happen re: surgery and therapy and 2) why I was asking for that specific blessing. I believed what the blessing I now received was open to more than one interpretation. When I returned home from church, I went through a couple of soul-searching hours while reviewing today’s blessing.
When Rex came home from his stake meeting about 9 PM, I asked him what he remembered from the blessing. He said that the phrase that struck him and stayed with him was that my body would be 'rid of the cancer.' He had the impression that that meant that whatever happened at the time of the operation; I would not have any cancer thereafter. (So, no radiation!)
Good news!
Friday, November 16, 2007
March 11, 2006: Saturday - Cancer is an individual experience
Jane is a friend I’ve been close to over the past 10 years. At present, she and her husband Jerry are raising two small grandsons while running two different businesses. She's a busy lady and we’re about the same age: nearing 60. She left a message on our phone asking after my welfare. "I've been thinking about you a lot," her voice said on our recorder. This morning, I returned her call. We talked for an hour and had a profound conversation that left lasting impressions and taught me several important things in regards to shaping a Health Recovery Plan for cancer.
Jane is a most remarkable lady for in her early 20's, she lost her right leg to synovial sarcoma. According to www.Cancer.gov, this is a cancer of "the muscles, fat, fibrous tissue, blood vessels or other supporting tissue of the body. Synovial tissue lines the cavities of joints, such as the knee or elbow, tendons (tissues that connect muscle to bone) and bursae (fluid-filled, cushioning sacs in the spaces between tendons, ligaments, and bones. It occurs mostly in young adults with the average age being 26 although 30% are under 20 years old. It occurs more in men than in women. Half of this type of cancer develops in the legs, especially the knees. The second most common location is the arms. It is common for synovial cancer to come back usually within the first two years after treatment. When it metastasizes, it spreads to either the lungs, lymph nodes, or bone marrow.”
The background on Jane's story is this: Thirty or more years ago, when Jane was about 26 years old, she was a mother of two small children. Jerry was not a member of our faith and he like to party. When her cancer was detected, the doctors performed all types of tests. Besides the tumor that could be felt high up on her leg, the leg was otherwise filled with undetectable cancer. However, no cancer was found in any other part of her body. Her cancer was rare: a combination of two types: bone and tissue. They advised amputation and chemotherapy which was done.
My questions to Jane were:
1. Did you ever explore other alternatives other than conventional medicine?
Ans: She never explored other options outside of amputation because she knew well in advance that it was meant to be that she would lose her leg. She had had a dream one night months previous to the diagnosis: she would have her choice of either losing an arm or a leg. Thinking through those options in her dream, she chose a leg.
2. If you had it to do all over again, would you change anything?
Ans: What she would changed would be to have foregone the chemotherapy. The reason she wasn't given radiation was that it was supposed to have been ineffective against battling her kind of cancer. The chemotherapy, in fact, was also supposedly ineffective. Why did they give it to her then? She figures it because they felt they had to do something. Had cancer been found in other parts of her body, the doctors would have simply amputated and given her nothing else because they figured that at that point, she would have had only months to live anyway. Without cancer being in evidence outside of her leg, however, they hoped to give her a better chance of survival.
The chemotherapy was to be given for a period spread over the next twelve months. She would spend one week in the hospital for treatments every month. Treatments were discontinued after only five months when Jane developed heart problems. In the intervening years, she's also developed lupus. This is a known possible side effect from the chemotherapy drugs she received.
3. Did you ever learn to what purpose having had cancer has served in your life?
4. Did you make a covenant with God when asking for a return to health?
Ans: God had given Jane to know - before the leg was taken - that her sacrifice would result in a remarkable blessing for the future well-being of her family. That's why she was at peace with what happened. It was her husband, Jerry, who made a covenant with God. If God would spare his wife's life, he would change his. When his request was granted, he made good on his promise: he joined the church and his family's well-being and happiness was preserved.
Jane helped me to see that cancer, though it is commonplace among our society today, is a very individual experience. What is or could be a solution for one, may not be for another. As we talked, I was impressed with the fact that when people find out about a life-threatening illness, etc., I can't help but think that they drop to their knees in prayer. They may be asking, "Why me, Lord?" but they are also asking, "Where do I go from here? What am I to do?" I believe that in our heart of hearts, the Lord comforts and answers us all on some level. That's why some people do the straight conventional medical therapy; some pray themselves whole; others go the alternative medical route and still others follow a complimentary approach combining all of these therapies.
Jane is a most remarkable lady for in her early 20's, she lost her right leg to synovial sarcoma. According to www.Cancer.gov, this is a cancer of "the muscles, fat, fibrous tissue, blood vessels or other supporting tissue of the body. Synovial tissue lines the cavities of joints, such as the knee or elbow, tendons (tissues that connect muscle to bone) and bursae (fluid-filled, cushioning sacs in the spaces between tendons, ligaments, and bones. It occurs mostly in young adults with the average age being 26 although 30% are under 20 years old. It occurs more in men than in women. Half of this type of cancer develops in the legs, especially the knees. The second most common location is the arms. It is common for synovial cancer to come back usually within the first two years after treatment. When it metastasizes, it spreads to either the lungs, lymph nodes, or bone marrow.”
The background on Jane's story is this: Thirty or more years ago, when Jane was about 26 years old, she was a mother of two small children. Jerry was not a member of our faith and he like to party. When her cancer was detected, the doctors performed all types of tests. Besides the tumor that could be felt high up on her leg, the leg was otherwise filled with undetectable cancer. However, no cancer was found in any other part of her body. Her cancer was rare: a combination of two types: bone and tissue. They advised amputation and chemotherapy which was done.
My questions to Jane were:
1. Did you ever explore other alternatives other than conventional medicine?
Ans: She never explored other options outside of amputation because she knew well in advance that it was meant to be that she would lose her leg. She had had a dream one night months previous to the diagnosis: she would have her choice of either losing an arm or a leg. Thinking through those options in her dream, she chose a leg.
2. If you had it to do all over again, would you change anything?
Ans: What she would changed would be to have foregone the chemotherapy. The reason she wasn't given radiation was that it was supposed to have been ineffective against battling her kind of cancer. The chemotherapy, in fact, was also supposedly ineffective. Why did they give it to her then? She figures it because they felt they had to do something. Had cancer been found in other parts of her body, the doctors would have simply amputated and given her nothing else because they figured that at that point, she would have had only months to live anyway. Without cancer being in evidence outside of her leg, however, they hoped to give her a better chance of survival.
The chemotherapy was to be given for a period spread over the next twelve months. She would spend one week in the hospital for treatments every month. Treatments were discontinued after only five months when Jane developed heart problems. In the intervening years, she's also developed lupus. This is a known possible side effect from the chemotherapy drugs she received.
3. Did you ever learn to what purpose having had cancer has served in your life?
4. Did you make a covenant with God when asking for a return to health?
Ans: God had given Jane to know - before the leg was taken - that her sacrifice would result in a remarkable blessing for the future well-being of her family. That's why she was at peace with what happened. It was her husband, Jerry, who made a covenant with God. If God would spare his wife's life, he would change his. When his request was granted, he made good on his promise: he joined the church and his family's well-being and happiness was preserved.
Jane helped me to see that cancer, though it is commonplace among our society today, is a very individual experience. What is or could be a solution for one, may not be for another. As we talked, I was impressed with the fact that when people find out about a life-threatening illness, etc., I can't help but think that they drop to their knees in prayer. They may be asking, "Why me, Lord?" but they are also asking, "Where do I go from here? What am I to do?" I believe that in our heart of hearts, the Lord comforts and answers us all on some level. That's why some people do the straight conventional medical therapy; some pray themselves whole; others go the alternative medical route and still others follow a complimentary approach combining all of these therapies.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
March 10 - Friday: Misleading Tamoxifen Advertising
In a letter to the FDA, Cindy Pearson, executive director of the National Women's Health Network (NWHN), elegantly laid out the truth about an ad for tamoxifen that appeared in Newsweek... The ad is an excellent example of how statistics are deceptively used both in advertising and in writing abstracts of published studies:
"The ad is misleading because of the shifting use of absolute and relative risk numbers. By juxtaposing test reading "women who took Nolvadex (tamoxifen) had 44% fewer breast cancers than women taking sugar pills," with text asserting that health threatening side effects "occurred in less than 1% of women," Zeneca (the drug maker) is deliberately creating an inaccurate impression of the risk/benefit of this drug. The average consumer reading this text would understand that she has a 44% chance of benefiting from taking tamoxifen and less than a 1% chance of experiencing the associated risks.
If the ad used relative risk consistently, it would say that women who took tamoxifen had 44% fewer breast cancers and 253% more endometrial (uterine) cancers. Or alternatively, if Zeneca wants to use the absolute numbers to assert that women have a less than 1% chance of being harmed by tamoxifen, the ad should also explain that in absolute terms the women have only a 1-2% chance of benefiting from the drug depending on their underlying risk of getting breast cancer in the first place.
We hope the FDA will act quickly and strongly... This is not the first misleading advertisement of this promotional campaign... Tamoxifen is not a risk-free drug. Healthy women have already died as a result of taking tamoxifen..."
**************************
Many doctors prescribe tamoxifen as a matter of course to virtually all women with breast cancer, regarless of age or whether they have a uterus and apparently without regard to the National Cancer Institute study warning against such indiscriminate use. (p. 229-232) For the most part, it's only in the United States that doctors still believe tamoxifen significantly prevents or reverses breast cancer. In fact, now even the National Cancer Institute has come out with a statement that in all but a very narrow group of women under the age of 60, tamoxifen may do more harm than good in terms of preventing cancer. Despite this, the Food and Drug Administration just approved the use of tamoxifen to treat a form of breast cancer known as ductal carcinoma in situ or DCIS. (These are not breast cancers at all - but benign tumors.) (p.10)
If the side effects of tamoxifen are this bad, why is it being used at all, and why is it being trumpeted so loudly as the great cure-all, to the extent that the FDA approved its use as a preventive? ... It's the lesser of many evils; it's better than nothing. Theoretically - on paper, in test tubes and in laboratory animals - tamoxifen looks promising and the rationale for using it is based on solid scientific foundations. (p.9)
Just in case you're wondering about the profitability of a drug like tamoxifen, it's estimated that at least 60% of women with breast cancer are taking tamoxifen and at a cost of about $1,000 per year each, that's one billion dollars a year going into the pockets of the drug companies. (p. 232)
********************************************
Update – July, 2006 in the magazine, Cancer
Tamoxifen Fails to Reduce Breast Cancer Risk in Most Women
by Allison Gandey
A new study suggests that current recommendations for tamoxifen use should be amended to promote the drug for only the highest-risk women.
"The ad is misleading because of the shifting use of absolute and relative risk numbers. By juxtaposing test reading "women who took Nolvadex (tamoxifen) had 44% fewer breast cancers than women taking sugar pills," with text asserting that health threatening side effects "occurred in less than 1% of women," Zeneca (the drug maker) is deliberately creating an inaccurate impression of the risk/benefit of this drug. The average consumer reading this text would understand that she has a 44% chance of benefiting from taking tamoxifen and less than a 1% chance of experiencing the associated risks.
If the ad used relative risk consistently, it would say that women who took tamoxifen had 44% fewer breast cancers and 253% more endometrial (uterine) cancers. Or alternatively, if Zeneca wants to use the absolute numbers to assert that women have a less than 1% chance of being harmed by tamoxifen, the ad should also explain that in absolute terms the women have only a 1-2% chance of benefiting from the drug depending on their underlying risk of getting breast cancer in the first place.
We hope the FDA will act quickly and strongly... This is not the first misleading advertisement of this promotional campaign... Tamoxifen is not a risk-free drug. Healthy women have already died as a result of taking tamoxifen..."
**************************
Many doctors prescribe tamoxifen as a matter of course to virtually all women with breast cancer, regarless of age or whether they have a uterus and apparently without regard to the National Cancer Institute study warning against such indiscriminate use. (p. 229-232) For the most part, it's only in the United States that doctors still believe tamoxifen significantly prevents or reverses breast cancer. In fact, now even the National Cancer Institute has come out with a statement that in all but a very narrow group of women under the age of 60, tamoxifen may do more harm than good in terms of preventing cancer. Despite this, the Food and Drug Administration just approved the use of tamoxifen to treat a form of breast cancer known as ductal carcinoma in situ or DCIS. (These are not breast cancers at all - but benign tumors.) (p.10)
If the side effects of tamoxifen are this bad, why is it being used at all, and why is it being trumpeted so loudly as the great cure-all, to the extent that the FDA approved its use as a preventive? ... It's the lesser of many evils; it's better than nothing. Theoretically - on paper, in test tubes and in laboratory animals - tamoxifen looks promising and the rationale for using it is based on solid scientific foundations. (p.9)
Just in case you're wondering about the profitability of a drug like tamoxifen, it's estimated that at least 60% of women with breast cancer are taking tamoxifen and at a cost of about $1,000 per year each, that's one billion dollars a year going into the pockets of the drug companies. (p. 232)
********************************************
Update – July, 2006 in the magazine, Cancer
Tamoxifen Fails to Reduce Breast Cancer Risk in Most Women
by Allison Gandey
A new study suggests that current recommendations for tamoxifen use should be amended to promote the drug for only the highest-risk women.
March 10, 2006: Friday - Tamoxifen: its Warning Label should read...
Excerpts taken from Dr. John R. Lee, M.D.'s book,
"What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer." (published 2003)
"Tamoxifen is a synthetic, non-steriod drug that competes with estrogens for binding to the estrogen receptors in some parts of the body, including the breast. When estrogens bind the estrogen receptors in cells of the breast or uterus, for example, this activates cell growth and division. When tamoxifen occupies the estrogen receptor in place of the estrogen, it paralyzes the receptor, preventing it from triggering the events that result in (cancerous) cell division.... (In early studies), researchers discovered that tamoxifen did not kill cancer cells but put them into a deep sleep or quiescence. The negative side of this type of drug is that when estrogen is added back in, the cells begin to divide again.
Since 70-80% of all breast cancers contain estrogen receptors, this provided a strong impetus to test tamoxifen's anti-cancer effects in women with breast cancer and clinical trials began in the early 1970s. After the first studies, it was clear that following the first 5 years of use, the cancer-protective benefit waned. It was also clear that tamoxifen didn't work for breast cancer tumors that weren't estrogen-driven or when the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes.
Further, numerous serious side effects of the drug emerged. It has been clearly established in both animal and human studies that tamoxifen quickly causes thickening of the uterus (and that) in the first studies, a significant number of women died of uterine cancer. In response, the World Health Organization listed tamoxifen as a cancer-causing drug. (p.221-223)
*************************
Note: The WHO formerly listed tamoxifen as a cancer-causing drug. Today - Nov. 2007 - it is listed a ‘essential’ in the fight against cancer.
*************************
Continuing...
In a large study funded by the National Cancer Institute known as the Breast Cancer Prevention Trial, 13,000 women without breast cancer were given either tamoxifen or a placebo for six years or less (the average was three years.) Reportedly, 154 of the women receiving the placebo developed invasive breast cancer while only 85 women on tamoxifen did. The study had been planned to extend longer but was cut short, it's claimed, so those women on the placebo could switch to tamoxifen.
Among the women taking tamoxifen, 33 developed uterine cancer compared to only 14 in the placebo group.
Among women taking tamoxifen, 18 developed pulmonary embolism (blood clot) and 3 died compared to 6 taking placebos.
Among the women taking tamoxifen, 33 developed deep vein thrombosis (blood clot in a major vein); 22 on placebos.
Among the women taking tamoxifen, 38 women had a stroke; 24 while on the placebo.
All these side effects are well-known effects of excess estrogen. Remember, all of the above women were healthy when they entered into the trial! (p.224)
"What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer." (published 2003)
"Tamoxifen is a synthetic, non-steriod drug that competes with estrogens for binding to the estrogen receptors in some parts of the body, including the breast. When estrogens bind the estrogen receptors in cells of the breast or uterus, for example, this activates cell growth and division. When tamoxifen occupies the estrogen receptor in place of the estrogen, it paralyzes the receptor, preventing it from triggering the events that result in (cancerous) cell division.... (In early studies), researchers discovered that tamoxifen did not kill cancer cells but put them into a deep sleep or quiescence. The negative side of this type of drug is that when estrogen is added back in, the cells begin to divide again.
Since 70-80% of all breast cancers contain estrogen receptors, this provided a strong impetus to test tamoxifen's anti-cancer effects in women with breast cancer and clinical trials began in the early 1970s. After the first studies, it was clear that following the first 5 years of use, the cancer-protective benefit waned. It was also clear that tamoxifen didn't work for breast cancer tumors that weren't estrogen-driven or when the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes.
Further, numerous serious side effects of the drug emerged. It has been clearly established in both animal and human studies that tamoxifen quickly causes thickening of the uterus (and that) in the first studies, a significant number of women died of uterine cancer. In response, the World Health Organization listed tamoxifen as a cancer-causing drug. (p.221-223)
*************************
Note: The WHO formerly listed tamoxifen as a cancer-causing drug. Today - Nov. 2007 - it is listed a ‘essential’ in the fight against cancer.
*************************
Continuing...
In a large study funded by the National Cancer Institute known as the Breast Cancer Prevention Trial, 13,000 women without breast cancer were given either tamoxifen or a placebo for six years or less (the average was three years.) Reportedly, 154 of the women receiving the placebo developed invasive breast cancer while only 85 women on tamoxifen did. The study had been planned to extend longer but was cut short, it's claimed, so those women on the placebo could switch to tamoxifen.
Among the women taking tamoxifen, 33 developed uterine cancer compared to only 14 in the placebo group.
Among women taking tamoxifen, 18 developed pulmonary embolism (blood clot) and 3 died compared to 6 taking placebos.
Among the women taking tamoxifen, 33 developed deep vein thrombosis (blood clot in a major vein); 22 on placebos.
Among the women taking tamoxifen, 38 women had a stroke; 24 while on the placebo.
All these side effects are well-known effects of excess estrogen. Remember, all of the above women were healthy when they entered into the trial! (p.224)
March 10, 2006: Friday – Work with the System
I had a wonderful morning after getting past a panic attack! Feelings and thoughts loomed up like ugly snake heads: Surgery is to be a week from today! One short week.... seven days. Count them: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven days! Am I as healthy as I can possibly be? Has everything been done that could be done? Still fretting, I knelt in prayer. Recalled to me were all my blessings and it calmed me down.
I picked up the Book of Mormon to read it. It fell open somewhere towards the end of the book, to Ether 9. Hmmm. I don't remember anything remarkable about this chapter but let's just go with it and see if there's any specific message for me, here and now, today. Little did I know!
Chapter 9 talks about a people (King Omer and all) who left their homeland because insurgents (in the form of the king's rebellious son) had overtaken the government via the implementation of a 'wicked and secret society.' For the next three generations, the two peoples lived apart. The king's people - they who were righteous - lived long and prospered.
Ether 9:21-22:
And Emer (another of the king's sons) did execute judgment in righteousness all his days, and he begat Coriantum... and anointed Coriantum to reign in his stead.' (The rebellious, however, did not live long or peacefully.)
And after he (Emer) had anointed Coriantum (his son, - 3rd generation) to reign in his stead, he lived four years; and he saw peace in the land; yea, and he even saw the Son of Righteousness, and did rejoice and glory in his day; and he died in peace.
What about the 'secret society' that separated these two peoples? They are described as 'secret combinations' (like the Mafia) with 'oaths given them who sought power' for the purpose of getting power and gain; which societies seek to 'overthrow the freedom of all lands.' One readily thinks of government conspiracies ("One World Order") but might there also be other conspiracies such as powerful drug and pharmaceutical companies that tie medical doctor's hands? How can any good man (like my doctor) wish to be a part of them, if this supposition is even partly true?
After pondering this question, I reasoned that a good man (or woman) who desires to do the most good for the most people most of the time would do well to become a doctor (nurse, etc.) and that if the 'system' is corrupt - a little or a lot - it is much more effective to work within the system to change things than outside of it. To date, we have much, much to be thankful for regarding the medical community, not the least reason of which is the many advances made in diagnostic instruments that help pinpoint disease and because of early detection, help more people to live long and prosperous lives.
I picked up the Book of Mormon to read it. It fell open somewhere towards the end of the book, to Ether 9. Hmmm. I don't remember anything remarkable about this chapter but let's just go with it and see if there's any specific message for me, here and now, today. Little did I know!
Chapter 9 talks about a people (King Omer and all) who left their homeland because insurgents (in the form of the king's rebellious son) had overtaken the government via the implementation of a 'wicked and secret society.' For the next three generations, the two peoples lived apart. The king's people - they who were righteous - lived long and prospered.
Ether 9:21-22:
And Emer (another of the king's sons) did execute judgment in righteousness all his days, and he begat Coriantum... and anointed Coriantum to reign in his stead.' (The rebellious, however, did not live long or peacefully.)
And after he (Emer) had anointed Coriantum (his son, - 3rd generation) to reign in his stead, he lived four years; and he saw peace in the land; yea, and he even saw the Son of Righteousness, and did rejoice and glory in his day; and he died in peace.
What about the 'secret society' that separated these two peoples? They are described as 'secret combinations' (like the Mafia) with 'oaths given them who sought power' for the purpose of getting power and gain; which societies seek to 'overthrow the freedom of all lands.' One readily thinks of government conspiracies ("One World Order") but might there also be other conspiracies such as powerful drug and pharmaceutical companies that tie medical doctor's hands? How can any good man (like my doctor) wish to be a part of them, if this supposition is even partly true?
After pondering this question, I reasoned that a good man (or woman) who desires to do the most good for the most people most of the time would do well to become a doctor (nurse, etc.) and that if the 'system' is corrupt - a little or a lot - it is much more effective to work within the system to change things than outside of it. To date, we have much, much to be thankful for regarding the medical community, not the least reason of which is the many advances made in diagnostic instruments that help pinpoint disease and because of early detection, help more people to live long and prosperous lives.
March 9, 2006: Thursday: Medical history interview
In a comprehensive medical interview taken over the phone by a hospital employee, a few questions were asked that struck me as odd. (I'd already answered most/all these questions for both the surgeon and the oncologist's offices. Now the hospital itself wanted its own record. I guess all bases must be thoroughly covered 'just in case'!) The employee talked rapidly and wrote as fast as she could. One answer I gave caught her quite off-guard.
Question: Have you ever had a serious illness? (She rattled off several).
I said, "No. No. No. Yes, I had osteoporosis. But I don't have that now." You could hear how stunned she was as she involuntarily said, "How'd you get rid of it?" I told her about Reliv.
To my limited knowledge, these were odd questions:
Question: Have you recently lost a lot of weight?
Answer: No. I've lost some, but not a lot.
(Update: I asked the surgeon’s nurse, Evie, why this question was asked. Was it solely because when a person finds out they've been diagnosed with cancer, they begin to worry and that the resulting weight loss is not good for their immune system / attitude? Or is there actually something to cancer that it causes you to lose a lot of weight?
Evie said, "A little of both. Losing a lot of weight without trying is one of the seven danger signs of cancer." I’ve since learned that doctors look for a rapid weight loss of 7 pounds or more, that is, if you haven’t been trying to lose weight.
Question: Have you had any x-rays taken in the last 6 months?
Answer: I had x-rays taken in January prior to having a tooth capped, a bone density test, x-rays after an accident, and a mammogram.
I asked why this question was asked. Her response was: "You are asked that just because we want to know if you've had any mammograms done at any other facility other than St. Alphonsus. If so, they might give us more or better information." I didn't point out to her that that wasn't exactly her question. “Have you had any x-rays taken? is different from “Have you had any mammograms taken recently?”)
Note:
”A summer 2000 study... looked at data collected over 40 years.. of women with scoliosis who received many diagnostic x-rays during childhood and adolescence. (They had a) 70% higher risk of breast cancer than women in the general population. The more x-rays a woman was exposed to, and the higher the dose of radiation, the greater her risk of breast cancer. Although the dose of radiation in a typical x-ray is now much lower than it was when these women were being x0-rayed, the point is still valid: Radiation is a potent risk factor for breast cancer; its effect is cumulative and mammography involves forcefully squashing the breast and then shooting radiation through it." Source: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer, by Dr. John R. Lee, M.D., p.11:
Question: At what age did you first start menstruating? When was your first child born? How many pregnancies?
Answer: 11. 19. 2.
Question: Are you allergic to plastic?
Answer: Not that I know of. Her question did call to mind the years I worked in a plastics factory when a teenager. Did this environment 'encourage' cancer?
Question: Have you ever suffered any physical abuse?
Answer: Yes, but that was over 30 years ago and not an issue with me anymore.
Her question raised a question in my mind: If conventional medicine doesn't believe that healing is could be a matter of 'mind over matter,' why do they ask such questions? Or, taking the opposite point of view: How could they believe on the one hand that it could possibly be and on the other, discount such a recovery course to a patient because it hasn't been 'scientifically proven'?
Question: Have you ever smoked? How long ago? For how long? How much a day?
Answer: Yes. I quit 33 years ago. I smoked previously to that for 7 years, a pack a day.
Do educators use this kind of information - that it can still effect your body long, long, long after you've quit! - when warning teens against smoking?
Question: What is the best way you learn? By sight or by hearing?
Answer: By sight.
At the end of the interview, she proceeded to give me a detailed description of how to get to the hospital building the morning of the 17th. I stopped her half-way and said, "Please tell my husband all this. Remember I learn best by sight, not by hearing?" She said, "Oh, yeah." Rex took the phone and understood all she described. Pretty funny!)
Question: Have you ever had a serious illness? (She rattled off several).
I said, "No. No. No. Yes, I had osteoporosis. But I don't have that now." You could hear how stunned she was as she involuntarily said, "How'd you get rid of it?" I told her about Reliv.
To my limited knowledge, these were odd questions:
Question: Have you recently lost a lot of weight?
Answer: No. I've lost some, but not a lot.
(Update: I asked the surgeon’s nurse, Evie, why this question was asked. Was it solely because when a person finds out they've been diagnosed with cancer, they begin to worry and that the resulting weight loss is not good for their immune system / attitude? Or is there actually something to cancer that it causes you to lose a lot of weight?
Evie said, "A little of both. Losing a lot of weight without trying is one of the seven danger signs of cancer." I’ve since learned that doctors look for a rapid weight loss of 7 pounds or more, that is, if you haven’t been trying to lose weight.
Question: Have you had any x-rays taken in the last 6 months?
Answer: I had x-rays taken in January prior to having a tooth capped, a bone density test, x-rays after an accident, and a mammogram.
I asked why this question was asked. Her response was: "You are asked that just because we want to know if you've had any mammograms done at any other facility other than St. Alphonsus. If so, they might give us more or better information." I didn't point out to her that that wasn't exactly her question. “Have you had any x-rays taken? is different from “Have you had any mammograms taken recently?”)
Note:
”A summer 2000 study... looked at data collected over 40 years.. of women with scoliosis who received many diagnostic x-rays during childhood and adolescence. (They had a) 70% higher risk of breast cancer than women in the general population. The more x-rays a woman was exposed to, and the higher the dose of radiation, the greater her risk of breast cancer. Although the dose of radiation in a typical x-ray is now much lower than it was when these women were being x0-rayed, the point is still valid: Radiation is a potent risk factor for breast cancer; its effect is cumulative and mammography involves forcefully squashing the breast and then shooting radiation through it." Source: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer, by Dr. John R. Lee, M.D., p.11:
Question: At what age did you first start menstruating? When was your first child born? How many pregnancies?
Answer: 11. 19. 2.
Question: Are you allergic to plastic?
Answer: Not that I know of. Her question did call to mind the years I worked in a plastics factory when a teenager. Did this environment 'encourage' cancer?
Question: Have you ever suffered any physical abuse?
Answer: Yes, but that was over 30 years ago and not an issue with me anymore.
Her question raised a question in my mind: If conventional medicine doesn't believe that healing is could be a matter of 'mind over matter,' why do they ask such questions? Or, taking the opposite point of view: How could they believe on the one hand that it could possibly be and on the other, discount such a recovery course to a patient because it hasn't been 'scientifically proven'?
Question: Have you ever smoked? How long ago? For how long? How much a day?
Answer: Yes. I quit 33 years ago. I smoked previously to that for 7 years, a pack a day.
Do educators use this kind of information - that it can still effect your body long, long, long after you've quit! - when warning teens against smoking?
Question: What is the best way you learn? By sight or by hearing?
Answer: By sight.
At the end of the interview, she proceeded to give me a detailed description of how to get to the hospital building the morning of the 17th. I stopped her half-way and said, "Please tell my husband all this. Remember I learn best by sight, not by hearing?" She said, "Oh, yeah." Rex took the phone and understood all she described. Pretty funny!)
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
March 9, 2006: Thursday - Talking to a Breast Cancer Survivor
I talked today with my neighbor, Jerry, a breast cancer survivor,. HE had cancer two and a half years ago. He had a mastectomy on one side and a year later, had an elective mastectomy on the other side. He had chemotherapy first and then radiation. The chemotherapy was bad; the radiation was OK. He's now on tamoxifen. No side effects except he has trouble losing weight.
The other is a cousin I’ll call Donna. She lives in a small town about 4 hours from us. Donna is 62. She had a mammogram and a lump was found. She followed her doctor's advice without question. He advised her that because she was small-breasted to begin with, it was better to have a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy. He said that by the time the lump was removed, she'd not have much breast left anyway. Donna also did not want radiation - no way, no how! (She said.) Having a mastectomy takes care of that. There's nothing to radiate after the breast is gone so ... no radiation. She didn't have to have chemotherapy because the cancer wasn't in the lymph nodes. She is now on tamoxifen for 5 years. That was about two weeks ago. She's feeling good and going back to work soon.
I listened and asked questions but did not make any comments. I was seething inside. Her cancer was not much bigger than mine (Stage 1 - no chemotherapy. Her tumor is 1.7 cm.; mine is 1.3 cm.). She’s also a bigger person that I am. I couldn’t believe that her doctor advised taking the whole breast! It all happened so fast: one week from the time of the lump's discovery to the mastectomy. All I could think was, Butcher!
I received get-well cards from two friends today. The 'angel' who called me today was my brother, Chuck. We had a very nice chat. It was so sweet of him to call.
Also, my friend Karen came over and gave me a quick lesson on how to do yoga. (At least one research scientist believes poorly oxygenated cells are a contributing cause of cancer.) So, I’ll give it a try…. Karen was sweet. She said that she'd tried to put herself in my shoes and the 'what-ifs' were overwhelming. Her voice caught when she said that. I knew then that she did really understand at least in part. Few there are that can genuinely empathize. She is one.
The other is a cousin I’ll call Donna. She lives in a small town about 4 hours from us. Donna is 62. She had a mammogram and a lump was found. She followed her doctor's advice without question. He advised her that because she was small-breasted to begin with, it was better to have a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy. He said that by the time the lump was removed, she'd not have much breast left anyway. Donna also did not want radiation - no way, no how! (She said.) Having a mastectomy takes care of that. There's nothing to radiate after the breast is gone so ... no radiation. She didn't have to have chemotherapy because the cancer wasn't in the lymph nodes. She is now on tamoxifen for 5 years. That was about two weeks ago. She's feeling good and going back to work soon.
I listened and asked questions but did not make any comments. I was seething inside. Her cancer was not much bigger than mine (Stage 1 - no chemotherapy. Her tumor is 1.7 cm.; mine is 1.3 cm.). She’s also a bigger person that I am. I couldn’t believe that her doctor advised taking the whole breast! It all happened so fast: one week from the time of the lump's discovery to the mastectomy. All I could think was, Butcher!
I received get-well cards from two friends today. The 'angel' who called me today was my brother, Chuck. We had a very nice chat. It was so sweet of him to call.
Also, my friend Karen came over and gave me a quick lesson on how to do yoga. (At least one research scientist believes poorly oxygenated cells are a contributing cause of cancer.) So, I’ll give it a try…. Karen was sweet. She said that she'd tried to put herself in my shoes and the 'what-ifs' were overwhelming. Her voice caught when she said that. I knew then that she did really understand at least in part. Few there are that can genuinely empathize. She is one.
March 8, 2006: Wednesday - Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself
I took a mind 'journey' on Tuesday designed to heal, from an emotional / psychological standpoint, the reason the cancer started or became activated. The techniques involved use visualization as a healing agent. It began with the observation and question: The cancer is literally right over my heart. Is it 'protecting' my heart from something and if so, what? The answer that came into my mind was ‘love hurts.’ That’s what my background taught me about love. Over the years, the emotions became manifested in the physical form of cancer.
The 'journey' continued and helped me re-define what love truly is: a combination of peace, harmony, and beauty. I said in my heart, "I will feel Heavenly Father's infinite love for all his creations.” My heart asked, “Why is it that He created us?” and the spirit answered, “To give expression to the pure love he has - for himself.” Think about that for a moment! In the Bible, the second of two great commandments given us is to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. (Lev. 19:18 & Matt. 22:39)
My friend, Anna, gave me a few 'get well' gifts yesterday. (Rex brought them back up with him.) One was a bag of dark chocolate Hershey candy kisses! Another was a book titled, "Draw Near Unto Me" - Daily Reflections on the Doctrine and Covenants. When I took this book in my hands, I felt a very strong, loving spirit accompany it.
A third 'gift' from Anna was a personal note. She'd been reading in the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 42 and had come to verses 48–53. These ‘spoke’ so loudly to her, she just had to write. In particular, verse 48: It shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed. Anna wrote, 'That's you, Pat! You have the faith to be healed!" Additionally, verse 53 reads: Thou shalt stand in the place of thy stewardship. Anna said, "That's the work that you do, Pat! No one else is doing what you do. You are needed!"
I thank the Lord for such good, loving friends... As if to confirm Anna’s inspired statements, we received several orders for northern New York genealogical publications. This was unusual in that I had not advertised these works at all for the past month.
The 'journey' continued and helped me re-define what love truly is: a combination of peace, harmony, and beauty. I said in my heart, "I will feel Heavenly Father's infinite love for all his creations.” My heart asked, “Why is it that He created us?” and the spirit answered, “To give expression to the pure love he has - for himself.” Think about that for a moment! In the Bible, the second of two great commandments given us is to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. (Lev. 19:18 & Matt. 22:39)
My friend, Anna, gave me a few 'get well' gifts yesterday. (Rex brought them back up with him.) One was a bag of dark chocolate Hershey candy kisses! Another was a book titled, "Draw Near Unto Me" - Daily Reflections on the Doctrine and Covenants. When I took this book in my hands, I felt a very strong, loving spirit accompany it.
A third 'gift' from Anna was a personal note. She'd been reading in the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 42 and had come to verses 48–53. These ‘spoke’ so loudly to her, she just had to write. In particular, verse 48: It shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed. Anna wrote, 'That's you, Pat! You have the faith to be healed!" Additionally, verse 53 reads: Thou shalt stand in the place of thy stewardship. Anna said, "That's the work that you do, Pat! No one else is doing what you do. You are needed!"
I thank the Lord for such good, loving friends... As if to confirm Anna’s inspired statements, we received several orders for northern New York genealogical publications. This was unusual in that I had not advertised these works at all for the past month.
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