Breast Cancer - Be ProActive in Working with Your Doctor to Effect the Best Results

May 4: Thursday: Excessive Testosterone

2008-02-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

Sources:
----Excerpted from Time for Health - Your Menopause Type: Testosterone www.time4health.com
----www.johnsondrugs.com/docs/MENOPAUSE3
----www.Diagnose-Me

Testosterone is a male hormone that is usually linked to male sexuality. What you may not know is that it is made in the ovaries of women and in the adrenal glands of both men and women. Besides its reproductive function, it has a direct affect on blood sugar levels, the nervous system, the cardiovascular system, the skeletal system, and other tissues.

Normal testosterone levels are critical for the prevention of depression and osteoporosis. Symptoms and indicators of high female testosterone levels are a hard-driving personality (type A), adult acne, male pattern hair loss/ baldness, and excess perspiration. Conditions that suggest high female testosterone levels: malignant breast cancer tumors, ovarian cancer, PCOS, heart disease, and diabetes.

Normal levels of testosterone directly stimulates bone growth, mineralization and repair of damaged bone. Excessive testosterone results in osteoporosis.

Excessive testosterone can cause vaginal atrophy as well as inflammation. The risk here is yeast infections and endometrial cancer.

Normal levels of testosterone have a relaxing effect on coronary arteries. Excessive testosterone increases the risk of heart disease.

Menopause in women is usually when the troubles start. The average age of menopause in Western societies today is 51 years. When a complete cessation of menses has stopped for one year, the menopausal transition can be said to have occurred. Premature menopause occurs before age 40 and is often a result of a genetic condition or autoimmune disorder. There is also surgical menopause (hysterectomy) or chemotherapy induced menopause.

For menopausal women who have high testosterone, these changes in diet are recommended:

Eliminate: (blog's author: all the good stuff!)
----Sugar, candy, soda. Luncheon meats.
----Alcohol, caffeine, and carbonated beverages.
----White flour, bread.
----Artificial sweeteners.
----Pork. Margarine and Canola oil.

Consume:
----Organic fresh fruits, vegetables and meats. Raw fruits and vegetables. Adequate amounts of fiber. Whole grains (bulgar, brown rice, bran, oats.)
----Stevia for sweetening.
----Foods high in phytoestrogens (green vegies).
----Apples. Nuts. Olive oil, coconut and rice bran oils for cooking.
----Drink a log of water - 1/2 of one's weight in ounces daily. Butter. Soy. (Reliv!) Celery.
----Skinless turkey and cold-water fish.

Lifestyle changes:
----Limit stress and obtain adequate rest, regular exercise. Massage therapy, aromatherapy, yoga.
----Drink good quality filtered water only. Avoid exposure to chemicals as they promote free radical activity and burden the immune system.
----Use stainless steel or glass cookware. Not aluminum.
----Use supplements to support the immune system if immune system issues are present.

Suggested lab testing:
----Hair metal mineral analysis. Adrenal Stress Index. Female Hormone Panel. (Saliva test!)

May 4: Thursday: Adrenal Fatigue

2008-02-01T08:09:00.000-08:00

Sources:
----Excerpted mainly from Adrenal fatigue - the effects of stress and high cortisol at Women to Women, www.WomenToWwomen.com:
----Some interwoven excerpts are from: Adrenal Hormone Imbalance - A Signal of Deeper Stress by Kurt N. Woeller, D.O. as found at www.stillpointhealth.com/Adrenals

The effects of adrenal dysfunction can be profound: fatigue and weakness, suppression of the immune system, muscle and bone loss, moodiness or depression, hormonal imbalance, skin problems, autoimmune disorders and dozens of other symptoms. Severe adrenal fatigue is a direct factor in the acquiring of diseases such as osteoporosis, heart disease, and cancer. The good news is that adrenal fatigue can almost always be relieved.

How do you know if you have adrenal fatigue? If you feel happy and well, have steady energy and emotions, sleep soundly seven to nine hours a night, wake up feeling rested, recover well from stress and maintain a healthy weight without dieting, than your adrenals are probably doing well. (Author’s note: If the foregoing describes you, you are probably not over 40 yet!) On the other hand, if your energy lags during the day, you feel emotionally unbalanced much of the time, you sleep poorly or less than seven hours a night, can't lose excess weight even while dieting, use caffeine or carbs as 'pcik-me-ups' - these are all red flags indicating adrenal insufficiency.

The adrenals are walnut-sized glands located on top of each kidney and are the control center for many of the body's hormones. The outer layer of the gland, produces hormones including cortisol, DHEA, estrogen and testosterone. The centers of the glands produce adreneline. The basic task of your adrenal glands is to rush all your body's resources into 'fight or flight' mode by increasing production of adrenaline (epinephrine, norepinephrine) and cortisol. They also regulate sodium and potassium absorption and distribution through the kidneys, which has an effect on electrolyte balance and blood pressure. When you are healthy and your body has an instantaneous need to produce adrenaline, your adrenals increase your heart rate and blood pressure, releasing energy and sharpening your senses. This is the stress response. The catch is, it wasn't designed to last very long.

In our world today, we're constantly over-worked, under-nourished, exposed to environmental toxins, and worrying about other - with no let up. The list of challenges is endless: lack of sleep, a demanding boss, the threat of losing your job, financial pressures, personality conflicts, yo-yo dieting, relationship turmoil, death or illness of a loved one, skipping meals, reliance on stimulants like caffeine and carbs, digestive problems, over-exercise, illness or infection, unresolved emotional issues from our past or present and more. The result is our adrenal glands are constantly on high alert: too much adrenaline; too much cortisol.
Cortisol, like adrenaline, helps us meet these challenges by converting proteins into energy, releasing glycogen, and counteracting inflammation. For a short time, that's ok but at sustained levels, cortisol gradually tears your body down. Sustained high cortisol levels destroy healthy muscle and bone, slow down healing, impair digestion, metabolism and mental function, and weaken your immune system. Adrenal fatigue may be a factor in many related conditions that include fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, chronic fatigue syndrome, arthritis, premature menopause and others.

When the adrenals are chronically overworked and straining to maintain high cortisol levels, they lose the capacity to produce DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone) in sufficient amounts. This hormone is a precursor to estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. (See my chart, "Steroid Hormone Cascade.") It is necessary to moderate the balance of hormones in your body. Insufficient DHEA contributes to fatigue, bone loss, loss of muscle mass, depression, aching joints, decreased sex drive, and impaired immune function.

The ratio of DHEA to cortisol should be approximately 5:1. Deviations from this range could indicate poor blood sugar control, digestive inflammation, chronic infections, poor diet and environmental toxins. Adrenal imbalance examples can also be: irregular menses, PMS, and infertility. The reason for these problems is lack of adequate sex hormone production (i.e. estrogen, testosterone, progesterone) due to the need to keep up with the increased demand of adrenal hormones.

Conventional medicine treats early-stage symptoms rather than their underlying causes. This can have the effect of delaying treatment until a disease state has developed. In the conventional standard of care, any cortisol level within a very broad range is considered normal. Anything outside of that indicates disease. Measuring cortisol via saliva tests several times during the day tells the story. Ideally, it's elevated in the morning to help you get going, lower but steady throughout the day to sustain energy, and then falls in the evening to support restful sleep.

In the early stages of adrenal dysfunction, levels are too high during the day and continue rising in the evening. This is called "hyperadrenia." In the middle stages, cortisol may rise and fall unevenly as the body struggles to balance itself despite the disruptions of caffeine, carbs and other factors, but levels are not normal and typically too high at night. In advanced stages, when the adrenals are exhausted from overwork, cortisol will never reach normal levels. This is called "hypoadrenia." Eventaully, the stimulus on our adrenal gland for stress hormone production is so great that our adrenal gland begins to weaken. Among the wide variety of symptoms of adrenal gland dysfunction are osteoporosis, heart disease and cancer.

It's important to emphasize the role of emotional factors. Guilt, pain from past hurts, self-destructive habits, unresolved relationship problems. Your past and present emotional experience may serve as an ever-present stressor. Dealing with these problems directly is much more beneficial than trying to compensate for the stress they create.

Women with moderate symptoms can see improvement through dietary changes and stress reduction. More severe symptoms usually need greater intervention.

May 4: Thursday - More Research

2008-01-31T08:29:00.000-08:00

Took a walk early this morning and ran into some neighbors. When they asked how I was doing (they know the circumstances), I broke down. I said that physically, on the outside, I am doing just great! Pyschologically, I can't seem to believe that the medical test results tell such a different story on the inside. It's all a bit confusing, emotionally speaking. They comforted me saying not to drive myself crazy looking for answers as to why I came up with cancer and that someday I will return to the activities I love so much but for now I must rest. They know somewhat of what they speak for they lost a daughter to pancreatic cancer just 3 years ago. They solace meant much to me and had the ring of truth yet I know that I will continue, at least, to pursue my research in a search for answers.

My focus today was two-pronged: research and planning. As for researching, thank goodness for the internet! Thank goodness for search engines! What little I read while browsing the net was frightening and hopeful. Without a doubt, high testosterone is a marker for (breast) cancer. The adrenal gland's function plays right into it as well. I found websites that suggested foods to eat and vitamins to take. Melatonin came up more than once. It helps the body relax for sleep. I remembered the handouts that my BHRT gave me. Melatonin was one of the substances. My general rule of thumb is that if some piece of information pops up more than once from two entirely different sources, I take that seriously as a probable direction to follow in my total Health Recovery Plan.

I found a couple more great websites. (See following pages.) It's all fascinating stuff! At Diagnose-Me.com, I found an invaluable tool. They offer:

"Knowing how difficult it is to weed out misinformation and piece together countless facts in order to see the 'big picture,' we now provide simple online access to The Analyst. Used by doctors and patients alike, The Analyst is a computerized diagnostic tool that sits on a vast accumulation of knowledge and research. By combining thousands of connections between signs, symptoms, risk factors, conditions and treatments, The Analyst will help to build an accurate picture of your current health status, the risks you are running and courses of action (including appropriate lab testing) that should be considered."

Diagnose-Me.com cautions:

Please note that it is extremely important to obtain an accurate diagnosis before trying to find a cure. Many diseases and conditions share common symptoms. If you treat yourself for the wrong illness or a specific symptom of a complex disease, you may delay legitimate treatment of a serious underlying problem. In other words, the greatest danger in self-treatment may be self-diagnosis. If you do not know what you really have, you cannot treat it!

May 3: Wednesday - "Interrupted Season"

2008-01-31T08:20:00.000-08:00

What is the difference between a 'high energy' person and a 'highly stressed' person? I cannot see myself slowing down much; neither does Rex. He doesn't see me as highly stressed or high strung and doubts / questions the saliva test results. However, our daughter Lisa put it most succinctly: “Mom, you don't know how to slow down enough to stop once in a while and 'smell the roses.'

Most of this day, I spent in a quiet mood, full of a silent fury, vacillating between depression and futility. Just when I'm doing good to mentally prepare myself for the six-week separation from my idyllic mountain home, another worry of seemingly huge proportion comes along. Just once, I wish the surprise from a medical test would be good news!

While Rex went to a meeting tonight, I began to read, "Living Through Breast Cancer." My neighbor, Jerry Winkle, had given me this book some time ago. It kept 'calling' to me so I thought reading what this Harvard doctor had to say about radiation would be helpful. (This is in preparation for the Radiation Class that Rex and I will be attending on Thursday, May 5th.)

I really like her style; it's hard to put the book down. This doctor who was also a breast cancer surgeon went through breast cancer herself in 2005... I thought that if I ever were to write a book about my personal experience, I would call it, "Interrupted Season."

May 2: Tuesday – Adrenal Fatigue Protocol

2008-01-31T08:01:00.000-08:00

On a visit with my BHRT, she gave me a handout concerning adrenal fatigue and how to overcome it:

Adrenal Fatigue Protocol

The adrenals are two glands that sit on top of each kidney. Cumulative stress (emotional, financial, jobs, kids, trauma, illness, etc.) over many years causes adrenal fatigue. This program is designed to help your adrenal glands repair and function better which in turn will give you more energy and should help with weight loss, libido and general well being.

It can take 6 months to 2 years for adrenals to fully recover. You may feel better in a few days or weeks. However, judicious effort on your part is needed for the adrenals to fully 'recharge' and recover from stress. It is essential to modify your lifestyle to reduce stress to help the adrenals recover. Taking short breaks from herbs will keep your body sensitized to them. Use herbs for 2-3 months and then take a 1 week break.

1) Take a good multivitamin. (She agreed that Reliv fits that category.)
2) Exercise 30 minutes of walking 5 days per week. Don't over exercise.
3) Rest. The best time for sleep when you have adrenal fatigue is between 7 - 9 AM
----Sleep in whenever possible. Take short naps if you are able.
4) Cortico B5 B6. Supports healthy adrenal hormone production and regulation.
----Important for cellular energy. Take morning and afternoon.
OR - Vitamin B5 (pantothenic acid) 500 mg & Vitamin B6 (pyridoxine) 100 mg
5) Rhodiola. Maximizes energy, fights the effects of stress and aging, aids memory and concentration, eases anxiety and depression, helps balance hormones, improves sexual function, enhances physical performance and helps metabolize fat.
----Caution with manic depression as it may exacerbate mania. Take morning and afternoon.
6) Vitamin C with bioflavinoids (2:1 ratio) 1000-3000 mg 3 times a day. Take morning, noon and evening.
----Vitamin C is water soluble and nontoxic. Reduce dose by 500 mg if diarrhea occurs. Vitamin C increases adrenal function and also stimulates the immune system and is the most important vitamin for the adrenals.
----When your body adapts to a high dose of vitamin C, you can have symptoms of scurvy if you reduce too fast.
----When you taper off adrenal protocol, reduce by 500 mg every 2-3 days to avoid problems.
7) Seriphos (phosphorylated serine). 100 mg 2-4 times a day. For me, take morning and afternoon.
----This is a phospholipid and amino acid complex. It is one of the key building blocks in your brain and is present in all cells in your body. It reduces the stress hormone cortisol and helps to improve learning, concentration and work skills.
----Used to reduce anxiety, depression and stress. There are no known side effects.

Recommended reading: "Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome" by James Wilson or visit the website, www.adrenalfatigue.org

May 2: Tuesday - Saliva Test Results

2008-01-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

Hormone Test / In Range / Out of Range / Units pg:ml / Range
Estradiol (saliva) / Out of Range: 1.7 High / Normal Range: 1.0-1.5 post-menopausal
Progesterone (saliva) / Out of Range: 128 high / Normal Range: 25-100 postmenopausal
Ratio: Pg/E2 / In Range: 75 / Normal Range: 50 - 200 optimal /
---- Progesterone therapy: 200-1000
Estriol (saliva) / In Range: 3.4 / Normal Range: 3-7 pre-& postmenopausal
Estrone (saliva) / In Range: 4.8 / Normal Range: 2-10 pre-& postmenopausal
Testosterone (saliva) / Out of Range: 255 high / Normal Range: 20 - 50
DHEAS (saliva) / Out of Range: < 2.5 low / Normal Range: 3-10
Cortisol (morning saliva) / Out of Range: 11.4 high / Normal Range: 3-8

The report also made these comments:

Estradiol is higher than expected for a postmenopausal woman not using estrogen replacement therapy (ERT).

Endogenous estrogen production (via ovaries, adrenals) aromatization (conversion) of androgens (testosterone and/or DHEAS) into estrogens in adipose tissue... likely contribute to higher estradiol. If symptoms of estrogen dominance are problematic (such as breast cancer?), it would be worthwhile to consider lowering estrogens by supplementing with natural progesterone, herbs, high fiber diet, and/or nutritional supplements such as cruciferous vegetable extracts that help accelerate estrogen clearance.

High testosterone and low DHEAS is an unusual profile that is usually caused either by testosterone supplementation (none indicated) or excess conversion of DHEAS to testosterone (via enzymes that commonly are elevated with inflammatory conditions.) (Author's note: I had serious kidney inflammation 6 months before being diagnosed with breast cancer.) Chronic exposure to high levels of testosterone or other androgens is usually associated with symptoms such as loss of scalp hair, increased facial/body hair, and acne. If these symptoms are not apparent, then the high testosterone is likely due to an acute testosterone exposure (either from supplementation or exposure to a partner using topical testosterone) or co-exposure to other hormones such as high cortisol which blocks the side effects high testosterone at the cellular level.

Cortisol is higher than the expected range in the morning. This likely contributes to bone loss, which is self-reported as moderate/severe. High cortisol is usually caused by some form of adrenal gland stressor, the most common of which include: mental/emotional stress, physical insults 9i.e. pain, diseases), chemical exposure (environmental pollutants, excessive medications) and blood sugar imbalance. Acute situational stressors (work or poor dietary choices) can also raise cortisol levels, which is a normal response to the stressor.

High cortisol production is known to contribute to accelerated bone loss. Because a high cortisol is strongly associated with bone loss, means to lower cortisol should be considered. In addition, consider more extensive cortisol testing throughout the day to assess overall adrenal function and cortisol output. For additional information about stragegies for supporting adrenal health and reducing stressors that raise cortisol levels, the following books are worth reading:

"Adrenal Fatigue" by James L. Wilso, N.D., D.C., Ph.D
"The Cortisol Connection: by Shawn Talbott, Ph.D
"The End of Stress As We Know It" by Bruce McEwen
"Awakening Athena" by Kenna Stephenson, MD.

May 2: Tuesday - Lymphedema

2008-01-29T10:59:00.000-08:00

"Living Through Breast Cancer," by Dr. Carolyn M. Kaelin. She was (is?) Director of the Comprehensive Breast Health Center at Brigham and Women's Hospital. This is one of one of Harvard Medical School's main teaching hospitals. She has been a breast cancer surgeon and as of 2005, a breast cancer patient as well.

Dr. Kaelin's 350-page book is just great. It is most comprehensive. While it is written from a conventional medicine standpoint, it does mention complementary practices occasionally. ("Vitamin E may help scarring; one study found black cohosh to be somewhat effective in treating hot flashes....") She includes information in her book that I've not read anywhere else in all my research to date. (“A growing number of research trials show that... exercising may help improve long-term survival (and) decrease the chance of breast cancer relapse...”)

This is how she explains lymphedema:

"Lymph vessels carry lymph, a protein-rich fluid containing water, fat, bacteria, and fragments of old blood cells from the arm to larger channels in the underarm and ultimately, to the main circulatory system. When surgery or radiation alters these channels, there may not be enough remaining channels to drain all the lymph fluid from the arm. Those remaining around the shoulder will dilate due to increased lymphatic pressure as they take over the work of those channels lost to surgery. Sometimes, this doesn't work well. Fluid then backs up and accumulates in the arm.

The result is lymphedema, a swelling of the arm and hand that affects 10 to 25 percent of women after an axiliary dissection. It rangers from barely noticeable to a very obvious, uncomfortable enlargement that may disable the arm. Lymphedema may appear soon after breast surgery or even months or years later. While it can be short-lived, more commonly it is a permanent condition that may wax and wane somewhat. Repeated, severe episodes during which swelling overwhelms the arm and hand may cause tissue inflammation, produce rough, leathery, thickened skin, and harden underlying fat tissue. The greater the number of lymph nodes excised and underarm radiation therapy given, the greater the risk of lymphedema. (p. 70-71)

Typically, the risk of lymphedema is minimal after sentinel node biopsy so most surgeons do not suggest restricting the use of the arm.... If you have had an axillary dissection, the following steps may help prevent lymphedema:

Stretching and strengthening exercises are important after breast cancer surgery** but must be done especially judiciously... vigorous exercise and arm movements that increase blood flow and lymph production may overwhelm remaining lymph channels, creating fluid backup and starting the lymphedema cycle... Wear a full arm and hand compression sleeve during arm strength training, exercises where the arm is used in a repetitive movement (such as swimming, rowing or racket sports), or more rigorous physical activities that may place stress on the arm such as raking leaves or scrubbing a large floor.

Avoid having blood drawn or an IV or injections in that arm. Use the unaffected arm for blood pressure measurements. (p.71)

Wearing a bra that fits well is essential for comfort and may even help ward off lymphedema. A bra that is too tight or one that has narrow shoulder straps can obstruct the flow of lymph fluid along the remaining channels, potentially triggering troublesome swelling... (p. 143)

Shaving underarms with a razor should be avoided, particularly if you have lost sensation there due to surgery or radiation. An altered underarm lymphatic network combined with nicks and cuts may make lymphedema more likely. Consider using an electric razor." (p. 219)

** Update: To my regret, I didn't remember this advice. It was a month after radiation treatments finished - not after the surgery! - I began to feel a tightening in the muscles under my left arm. Though I began to stretch and exercise them then, I never did gain back the full range of mobility I once had.

May 2: Tuesday – Visit with Debbie, my BioIdentical Hormone Replacement Therapist (BHRT)

2008-01-29T10:17:00.000-08:00

Rex and I took a cholesterol test at Central District Health Center early this morning. At the CDHC, our blood pressure is taken before blood is drawn. The pleasant, little old nurse, Ruth, greeted us and prepared to take my blood pressure by slipping the cup up my left arm as usual. Without explaining, I gently switched it to my right arm. (No questions were asked.) The reason I did this is because the lymph node(s) removal during breast cancer surgery necessitates caution ever afterward re: the drawing blood or blood pressure readings. It may put undue stress and cause lymphedema. (See next entry for details of why.)

I was pleased that my blood pressure: was only 96/60. That's the lowest it's ever been! I thought that a good sign until I talked with Debbie and found out that low blood pressure is a not-so-good sign of adrenal gland fatigue.

My BHRT was anxious to see me. About the first words Debbie said were, "Your saliva test results came in. I don't think that I can treat you. The results show excessively high testosterone and a negative level for DHEAS. I've never dealt with that; it's out of my expertise and frankly, I don't have the time to research it for you. But here's where we are and here's what information I did collect for you."

She presented me with the results of my saliva test plus graphs she’d collected from a BHRT symposium in Salt Lake City in Sept. 2005: "The Hormone Link to Breast Cancer and Prevention Strategies" presented by David Zava, Ph.D. of the ZRT Laboratory in Beaverton, OR. These graphs charted hormone structure as they, the hormones, relate to adrenal fatigue and breast cancer initiation.

Debbie explained as best she could in the space of our appointment time some of the logistics of having breast cancer and what is needed to combat it with particular emphasis on reducing it where it initiates. The graphs (slides) were schematics of
---- Slide 1) how hormones are made
---- Slide 2) how hormones (human and from toxins) work together to produce PCOS and ovarian dysfunction, Insulin resistance (precursor to diabetes), and immune system dysfunction (precursor to breast cancer, etc.)
---- Slide 3) how the 3 estrogens work together, sometimes to our detriment.

The first slide was fairly understandable as a lot of the terms were familiar to me from my recent research.
The second slide was all ‘greek’ to me. Some terms were familiar but this one will be have to be studied in depth!
The third slide she showed me, she suggested I research COMT and SAMe. You'll see how they cascade down to cancer.

Although Debbie couldn't confidently advise me in relation to excessive testosterone + low DHEAS, she did give me several handouts she'd run off of the internet website, "Natural Medicines" (Naturaldatabase.com) re: herbs, etc. that could possibly help:

Melatonin People Use This For: (among other things; a long list) chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, osteoporosis, breast cancer, help with certain types of chemotherapy-related side effects, and for birth control.

Turmeric People Use This For: (among other things; a shorter list) colds, cancer, kidney inflammation, infected wounds.

Bromelain People Use This For: (among other things; a short list) inhibition of blood platelet aggregation, cancer, burn debridement, anti-inflammatory action, smooth muscle relaxation.

Indole-3-Carbinol People Use This For: (among other things; a very short list) fibromyalgia, systemic lupus erythematosus, detoxifies the intestines and liver, supports the immune system.

Selenium People Use This For: (among other things; a short list) AIDS, cardiovascular disease, macular degeneration, infertility, gray hair, certain types of cancer.

Green Tea Possibly Effective For: (among other things) preventing breast cancer, decreasing high levels of fat in the blood, preventing high blood pressure.

As far as the results for estradiol and progesterone, she suggested using a recommended progesterone cream (1 teaspoon a day, 20-30 mg), 27 days a month.

For the elevated cortisol levels, she recommended an Adrenal Fatigue Protocol to bring down the stress levels. (See my entry: "May 2: Adrenal Fatigue Protocol")

In the end, we agreed that another saliva test would be taken in two months after radiation therapy had been completed.

May 1: Monday: - For Better, Not Worse; In Sickness and In Health

2008-01-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I determined to resume the attitude that I began this 'season' with - to see it as a blessing from the first, last and during. The motto I adopted was For Better, Not Worse. I shall view my overall well-being (psychological, spiritual, emotional and physical) as improved for having weathered this whole experience. Some days, that is easier said than done.

Rex and I had previously discussed what kind of accommodations I'd have while staying in Boise for treatment. My choice was to have a small, studio apartment. (The hospital provided us with a list of participating hotels as it subsidizes some of the cost, thank goodness.) We checked out the apartment complex and eventually reserved one for later in the month when radiation treatment will begin. It has the bedroom on the second level with a small kitchen and adequate living area on the first. The apartment complex is set in an older part of Boise in a quiet, tranquil area about half a mile from the hospital. When ambitious, I'll be able to walk to treatments - if it's not too hot, being it's summer in the city!

My emotions ran high and close to the surface today. With the whole reality of cancer 'in my face' as it were, my heart was in my throat. Looked at from the least offensive view, it was a little like a child sent away from home to boarding school for a school semester. Looking at it from the worst, it was a little like being banished for contemporary medical reasons, only the dreaded disease of the day is cancer, not leprosy...

Thinking more positively, I mentally plan and prepare myself for the daytime but nighttime is another story. I don't sleep well without Rex. We’ve talked and I've asked him to drive down and be with me perhaps one or two days out of the five I need to be in treatment. I do this because as the apartment is a relatively small place, I can just imagine how stir-crazy he'd go without his projects to do! During the day, however, I know I'll be fine for I’ll take long walks, read a few good books, spend much time researching and writing on the computer, knit as I watch TV in the evening, go to the temple, lunch with friends, and/or visit grandchildren. When looked at from this 'side of the fence,' it will be a vacation!

April 27: Thursday: - Radiation Simulation

2008-01-29T09:22:00.000-08:00

This day, Rex & I traveled down to Boise. We'd been advised that the visit would be a long one with Rex in the waiting room as he would not be allowed in the Radiation Simulation room.

The radiation therapist that took me back to the room was a chirpy, energetic little thing full of jokes about the 'wonderful accommodations' re: the clothing (the non-descript, worn-out smocks) and the 'bed' (hard radiation table). I would have appreciated her good humor had this not been another impactful, psychological 'in your face' experience. It's not an easy thing to literally bare your chest to strangers when you've learned how sacred your body is, your 'temple' as we believe in my LDS faith. To make matters worse, however, it was at the end of the day and the attendants seemed rushed in getting through the procedures: not particularly gentle, slow or sensitive. When I asked questions, I got either partial answers or "I'll tell you when we're finished." I sincerely hoped that she would not be the radiation therapist that would attend me each day of treatment! (Update: She was not.)

Valuable information

Still, it was this therapist who gave me some valuable advice that I tucked away for 'when that time came.' She advised that when I go home treatment, take off both blouse and bra. Wear a loose T-shirt (sweatshirt) and sit in front of the air-conditioner for a while. This will help cool down the area and prevent sweating under the folds of skin below the breast which then in turn causes itching and worse. She suggested that an under-wire bra not be worn as this also irritates the sensitive skin under the breast.

Radiation Simulation

The large, oblong room is full of huge machines. The “2100” (which will treat me) is a gigantic radial arm shaped like a capital C. It holds a recessed x-ray panel on the inside of the arm. It can go over as well as under the hard, thin, black slab I'll be laying on today and every treatment days.

I'm already in a drab hospital gown, opened to the back. As I am instructed to lie on the table, the gown is slipped down to my waist. My neck is positioned in a 'neck rest' that is anything but comfortable and cushy. It is a hard, plexiglass mold designed to keep my neck from moving during the session. Even though it is not molded with a dip in the headpiece to turn even a fraction of an inch either to the left or right, I'm told to turn my face slightly to the right. (Uncomfortable.)

The table is raised to about 5 feet into the air. (On treatment days, this will allow the 2100's radial arm to pass underneath it and shoot x-rays from back to front.) I'm instructed to raise my arms above my head maybe six inches and flat on the table. I am to grip handles that are imbedded at the top of the table. My feet, likewise, are bound together at the toes to ensure steadiness. The only concession to comfort - and this is unintentional - is a pillow inserted under my knees so that my spine may remain flat to the table. The message is absolutely clear: DO NOT MOVE!

Each wall has a recessed 'light' out of which a thin red stream of light is beamed. (It reminds me of a garage door beam.) Where these four intersect is supposed to line up to a spot on my breast. As an additional measure to insure accuracy, a canister holding another red light from the ceiling is supposed to line up in the perfect center with the intersection of the first four. My skin is tattooed with four permanent dots to be a further guide to these red beams. I am told that they are permanent for the 'just in case' scenario of a breast cancer recurrence in the other breast. Hardly reassuring!

All kinds of measurements, photos of the perimeter of the breast (as outlined by colored markers on the skin) and x-rays (for information only) are taken for the purpose of planning the exact radiation 'fields' during treatment. (Think of your lawn sprinkler system and the areas that each zone covers.) That's what a 'field' is. Every 9th or 10th day, the fields will be changed slightly in order to avoid either hot or cold spots. A ‘hot spot’ is where the fields (think of your lawn sprinklers!) overlap. This can set you up to receive burns from the xray doses. A ‘cold spot’ is where the fields don't overlap. This can set up a small space that doesn't get the benefit of radiation. The danger is that possible cancer cells may be left untreated.

Four doses of radiation will be administered each treatment: right/top of breast; left/underside of affected breast (yes, through the table and everything); left/top of breast, right/underside of affected breast.

For a good 30 minutes or more, I'm on this table. Then I'm transferred to another to have a CT scan although I'm not really told why. (Incomplete explanation.) All I know is that the CT scan procedure will not be a regular part of treatment in any way or at any time.

After about 45 minutes, I'm through. Thank goodness!

April 16 - Meaningful Gifts

2008-01-25T06:48:00.000-08:00

Meaningful Gifts to Give Your Friend with Breast Cancer

If you can possibly at all visit with your relative or friend often, do so! When you can't, here's a few suggestions:

Above all else, a listening ear and a compassionate heart are the greatest gifts you can extend to a friend / loved one.
--- Sometimes we have an obsessive, incessant need to talk about what we're going through. Sometimes we just need to hear a friend's warm voice when our doubts and fears assail us. Sometimes we need a piece of information you might have via your experiences with healing from a spiritual, intellectual or physical challenge and we didn't know what it was until you called to talk with us. So, call whenever you feel the urge! Hearing your voice is a great comfort and blessing.

When you care enough to send the very best, send a (Hallmark) card, a plant or flowers. Cards can put into words sentiments that you've not been able to say or not known just how to phrase. And what woman doesn't love to receive flowers? Interestingly enough, I found that those who sent cards with a personal note were those who'd had breast cancer.

Give a gift that keeps on giving:
Buy a book, a music cd or send articles that inspired you during your 'hard times.' You know your friend. Would she/he appreciate an inspirational book? Would they benefit from an informative work?

A personal, hand-crafted gift will remind her of your enduring empathy for her challenge. My friends gave me:
--- Maureen gave me a wooden plaque that read:
--- Maureen also gave me a collection of her personally favorite inspiring songs, such as Cristofori's Dream, Chariots of Fire, Believe, and Life Means So Much.
--- Anna gave me a lap blanket made specifically of my favorite colors. This was to keep me wrapped in warmth and love when I felt the need for it.
--- Anna also fashioned a humorous card that read: "May the dove of peace find refuge in your heart and speak words of comfort (wrap your quilt around your shoulders) to your soul and whisper to your spirit what treasures your friendship is to me. Be of good courage, you are fighting a mighty battle but the Lord is on your side. (Joshua 1:9) Love, Anna" The words 'dove' and 'treasures' were 'punctuated' by actual pieces of chocolate candy of the same names!

Practical gifts:
--- Buy your friend a set of beautiful "Thank You" cards so that over time, she may send them out to people.
--- Sew a set of wash cloths made from soft flannel-type material. These can be used in washing sensitive areas that have been made even more sensitive due to radiation, etc. Later during treatment, they may be used for Domeboro soaks to affected radiation burn areas that have opened up (like a regular sunburn that blisters, etc.)

If you have suggestions to add to this list, please let me hear from you!

April 16 - Inside the Mind of a Cancer Victim

2008-01-25T06:18:00.000-08:00

The 'word' about my condition has begun to spread throughout our small community. (Inevitable and to be expected.) People have made what they believe are encouraging, comforting, caring remarks. They want to 'connect.' Their remarks often have the opposite effect because they've not walked a similar path. Simply put, they are not familiar with the frame of mind a new cancer patient has because they've not 'been there or done that.' As one neighbor who'd gone through a double mastectomy more than twenty years ago put it: "When the doctor would tell me I had an 80% chance of making it through this, my mind would reverse that information. I'd think immediately, 'I've got a 20% chance of dying.’ People diagnosed with cancer also instantly recall all the people they've known who have lost their lives to this disease, sometimes even a close relative such as a parent, sibling, aunt/uncle, grandparent. In their mind, it's as if they themselves have suddenly placed on 'death row.'

Put yourself in their (my) place as you hear these typical remarks:

"I know what it can be like. My girlfriend's mother just went through breast cancer - twice. It was awful. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you." (As your face goes white, you inwardly think, "Thanks! I really needed to hear right now!")

"There was a woman at work who just went through that. Had chemotherapy, radiation and the whole bit. She was incredible! She never missed a day of work." (Your heart sinks within you because you're just plain frightened of the future. It’s unknown right now. It looms like a monstrous lot of time, effort and energy to overcome it and even then you have no guarantee. So you think, "That does sound incredible! I don't know if I can possibly measure up to that. I don't know if I would even want to try. Doesn’t that sound cowardly?? Gee, I really wonder if I will make it after all.")

"Oh! You caught your cancer early! That's great because this type of cancer is one of the most curable." (Their voice carries the same level of conviction – and comfort - as if they were talking about a gall bladder operation or an appendix having been taken out! You restrain the urge to lash out and say, “You have absolutely no clue how devastating this thing is." )

"I know somebody who just went through radiation. He sailed right through it. He was able to drive himself down to treatment - a 2 hour drive each way - every day." (You're thinking, "I wonder if she has the whole story? That just sounds (ridiculously) crazy for a prostate patient to be driving 4 hours a day.")

So what would one say?
Try this: "I'd be devastated if I just got that news. Whenever you need to talk, just call." or "You must be devastated. What can I do to help at this time?"

More than anything else you could do, follow up with doing something. (See this blog’s next entry, "Meaningful Gifts.")

April 11: Tuesday - Saliva Test for Hormone Screening

2008-01-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

I chose the ZRT Laboratory in Beaverton, OR. It is a CLIA Certified hormone testing laboratory established in 1998. It is independently owned by David T. Zava, Ph. D., a biochemist and breast cancer researcher. Dr. Zava's name would be familiar to any who have read, "What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Breast Cancer." While Dr. John R. Lee, MD, is the principle author, Dr. Zava is the contributing. Much of this is information from ZRT's website, www.salivatest.com.

Why test saliva?

Hormones play a vital role in the maintenance of health. Knowledge of an imbalance can help illuminate causes of health problems and provide a rational basis for correcting the imbalance through diet, exercise, or hormone supplementation.

When glands manufacture hormones, they are transported into the bloodstream with proteins as their 'carriers.' (This is called being 'bound.' Think of hormones piggy-backing on proteins.) Only a small fraction of a given amount of hormone breaks loose from its carrier (1 - 5 %). When it does, it is free to enter target tissues such as the breast, uterus, brain, and skin. A free or unbound hormone is what is measured since it is active (or 'bioavailable). The amount of hormone that enters the saliva is representative of the fraction of steroids (steriods is another word for hormones) in the bloodstream that are bioavailable to other tissues in the body.

Your doctor may take blood tests to monitor your health. However, saliva hormone testing allows you to take more control over your own health. It may help you gain insight into health problems before you see your doctor. The advantages of testing saliva vs. blood serum are:

1. You can easily do it at home vs. having to have blood drawn at a doctor's office
2. It's less expensive and yes, it's covered by insurance (most of the time, all of the time?)
3. Saliva collection is exceptionally stable. Samples can be stored at room temps for a week without loss of activity. Blood, on the other hand, must be kept cool on ice packs, increasing costs and likelihood of error.

Depending on the specific hormones involved, certain symptoms or groups of symptoms are usually present when hormonal imbalance exists. For example, depression can be caused by an imbalance between estrogens and progesterone, low androgens like DHEA and testosterone, or high cortisol. (Genetics, dietary factors or other environmental factors may also cause this imbalance.) Accordingly, depression might be reversed by supplementation with appropriate hormones. Hormone testing can be used to guide this therapy. If hormone balance is restored but symptoms persist, then one has to look elsewhere for the cause.

The saliva test can help evaluate if estrogens are well balanced with progesterone. Too much estrogen, relative to progesterone, leads to excessive tissue proliferation (a precursor to the building of tumors). Saliva hormone testing can be vital for rational disease prevention and anti-aging programs. Testosterone in both sexes is important for the maintenance of cardiovascular and bone health (osteoporosis).
What the ZRT Laboratory's website has to offer

(This is me talking now.)

How do you know what kind of saliva testing you need done? After all, if you knew what hormones were out of whack in your body, you wouldn't have to have a saliva test done! The ZRT website presents 3 tests whereby you check off what your symptoms are. From that, you can order kits for individual hormones to be tested or a package of several hormones to be tested at the same time. (You fill one tube with saliva for the kit in all but one case.) Here's an example:

Check which of these symptoms are troublesome and persist overtime. Two or more symptoms are an indication that testing Cortisol ( C ) for adrenal imbalance is recommended:

Fatigue
Weight gain - waist
Decreased muscle mass
Thinning skin
Elevated triglycerides
Sleep disturbances
Anxious
Depression
Heart palpitations
Headaches
Decreased libido
Hair loss
Increased facial hair
Increased body hair
Increased joint pain
Acne
Sugar craving
Allergies
Chemical sensitivity
Stress
Cold body temperature
Aches and pains
Memory lapse
Irritable

A lot of those symptoms are indicative of imbalance of other hormones, etc. However, some are unique. For instance, in testing for the estrogen known as estradiol and the hormone progesterone, these questions also appear on the form:

Night sweats
Hot flashes
Tender breasts
Cystic ovaries
Water retention
Incontinence
Foggy thinking
Bone loss

My BHRT, Debbie P., had me fill out an extensive questionnaire and from that, ordered the Hormone Profile #1 test for me. It contains 5 tests for the hormones of the estradiol, progesterone, testosterone, DHEAs, and morning cortisol. An individual test of one hormone costs $30 (if you pay upfront; $45 if insurance company pays). Hormone Profile #1 costs $150.00. That gives you an idea of the expense.

BEFORE YOU DECIDE --

You can get more information by listening to taped messages (via phone)
or downloading a topic to your computer. There are 45 topics in the ZRT library. This is a 24 hour Hotline. The telephone number is 503-466-9166. Then select the topic you want to know more about. Here's a sampling:

627 All About Hormones
628 Menopause
631 What is Estrogen and Estrogen Dominance?
634 Progesterone and Why We Need It
636 Cortisol, Stress and Adrenal Health
638 Hormone Imbalance and Osteoporosis
639 Hormone Imbalance, Insulin Resistance and Polycystic Ovaries
644 Hormone Imbalance and PMS
646 Hormone Imbalance and Breast Cancer

April 11: Tuesday - Hormones and Their Roles

2008-01-24T11:18:00.000-08:00

This is a dictionary of terms specific to the body's hormones. Sources for this page are:

www.Diagnose-Me.com
www.womentowomen.com
www.project-aware.org
www.Lef.org (Life Extension)

Hormone - Hormone(s) are chemical substances secreted by a variety of body organs that are carried into the bloodstream. They usually influence cells some distance from the source of production. Hormones signal certain enzymes to perform their functions and, in this way, regulate such body functions as blood sugar levels, insulin levels, the menstrual cycle, and growth. Examples include adrenal hormones such as corticosteroids (cortisol) and aldosterone; testosterone, estrogens, progesterone, and DHEA.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Adrenal glands - The adrenals are walnut-sized glands located on top of each kidney and are important control centers for many of the body's hormones. The outer layer of the gland, called the adrenal cortex, produces hormones including cortisol, DHEA, estrogen, and testosterone. (Note: not exclusively! Hormones can be produced in other places and ways.) The centers of the glands produce adrenaline, the hormone named after them. The basic task of your adrenal glands is to rush all your body's resources into 'fight or flight' mode by increasing production of adrenaline and other hormones. When healthy, your adrenals can instantly increase your heart rate and blood pressure, release your energy stores for immediate use, slow your digestion, and sharpen your senses. A healthy stress response takes priority over all other metabolic functions but wasn't designed to last very long.

Cholesterol - This vital substance that is synthesized by the liver and other bodily tissues. The body uses cholesterol as a building block for, among other things, steroid hormones. One clinical study proposes that healthy hormone production is representative (a reflection of) healthy cholesterol levels.
Cortisol - This is hormone secreted by the adrenal gland. In its normal function, cortisol helps us meet the challenges of stress by converting proteins into energy, releasing glycogen and counteracting inflammation.

Estrogen - female sex hormones. There are many types of estrogen: human, animal, plant, (toxic) environmental. Human estrogen in females is responsible at puberty for the development and maintenance of female sex organs. Secondary sex characteristics are the development of breasts as well as for menstrual cycles and pregnancy. A primary role of estrogen is to control the growth and function of the uterus: Specifically, estrogens create the blood-rich lining of the uterus that prepares a woman for pregnancy each month. As a general rule, estrogen promotes cell growth, primarily of the tissues responsible for reproduction. There are 3 estrogens in humans. Used all 3 together (triest), they are part of what is called NHRT or natural hormone replacement therapy. Two used together are called biest and is composed of just E2 & E3).

---- Estrone (E1) - In postmenopausal women, the body produces this human estrogen in relatively large quantities which tends to increase their fat mass while decreasing their lean body mass. This estrogen is produced in the adrenal glands and fat cells. It converts to estradiol in the liver.

---- Estradiol (E2) - This human estrogen is the most potent. It is the main estrogen influencing the menstrual cycle and its levels fluctuate tremendously. It is produced mostly by the liver. It spurs cell growth in the breast, uterus, and other tissues.

---- Estriol (E3) - This is the weakest of the three human estrogens. It has the least estrogenic effect on the body.

DHEA - Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) is a steroid produced by the adrenal glands and is the most abundant one found in humans. It may be transformed into testosterone, estrogen or other steroids. It is found in the body as DHEA or in the sulfated form known as DHEAs. One form is converted into the other as needed.

Progesterone - This hormone is produced in the corpus luteum of the ovaries of menstruating women. It is also found in the adrenals and is stored in fat tissue. Its primary responsibility is to prepare the uterus for egg implantation, maintain pregnancy, and prevent further ovulation during pregnancy. It helps to balance estrogen. Secondarily, it also reduces anxiety and increases sleepiness; helps build and maintain bone; slows the digestive process; promotes appetite and fat storage.

Testosterone - The principal male sex hormone that induces and maintains the changes that take place in males at puberty. In women, it is produced primarily by the ovaries and adrenal glands. It has a direct affect on blood sugar levels and the function of the reproductive system, the nervous system, the cardiovascular system, the skeletal system, and other tissues.

April 11: Tuesday - Hormone Balancing

2008-01-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

Hormone balancing is known as BioIdentical Hormone Replacement Therapy. In short, the medical community is slowly turning its 'face' from traditional HRT drugs (such as Premarin, Prempro and Provera) towards a new approach using bioidentical hormones. Traditional HRT prescribed estrogen to a woman undergoing the symptoms of menopause. It sought to replace the decreasing estrogen a woman's body made. In most cases, these drugs were prescribed without regard to how other female sex hormones fared. When a marked increase in uterine cancers among women taking HRT began to show up, drug companies developed medicines that were estrogen and progestin based compounds. When these began to be connected with breast cancer, many physicians withdrew prescribing HRT altogether. (Today, when a woman is discovered to have breast cancer, one of the first questions she’s asked is, “Did you take Hormone Replacement Therapy drugs?”

The following two references support this decision:

From the website, www.WomenToWomen.com:
(website: www.WomentoWomen.com) a group of women doctors with 21 years of clinical experience:

The pendulum has swung so far that today, very few doctors will prescribe any type of HRT - synthetical or bioidentical - for women who have had breast cancer or even a family history of breast cancer. In fact, many such women are given anti-estrogen drugs. Dr. Mills has breast cancer patients who, like Suzanne Somers, use low-dose bioidentical hormones by choice. These women have researched the issues, discussed them with their doctor, and made a well-informed decision for themselves.

From “What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Breast Cancer,” by Dr. John R. Lee, p.212:

In January, 2000, the conservative Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) published a huge National Cancer Institute study that examined more than 46,000 women, and showed that the conventional medical HRT regimen using estrogen and synthetic progestins confers a higher risk of breast cancer than estrogen alone. The study received a lot of media attention, most of it shamefully misleading because the term progesterone was used to describe the progestins used in the study. Compared to no hormone use, the risk of breast cancer in women who use estrogen alone (ERT) is increased by 1 percent per year of use, whereas the risk in women using both estrogen and a progestin (HRT) is increased by 8 percent per year. This means that a woman who's on conventional HRT for 5 years has a 40% higher risk of breast cancer than a woman not using HRT. This is a huge increase and yet there were still articles following the publication of this study suggesting that the benefits of HRT for heart disease and osteoporosis outweighed its risks. Not only have the benefits of HRT for heart disease and osteoporosis been exaggerated, both are almost entirely preventable with a healthy lifestyle.

This study was certainly not the first to show this strong a connection between HRT and breast cancer, but it was the first one so large and so statistically significant that it couldn't be ignored.

---------------

What are bioidentical hormones? From Women to Women:

Bioidential hormones are manufactured to have the same molecular structure as the hormones made by your own body. By contrast, synthetic hormones are intentially different. Drug companies can't patent a bioidentical structure, so they invent synthetic hormones that are patentable (Premarin, etc.)

In our practice, we have had the greatest success with an individualized approach. We begin with laboratory tests of hormone levels (probably saliva tests). We then prescribe a precise dosage of bioidentical estrogen, testosterone or DHEA that is made up at a compounding pharmacy. Each patient is then monitored carefully through regular follow-up hormone panels to ensure we get symptom relief at the lowest possible dosage. In the initial stages, we will do a hormone panel every three months. Once balance is restored, we'll do one panel a year at the time of the annual exam.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Why balance your hormones? Again, from Women to Women:

When estrogen levels are high in relation to our progesterone, we experience many severe symptoms, among them: anxiety, breast tenderness, cyclical headaches or migraines, depression, digestive issues, fuzzy thinking, palpitations, food cravings, irregular bleeding, water retention, weight gain and more.

If estrogen levels stay unopposed, women may develop infertility, endometriosis, amenorrhea (skipped periods), hypermenorrhea (heavy bleeding), fibroids, uterine cancer, stroke, and decreased cognitive ability, among other conditions.

There have been studies and speculation for example about the connection between high levels of estrogen and breast cancer. We think many unanswered questions remain about this link....

April 10-11 : When TIME was ‘King’

2008-01-24T10:19:00.000-08:00

April 10, Monday

In prayer, I asked Heavenly Father to help me learn just how to destress. Perhaps a signal for when I'd completed a task (or a portion of it) for that day? I don't ever want to return to a list-driven life where TIME is 'King'. I want to be able to sense when the time is right to move on from one task to another rather than determine that by a clock.

I have decided that from this day forward, I will live my life as if the chapter on cancer is closed. Yes, I will be vigilant in changing those things in my life that were not healthy. But I refuse to entertain the fear that comes with the feeling of 'looking over one's shoulder' for the next possible attack.

April 11, Tuesday

We spent the night at Steve’s. The children wanted me to jump on the trampoline with them. (I quickly found that this was not the best idea for it hasn't been even two weeks yet since the surgery.) While jumping, however, 6 year old Lauren said, "Grandma, I like your sweater. The color is pretty." (It's a teal blue cardigan that buttons down all the way down the front.)

In an effort to follow his sister's good example, 4 year old Garet said, "Grandma, I like your buttons."
Oh, how I laughed (inside). Children are precious! Later, we fed a pair of ducks that had wandered into their back yard looking for something to eat.
Sweet memories.

During the day, I had an appointment with a BHRT (BioIdentical Hormone Replacement Therapist). The first step in hormone balancing is to take a saliva test. (More on this kind of test on the next page.) When the results come in, then a strategy will be planned.

No looking back now!

April 8: Saturday: What is Reality?

2008-01-24T09:54:00.000-08:00

This morning Rex said, "This all seems so surreal. You don't look sick; you don't act sick. How can it be that you really are sick?" He was having a hard time believing my diagnosis of cancer because he hasn't seen any physical proof of the tumor itself. It's been very real to me since the day the ultrasound was taken. However, he wasn't shown any of the results or pictures, etc. Realizing this, I suggested that he be the one to coat the scars from the operation with vitamin E each morning. I hope that will bring it 'home' to him. (So far, the incision and removal of the tumor has not produced any visible change in the shape of the breast. This is because it's swollen.)

I talked with Lisa tonight. I wondered why I hadn't heard from her since being told of the micrometastasis in the lymph node. I asked her what she was thinking and feeling. Her reply was that she was so angry about the news (as my reaction had been), she could hardly talk for 24 hours. When the anger wore off, a 'down' feeling persisted. Her perspective was, "Why call and talk when we're both feeling down? What would be the benefit of that?"

Lisa also asked another question, rather tentatively (for her). She said that her mother-in-law had a lumpectomy last year and no one in her own immediate family knew anything about it until after it was all over. She held some admiration for Marla who had 'gone it alone' (been reflective within) instead of involving so many others: family and friends. Why hadn't I?

I know my daughter well enough to interpret her questions as really saying, "Why weren't you strong like that?" On the face of it, some people might see that kind of an approach as 'strong' while viewing the approach I've taken as 'weak.' Certainly we know now that keeping the news of cancer to oneself is representative of a breast cancer personality. (See entry for March 26: Psychological Profile.) The 'need to be self-contained' means that it almost goes against your very nature to have to rely on others, especially when you're the one who's been taking 'care of everyone else but' yourself.

Taking the opposite point of view, is it a sign of a weakness to withhold the news your predicament with family and friends because you just hate the idea of others serving you? I know others who've kept their surgery private (even from their own grown children). One is a good friend and I don't see her as 'weak.' So, is one approach strong and the other weak? In my opinion, neither. As I've said before, cancer is a very individual experience.

I did what I could to explain this more fully to Lisa. In my case, the blessings I'd been given suggested that I would receive much valuable information from family and friends. When friends, family and neighbors found out about the cancer, their calls (and acts) of empathy lifted me up emotionally. Just as importantly, they'd say something in passing that the spirit would witness was an important truth in my path to health and recovery. I reminded her that in the early days of this experience, her own advice to me was, "Mom, you've got to start eating different foods. You eat the same thing day in and day out. That can't be good for you." Her comment has not left my mind: I knew than and now that it is true. This approach was the right path, the best path for me.

Lisa's soft answer showed that she understood.

April 7: Friday: Decision time re: Radiation, chemotherapy, and hormonal therapy

2008-01-15T10:37:00.000-08:00

Last night, as we ate supper, we cast our individual vote secretly for what we felt was the best treatment plan. Then we compared the two. It was amazing in that our two plans completely matched on every point. That rarely happens with us! It gave us a sense of welcome relief and satisfaction.

What we both wrote down was:
--- Surgical removal of the second and third lymph node layers.
--- ‘No’ to chemotherapy. ‘Yes’ to radiation therapy.
--- Follow-up hormonal therapy was to be accomplished through hormone balancing and other natural alternatives.

That was last night but --

Almost as soon as we shared our visions, I began to be disturbed about the prospect of the extra surgery… When I awoke this morning, I closely examined all the entries in this blog. I made careful notes with special reference to the promises contained in the blessings, the inspirations received in the temple, the impressions that had come with reading the scriptures and the answers that had come through prayer. It was revealing what I learned when I put these elements all together.

I realized that the way my journey had unfolded was what needed to happen. Heavenly Father had known all along! Originally, I wasn’t in the least open to radiation and yet I now see that it is the right choice for me. If that lymph node hadn’t tested (minimally) positive, I would never even have considered radiation. Tough as the news was to receive, I believe now it was all part of what the March 12th blessing had referred to as the ‘test of faith.’

What about the promised blessing that the procedures would be ‘minimally intrusive’ and our feeling that we should now go ahead and have me opened up again to remove the other lymph nodes? I considered that we didn’t need the extra information (re: more cancer?) that surgically removing the lymph nodes would give us. We already knew. We’d been told in these blessings. That’s what they meant when they said that my body would be rid of the cancer when blessed just before the operation. “Minimal intrusion” had occurred for both places of cancer had, unknown to us at the time of surgery, been removed.

In other words, it was not necessary to remove the lymph nodes through surgery.
In fact, I had the distinct feeling that Heavenly Father was leaving that decision up to us but if we did remove the lymph nodes surgically, I would pay a price the rest of my life. The ‘consequence’ wouldn’t be life threatening, etc. but it would be uncomfortable or limit me in some unforeseen way. (Possibly lymphadema?)

How does Reliv and hormone balancing fit in? I believe it answers the inspiration that the body can be healed and course-corrected through the natural things of the earth.

What about the inspiration received Feb. 21st? Could this new course be seen as unconventional? Somehow, it seems even more so now - each step of my Health Recovery Plan. How perfectly this course also answers the part of my ‘Prayer to Heavenly Father’ when I asked for “harmony to be between all types of therapies.”

Rex and I took a long walk and talked about all of this. I felt a great peace. He wasn’t so sure about radiating the lymph nodes but he felt ‘good’ about my decision. He felt ‘very good’ about the radiation therapy. He felt ‘comfortable’ about hormone balancing vs. hormone therapy with drugs.

In the evening, we knelt down and offered a formal prayer to know. I can’t say that either of us had a burning ‘yes’ answer but we did feel that it was right. Additionally, I sensed that the hormone balancing vs. hormone therapy is on an equal footing as regards the ‘best knowledge available at the present time.’

The ‘cure’ has not been found or perfected; this is as good as it gets right now.

April 6th, 2006: Thursday: Localization Oncologist - Radiation Therapy

2008-01-15T09:47:00.000-08:00

We were very fortunate to see Dr. K.., the radiation oncologist, rather immediately after visiting with Dr. H.., the chemotherapy and hormonal oncologist. Strange how a person can ‘warm’ to some doctors and not to others! This doctor was straightforward. He presented facts and answered directly the questions we directly asked. He did not attempt to influence our decision one way or the other. (His nurse, however, was a different story!) We appreciated his frankness. He inspired confidence. We both liked him and instinctively trusted him.

Our main question was: How to deal with the lymph nodes - remove surgically or radiate?

If we decided to surgically remove the second and third layers of lymph nodes (those directly behind where the sentinel lymph node lay), we could know without a doubt if there was more cancer there or not. We could then determine if chemotherapy would be needed. Surgically removing these lymph nodes meant another operation and that they would be gone forever (obviously!). On the downside, there was a slightly higher risk of contracting lymphadema with surgical removal.

We learned that because the micrometastasis found in the sentinel lymph node was so small, the chances were highly unlikely that there was cancer in the lymph nodes beyond it. However, there was the infinitesimal chance that a cancer cell could have escaped through the lymph nodes. If it did, this would mean major problems in the future: cancerous tumors appearing in the liver, lungs, brain, or bones. The upside of having the lymph nodes radiated was that they would be scarred and their functionality would be impaired but they would not be completely destroyed. If the course chosen was to radiate the lymph nodes, then having chemotherapy would become a moot point.

At our askance, Dr. K.. provided us with some statistics.
-- A woman who has a lumpectomy and whose lymph nodes tested positive for cancer and doesn’t have radiation has a 47% chance of cancer recurring in the next 5 to 8 years.
-- A woman who has a lumpectomy and whose sentinel lymph node(s) was clean but who doesn’t have radiation has a 30% chance of cancer recurrence in the following 5 – 8 years.
-- A woman who has a lumpectomy and who has radiation has a 95% chance of not having cancer recurrence in the following 5 – 8 year period.

In other words, what chemotherapy and hormone therapy do for you is to cover that other 5 – 8 % chance of recurrence. Personally speaking, that’s a pretty high price to pay in terms of risk/ reward benefits. Dr. K.. concurred saying that the more cancer you have in your lymph nodes, the more effective chemotherapy is and vice versa. Its effectiveness is minimal if there is little to no cancer present in the lymph nodes and therefore, it doesn’t exist throughout your body any more than is normal.

I asked Dr. K.. what happens when a person goes off the after-care treatment hormonal therapy drugs. He said - quite candidly - that the incidence of breast cancer recurrence rates begins to rise again. (For those with breast cancer, the chances are 1 in 6 of a cancer recurrence elsewhere in the body vs. 1 in 9 for the first-timers in the normal population.)

What I understood from information is that the hormonal therapy drugs are really a ‘patch’ that may be the solution or may not. It’s like getting a ‘guarantee’ that you’ll be alive for five years (if the chemotherapy drugs don’t kill you!). At the 5-year milestone, the medical establishment then declares that you are a cancer survivor - whether or not you contract the disease again in the future.

We thanked Dr. K.. for his time and left without coming to a conclusion as to what our next step would be. It did seem most prudent, though, to have the lymph nodes surgically removed.

April 6, 2006: Thursday: Systemic Oncologist - Chemotherapy and Hormonal Therapy

2008-01-15T09:41:00.000-08:00

Rex and I drove to Boise and went to the temple before keeping the appointment with Dr. H…. (Dr. H… is the systemic oncologist who coordinates plans with the two other oncologists responsible for my treatment.) In the temple, I prayed again that we would understand what she explained to us. I also felt impressed to pray that Rex and I would have a clearer picture of what course of treatment to follow. At present, the several options that we have could be arranged in several different ways. It was overwhelming to even think about it.

This time, when Dr. H…. came into the examining room, she was in a great hurry. This visit was nothing like the initial one. Now she had no time to patiently explain the different options and all our questions. The first visit had been for about 2 hours! Now she only had 20 min. In effect, she asked that we give her some idea of what we were thinking about for my course of treatment, so she wasn’t wasting her time explaining things I wasn’t going to accept anyway. I respected that and told her truthfully I was open to hearing what she had to say about chemotherapy, radiation, and hormone therapy.

She sensed my sincerity and honestly explained the situation, including options. To our great relief, Rex and I did understand them. We did wish we had had more time, but we got enough information to begin formulating a course. It was suggested that we see the radiation oncologist. Another blessing on this day was that he was able to squeeze a consultation in with us immediately.

We learned that whereas a radiation oncologist’s treatment expertise is called ‘localization’ or treatment of the affected area, Dr. H…’s area was ‘systemic’ therapy or of the whole body. Specifically, what that means is that she prescribes the chemotherapy and the after-treatment care that is hormonal therapy. Practically the first thing she said was that while the pathologist results reported a micrometastasis in the sentinel lymph node of .15 cm, the amount was so minimal as to be regarded by many oncologists as ‘negative’ for cancer.

The implication of what she was saying was a HUGE relief to us with one small caveat. Because the sentinel lymph node did show some sign of cancer, it was suggested that the next layer or two of lymph nodes be neutralized. This could be done in one of two ways: either through radiation or through surgery. As this was not her field of expertise, she simply presented those options and went on to explain what her role as a systemic oncologist might entail.

She said that in my case, chemotherapy was not especially necessary because in effect, my diagnosis could be described as Stage 1. This produced another big, BIG sigh of relief. She did recommend it, though, if we wanted to cover ‘all the bases’ and give me the absolute best prognosis. She explained how it worked. Then she went on to talk about hormonal therapy that is administered after all other treatments and continues for 5 years afterwards. In the end, she said that if I was going to forego one of the systemic treatments, she recommended it be the chemotherapy and to do the hormonal therapy.

Hormonal therapy is accomplished through drugs whose objective it is to block or inhibit the hormone receptors on the cancer cells that remain after all else has been done (chemotherapy and radiation). When a breast cancer is estrogen-positive that means that the cancer cells will continue to multiply and divide without any of the normal checks and balances, in other words, those cells would not die a natural death. If the signal to multiply is blocked, these cells won’t multiply and will (eventually) clump together to form another tumor at another site.

I knew that Tamoxifen had the potential for some pretty severe side effects. She said that she’d be prescribing Arimidex for me. I asked her how long that drug had been on the market and been used for treatments in cases similar to mine. She said that it had been on the market for a long time but had only been used in cases similar to mine for the past 3-4 years. (I remembered reading in Dr. Lee’s book that it was not usually the case that women with Stage 1 cancer – that is, not in the lymph nodes – were treated with hormone therapy. This, I take it, is what she meant by only recently was Arimidex being used for Stage 1 cancers.)

Arimidex is not known to have any lasting, serious side effects at this time. However, she said that in the short term, (like the 5 years it’s supposed to be taken?), it can have some pretty uncomfortable side effects and that she’s even had to take some women off of it.

I certainly appreciated her honesty and thought as how, when you are open with a person, they tend to be more open and honest with you.

I asked her what happens after 5 years to these cells that have been inhibited. What do they do then when you’re not taking the drug to block the receptors? She said that at this point, they don’t really know. The hope is that during the prescribed 5 years, the cell would have somehow been destroyed.

In other words, the conventional medical establishment is still experimenting – on you!

April 5, 2006: Wednesday - "Living Through Breast Cancer"

2007-12-17T21:35:00.000-08:00

From the first, this day was to be dedicated to study and research.

Our neighbor, Jerry W.., dropped by this morning to fully share with us his own experience with breast cancer.

I have to say that before this setback, I would not have listened openly or closely to what Jerry had to say. My mind was made up: No radiation or chemotherapy. Now, with the risk increased, I knew I had to be more open-minded and learn more so I could make a responsible judgment for myself.

Jerry’s been through it all. He had a radical mastectomy on one breast. He tested negative for the hereditary breast cancer gene even though both his mother and sister died from it. He had radiation and chemotherapy. He elected to have the other breast removed in the one or two years following the first. He’s now been on hormone therapy for 2-3 years, the dreaded Tamoxifen.

Jerry brought over a book for me to read, a gift, “Living Through Breast Cancer.” It’s by a doctor who herself was diagnosed with breast cancer. With no time to read even a little bit of it before tomorrow, I asked him to describe 2 things that he thought were most importantly given in this book.

This he did.
“One. It’s important that you and Rex stick together through this and support each other.”
“Two,” he began and I could hear a catch in his throat, “Imagine to yourself that someone who loves you dearly is always by your side. It could be Rex or it could be Jesus Christ. The important thing is for you to remember that you are never alone during this trial.”

I was touched by what he said. It seemed particularly significant coming from one who’s just recently found his faith in the Lord. (Jerry is not LDS.)

Jerry’s visit brought me the second gift of quieting my fears of radiation and chemotherapy. He says now that he didn’t have any particularly bad side effects. (Rex remembers him as saying how bad the chemotherapy was when he was going through it, though!) The bottom line is that it is important to remember that the decision is a no-brainer: Who would not do 6 months of chemotherapy in exchange for the hope of many additionally healthy years to come?

In the afternoon, I got on the internet and found two very good websites. One was from John Hopkins Cancer Care Center. (John Hopkins is a highly respected name known the world over.) At this site, I could entered keywords in a search engine at the “Ask An Expert” page for breast cancer. The results returned were detailed answers to other women’s questions. By and large, they wanted to know what the terms on the pathologist’s report meant. This website was very helpful. Additionally, John Hopkins provided a toll-free number whereby one could call and talk (without charge) for a brief consultation. I left a message on their machine.

The second website was at CancerFacts.com. This is another conventional medical website that gives you some invaluable information. After registering, (it’s free), you can answer a lengthy questionnaire and receive back a recommendation for cancer treatment.

It was heartening to think that through these two websites and what the oncologist would say tomorrow, I’d have a good foundation upon which to make a solid decision.

April 4, 2006: Tuesday: - IHC and FISH

2007-12-17T21:20:00.000-08:00

I awake at 8:30 AM – crying. I talk with Rex for over an hour – through angry tears. Upset, confused, disappointed, doubtful, furious. If it would help the situation, I’d scream at the top of my lungs and throw any object with reach as fast as I could pick them up… It’s a good thing that Rex is still numb because he heard it all today. At least the numbness helps him to withstand my angry onslaught of words.

I AM ANGRY. The harsh reality of the moment means a postponement of experiencing the joy of living my life again. I’d had that happy feeling for the past two days and now I’m angry that it’s been stripped from me so soon! Normally, I hate to be sick. After two days of any illness, I have to be up and doing again, happily engaged and productive.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND. What does it mean, the promise given in one blessing, that the procedures would be ‘minimally intrusive?’ I certainly would not call the possibility of facing additional surgery and other suggested therapy treatment as ‘minimally intrusive.’ Nothing is clear; all is cloudy. I feel like I’m in the dark. Who and what do I trust now in order to make a sound decision? Myself? The answers to prayer I’ve received? God? The promises in the blessings I’ve received?

Quietly, a still, small voice says, “The cancerous tumor in the breast did shrink some. You did not ask amiss: the cancer is gone from your body. You’re just surprised to learn of a second spot. Really, all did turn out for the best. Your prayers and the prayers of your family and friends were heard and answered. You are following an inspired course. It’s just going to take a little longer than you thought.”

Humbled, I think of my anger and castigate myself for my lack of faith. I feel horrible. In a more humble frame of mind, I remember that in the blessing the Stake President gave, he said, “You will yet have a crisis of faith.’

This new challenge must be it! Then I think, this ‘test of faith’ could have been so much worse: I could have lost Rex suddenly in an accident. What if we’d lost one of our beloved grandchildren? We could have lost all our money in the stock market. We could have lost our home to fire, etc… WThe truth is that when my ‘test’ came, I wasn’t at all noble or brave or courageous. I feel like I am in a ‘black hole’ with patches of gray barely discernable. This feeling continues through much of the day.

I know I have to put this aside but terrible angry thoughts continue: Is He really there and is He really listening? Does what I have to say and what I want to do with my life, my talents, my gifts count for anything at all? If not, what good is free will? I know I want a blessing but I will not ask for one until my anger can be put aside. I read scriptures and pray in an effort to help the anger subside.

My spirit is softened and I realized in a flash of insight that it is normal for people to experience such anger when faced with a deep personal crisis. I’d felt a brief moment of what it feels like to be severely depressed. When you are, you say and feel all those things that I felt and said. With this insight, I felt the He did indeed understand and that He had forgiven me my lack of faith, etc.. I could then forgive myself and go on with what needed to be done today even as the day wound down. I felt healed.

I got on the internet to do some research. We have an appointment with the Dr. H…, the systemic oncologist, on Thursday. That means I have just over a day’s time to become familiar with as much of the terminology in the pathologist’s report as I can possible learn. A couple of things stick out. One is the score for the HER-2 gene. It is a 2+ and the pathologist advises a further test called FISH. What’s this all about?

I find from conventional medical websites that the HER-2 gene is something that occurs in 30% of all estrogen receptive positive breast cancers. It is a marker for aggressive breast cancer. The test normally given is the ImmunoHistoChemical (IHC). The range of scores is, on the positive side, between 0 and 3+. A score of 2+ is considered borderline grounds for concern. A score of 3+ is ‘you’ve got it.’

My sample tissue is now being subjected to the more expensive test called FISH (Fluorescence In Situ Hybridization). The FISH test is more accurate and rarely results in a false positive such as does happen with the IHC. The results have not been returned from the pathologist lab to the surgeon or oncologist.

This new information has an effect similar to being electronically shocked. What? It’s possible that I could have a whole lot more serious problem? Ironically, it kicked me right out of the anger and into the attitude once more of ‘I must have faith and trust in God.’

In the early evening, I receive a blessing of comfort under Rex’s hands.
More than once Heavenly Father acknowledges his love for me.

He will be there to help me plan in the days, weeks, and years ahead.
(Interesting that he didn’t say “months.”)

I will know what is right for me because I will understand it.
(I believe this relates to research and the counsel the doctor(s) may give.)

The hopes and desires I had of going on a mission are to be set aside for now. Whatever the future entails, the responsibilities I fulfill will be sweeter than I can now imagine.

Heavenly Father said that He is interested in what I want to do with my life and that we will work together in those areas for the greater good of all.

I am calmed.
I am encouraged because I know how to recognize what will be right for me.
I am filled with resolve to proceed with the decision-making process.
I can’t say that I’m so eager to learn and know as I once was for the simple fact of the matter is that the risk has markedly increased.

April 3, 2006: Monday - Pathology Report Results

2007-12-17T12:15:00.000-08:00

The pathologist’s report came in and Rex and I headed down to Boise. What we expected to learn and what we did learn were two entirely different things.

We expected that these final results would tell us what size the tumor was and if it were estrogen-positive. We expected to stay overnight with at our Steve’s house. We expected to get up early on Tuesday and go have our cholesterol checked at the county’s health clinic. We never expected the unexpected.

Sitting in the surgeon’s examining room while waiting for Dr. L.., Rex and I asked and received a copy of the lab report. Truthfully, many of the terms didn’t have any meaning for us but one line caused our hearts to skip a beat. Upon further examination, the sentinel lymph node showed a micro metastasis of .15 cm. Did that mean what we thought it might mean?

It did. Dr. L… had told Rex at the time of surgery that only 1 in 50 or 100 sentinel lymph nodes that test negative at first examination turn out with a different result upon further testing. I was that 1 in 100.

Shattered. Devastated. Broad-sided. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Dr. L… rushed to assure us that the cancer was very small and could easily be taken care of with chemotherapy, radiation, and hormone therapy. Tears began to down my face which only moments before was beaming with health and the happy feeling that ‘all was well.’ I only half heard what she said as she explained to Rex the several options I had, conventional medically speaking.

Hearing that cancer had been found in the sentinel lymph node changed everything. Gone from my mind was the plan I’d confidently assembled relative to my course of treatment: “No thank you, doctor. No chemotherapy. No radiation. No hormone therapy. Just the determination to prevent cancer from recurring by balancing the hormones and causing lingering individual cancer cells to self-destruct (apoptosis) in a natural way through natural means.”

We did not stay over at Steve’s. I only wanted to go home. Rex was almost as numb as I was… We talked; I cried. We prayed; I cried. Rex hugged me; I cried. The shock was accompanied by a good deal of anger: with God; with me; with the cruel fate ‘life’ seems to have dealt me/us. Sleep was as far away from my mind as a happy thought. I finally fell asleep exhausted about 4 AM.

UPDATE: Several months later, after we’d adjusted our course of treatment, we learned from two separate sources that in many conventional medical circles, a micro metastasis of .15 does not especially warrant further treatment. The systemic oncologist counseling me informed us that many oncologists don’t consider that amount “cancerous.” In addition, after my first follow-up checkup, which included a mammogram, the radiologist who read my films said, “I remember your case. There was a lot of discussion as to whether or not to call it cancerous.” So, lesson learned: never trust one medical ‘authority.’ Get a second opinion!

April 2: Sunday – April, the Month of ‘Me’

2007-12-15T14:27:00.000-08:00

I especially liked Pres. Hinckley’s “Road Not Taken” talk given in General Conference today. He encouraged us to reach for our dreams. I realize that to reach for my dream(s), part of my path for the immediate future lies in following the spiritual impressions received in last Tuesday’s visit to the temple. I felt there that what Heavenly Father was asking of me was to show love and respect to and for myself each day. In effect, that is to do something for myself each day. This mandate from the Lord encourages me to name this month, The Month of Me.

Any ideas? Read more books for pleasure? A monthly massage? More leisurely walks in my beautiful neighborhood? More time with friends? I suspect it means more than just the care of the body.

Dr. Phil McGraw says that ‘You teach people how to treat you.’ In the past few years, I have been slowly learning that being more forthright with people (assertive – not aggressive) adds to the ‘bank account’ of one’s own self-esteem. It’s not an easy transition but when a person sees that the increased benefits not only does it bless their own lives but the lives of those they love. It also gives one the needed courage to continue the change. I can see that with a firmer foundation, what I have to offer others and my Heavenly Father will be increased.

It is amazing to me how there are two or three prominent themes in this journey I am taking now and just how they individually develop and intertwine. I am reminded of the insight previously received that all of us are the expression of God’s pure love for Himself. I am reminded that in the New Testament, when Jesus gave us the Two Great Commandments, the second one instructed, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

All of this fills me with love, hope, and the excitement that comes with good ‘change(s) of the heart.’

April 1: Saturday – “Flowers Would Be Nice”

2007-12-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

The month of March is supposed to "come in like a lion and go out like a lamb” or so the saying goes. April is the month when Spring comes and with it, flowers. However, up here in the mountains, it snowed all day. When night came, it really began to accumulate. It was the first time this season that I could not make it driving up the driveway!

Rex and I watched the first two sessions of the 176th General Conference (of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.) In between and afterwards, I spent a few hours lost in the kind of work I love to do: extracting and indexing family history records from northern New York. They will eventually be reproduced for the genealogy newsletters I compile. Today, I worked on The Genealogical Journal of Oswego County, NY to the great contentment of my heart.

When Rex and I finally came home from watching Conference down at the church, there was a bunch of flowers on the porch. Our home teacher (the sweetheart!) had remembered what I’d said during his last visit. When asked if they could do anything for me/us re: the surgery or afterwards, my immediate response was, “Flowers would be nice.” His gift graced our kitchen table and livened up the kitchen for many wonderful days.

March 28, 2006: Tuesday - Support from a Good Friend

2007-12-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

Good Morning,

Well tomorrow is the day. ...you have been in my daily prayers. I hope that you have felt at peace.

I think I told you about the man that as Hadgkins Lymphoma. He never showed up to get more of Reliv's nutritional product. I guess he desn't think this will work for him. He did not even listen to any stories of improved health. It breaks my heart to know that he could have help and won't take the "leap of faith."

The reason I mentioned him is because you are just the opposite, willing to believe and try everything you can so that you might continue to progress while on this earth... It really is true that the Lord helps those who help themselves...

I'm grateful that I have made the decision to make Reliv a business for me. That has been a hard choice, but I could never stop sharing what I know and I need to do it right.

I have a lady coming over that has Lupus, so I have been researching stories of others who've had Lupus and taken Reliv. I have found two so far that no longer have any lupus when tested medically....

Well, I just wanted you to know I will be thinking of you tomorrow and pray that all will be well.

Love you,
Pat

March 31, 2006: Friday - Positive Life Changes

2007-12-15T13:42:00.000-08:00

I slept without pain. Didn’t take any medication last night nor all this day. (Update note: In fact, I never did take any meds, even aspirin, from this point onward.) I attribute this to the many prayers offered in my behalf and to the excellent qualities of Reliv. This new ‘little’ miracle is truly humbling.

Today I spent the afternoon typing up the operation in detail for this blog. I see how yesterday’s 'missteps' or unplanned, unexpected events could really have been additional ‘little’ miracles – like the two guide wires.

Spent a couple of hours reading Dr. Lee’s book. It has helped me immeasurably to know about and understand the nature of this affliction. While I want to live my life as energetically and enthusiastically as ever, I do have to say that there have been some changes. I think they are very positive:

1) Colors of blouses I now wear reflect an important inner change. I used to wear dark colors: black and burgundy especially. Now they hang in my closet untouched. I wear white, pink, light blues, soft pastel greens. The darkest blouse I’ll put on is a rich teal color.

2) I believe Reliv has strengthened my body in several ways since starting the cancer treatment regimen. One is that I don’t have as much pain associated with various illnesses, etc. Two is that my fingernails are no longer flimsy and break easily. Three is (I highly suspect) that my hair is no longer as thin as it had been; that it is returning to the state it had been in 15 years ago. This is over and above the miracle it did curing my osteoporosis and the strength it gives to keep my eyesight healthy so I have only wear 'granny glasses' to read.

3) I have stopped living ‘by the clock.’ I used to have lists of things to do. I used to have a list of the different lists I had. There was a daily list built from a weekly list that was compiled from a set of monthly goals that was based upon yearly projects. Maybe not so surprisingly, I made out no lists all the month of March. I do know that there is value in making out an agenda and that someday, I’ll start making lists out again. But, I want to live so that, instead of saying, “I have just so much time for this,” I instead feel instinctively and say, “This is a good place to stop for the day on this project.”

4) I’ve stopped saying, “I don’t have time to do such and such” or “I’m so busy.” I am very well aware of and now avoid mentioning those two words. When I’ve offered them in the past, it was usually by way of an apology. Now I will say, “I’ve been (or I am) otherwise occupied.” This language, at least to me, is the language of cancer or other serious illnesses. By changing my language as well as other things, I choose my priorities based on what I know I can reasonably accomplish. Whereas I over-scheduled in the past, I choose not to do so now.

I want to enjoy each task. Part of that means that I will not put a time limit on it nor schedule many things to do in one day. This changed attitude of flexibility reflects new depth, meaning, and appreciation of life. No longer will I stress myself out each day by not completing an impossibly long agenda. Additionally, I know that I will sleep much better for it; be healthier in the long run for it.

March 30, 2006: Thursday - A New Dawn

2007-12-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

Having had a lot of sleep and rest yesterday, I was up early today. It was a fabulous day! Many, many people called to ask after my well-being. To each and all, I remarked that I was doing amazingly well. I have heard from others who take Reliv that it strengthens the body so that you don’t have nearly as much pain as you would have had for any kind of medical event.

The pain where the tumor had been was minimal to non-existent. Where the sentinel lymph node had been was pained and swollen all day. I continually put ice on it and took aspirin. I refused to take the more strongly prescribed medicine as it, Viacodin, leaves me feeling extraordinarily depressed even after a short time.

The left side of my throat had a stretched, tight feeling. I assume this is where a breathing tube was placed during the operation just in case anything went wrong…. During the day, I did get a little wobbly if on my feet for too long so I stayed on the couch reading, napping and talking to friends, etc. all day.

The Lord does talk to us through the scriptures and I could have no greater witness that I am rid of the cancer than that of the passages I was strongly impressed to read this morning. The chapter was 3 Nephi 17. I knew that to be one of the chapters describing Christ’s visit with his people in America but I couldn’t have told you what the content was beforehand. How incredible it was to read that this was when, after Christ had finished teaching the large crowd for the day, he invited the sick to come and be healed:

”Have you any sick among you? Bring them hither and I will heal them for I have compassion on them… I see you have sufficient faith that I should heal you.”

In a couple of days, a new month will begin. How shall I make it different from the stressful life I’ve been living? How do I incorporate the daily doses of ‘time for me’? How do I live as close to the spirit as I have been as I get back into the swing of things?

Many questions! I know there are answers.

March 29, 2006: Wednesday - Operation Day: Post-Op Recovery

2007-12-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

...continued from previous entry...

At 3:05, Rex began calling our relatives and some friends.
At 4:00 PM, Rex writes: "Sunny is still not out of recovery. I am wondering if they did not take her advice and cut down on the general anesthesia because she seems to be more sensitive than others to this type of treatment."

For me, I felt, saw, heard, and experienced nothing until shortly before 3:00 PM. At that time, I was being wheeled from the operating room. I opened my eyes and the nurses, seeing that I was waking, rushed me quickly to the recovery room. Here they administered more medication and that put me out solidly once again. At about 4:20 PM, I was wheeled into our 'bed' room. It was now the nurses' job to start waking me up. Heck no, I didn't want to wake up! I was in lala-land and it felt wonderful.

Rex now fed me lots of ice chips for he was told that I was dehydrated from the operation. They tasted good and did wake me up somewhat. A respite was short-lived when the nurses came in again: getting me up to take a drink, have a bite to eat (not hungry!) and take some medication. (A hospital is not a restful place!) Ate jello and drank apple juice. Next: a walk around the nurse's station. Three-quarters of the way, my stomach really became nauseated. (The medication.) I belched; the nurse was happy and I felt much better. They let me sleep a little bit more.

Rex retrieved some pain medication from the hospital pharmacy. Oh no! It was Viacodin! Whenever the doctors, etc. had asked previously if I was allergic to any medication, I told them truthfully, “No.” Yet there was no way on this earth I was going to take Viacodin! (When one of my teeth had been removed a couple years ago, that stuff was prescribed for me and I became seriously depressed in a remarkably short period of time.) However, hospital policy made it impossible to exchange the medication once it was bought unless the surgeon doctor's approval could be procured - and she was long gone. The pharmacist suggested I simply cut the pills in half. That was one possible solution. The other was to buy the over-the-counter 'aspirin' Aleve and give it a try. This we did from the very first with no problems.

When 5:30 came, it was time for us to go home. Drowsy as I was, we were being escorted out the door as they closed up for the day at 6:00 PM… We arrived at our home in the mountains at 9:30 PM. Lots of messages were on the phone from well-wishers. We called more family before retiring for the night.

Admittedly, I wasn't very sleepy. The most pain I had was under the lymph node only. If I held my arm steady in a particular position, I felt nothing at all. I did rest, however, quite peacefully both in body, mind, and spirit.

March 29, 2006: Wednesday - Operation Day: the operation

2007-12-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

continued from previous entry...

Back in my 'bed' room, we now had about an hour to wait. As the hour appointed for surgery approached (11:45), I said a personal prayer at 11:30 and felt all would be well. The confidence expressed by others now returned to my mind and heart. How very uplifting to be reminded of them! Rex and I also prayed.

A Few Last Questions

The surgeon came in to our room at 12:05. We asked her a few questions and she answered:
1) We assumed she'd looked at both the original biopsy ultrasound and the recent one taken today. Did there appear to her to be any / much difference?

She said that measuring the tumor is not an exact science but it appeared to her that there was not any dramatic difference between the two as far as she could tell.

2) When could we get the information of whether I was estrogen or progesterone receptor positive?

Dr. L said that it would take about a week and to call her office. She then said Rex and I should come in for a follow-up visit with her on Monday or Tuesday when the final pathologist report had been received.

The Surgery as I Experienced It

The hour had finally come. At 12:15 or so, I was wheeled into the operating room. I do not believe the surgeon, Dr. L, was there yet - just the nurses, techs, and attendant doctors (anesthesiologist, etc.)

This was the most stressful part of the whole day. All four of my limbs were being handled at once. A nurse on either leg dressed me in a blood pressure-like tourniquet that extended all the way up each leg. During the operation, this apparatus would be consistently pumped full of air and then released. This was to make sure that the blood in my legs would continue to circulate. It was actually quite a comforting feeling... On my right arm, a nurse was applying the blood pressure cuff. On my left side, a nurse was cleansing the affected breast. The anesthesiologist readied my left arm for the pain-killing medication. A fifth nurse lifted my head and rested it upon a comfortable pillow. Lastly, a male nurse at my left side said, "If you're a good girl today, we might let you take home the (flimsy) blue shower cap on your head." Such a comedian! That made me laugh for a little bit.

The anesthesia began to work. I went out like a light again and didn't feel another thing until waking up shortly before 3 PM. At 1:00 PM, Rex asked about the progress but wasn't given any real information. Shortly before 2:00 PM, a nurse said that the doctor had been delayed and that the operation had begun later than expected. At 2:00 PM, a nurse told Rex that they had finished retrieving the sentinel lymph node and had proceeded on to the lumpectomy. At 2:35 PM, a nurse reported that Dr. L closing and would come soon with a report.

At 2:50, Dr. L gave this report to Rex and waiting family members:
1) The sentinel node tested negative for cancer cells
2) The node will be given a more in-depth test.
In Dr. Livingston's experience, there's only a 1 in 50 or 100 chance that the more comprehensive test will reveal cancer cells.
3) The tumor removed was about 2 cm and she removed an extra centimeter margin around it.
4) The tumor was well centered in the removed mass and there was good margin over the entire area.
5) The tumor was well defined and did not have extended tentacles or the like.
6) She could not detect visually if there were dead cancer cells, nor saw anything indicating recent changes, but went on to say that with visual observation, you probably wouldn't see that. That would come from a laboratory test.

All of the above was good news, especially 1, 4 and 5.

March 29, 2006: Wednesday: Operation day

2007-12-13T16:04:00.000-08:00

We arrived on time at the hospital at 6 AM. The minute I opened the doors, the hospital smell hit forcefully. What makes a hospital smell so 'closed-in' and .... dirty feeling? It was enough to make me want to turn right around and go back out of those doors.

Admission

After Sign In registration, Rex and I were shown to our accommodations for the day: a 'bed' room, very narrow - about 12 ft by 8 ft. It contained lockers for personal possessions, a sink, a bathroom, a hospital bed, and a chair for Rex. The room had a comfortable feel to it. Procedures then moved along at a calm, well-spaced pace:
Dress in the hospital's 'beautiful' gown (tongue-in-cheek!)
Blood pressure,
Sign more consent forms,
an IV is put into my right hand (a good job done at this!) and
Support hose stretching up to the thigh is put on me. This is to keep my legs warm.

I especially liked the primary nurse, Gail, into whose care I'd been given. Throughout the day, warm blankets would be spread over my flat form. A comforting feeling.... In the lull between 7:30 and 8 AM, I made an entry for March 28th in my journal. Remembering yesterday's good and blessed events gave me a sense of calm and well-being.

Identifying the Sentinel Lymph Node’s Location

At 8 AM, I was taken to Radiology. Actually, I objected to the wheel-chair ride because I wanted so much to walk! (I missed my morning exercise routine.) This procedure was to take about 30 minutes to an hour. A tech showed me a chart illustrating the lymph nodes in the body (neck, shoulder, stomach, groin) and explained what they'd shortly be doing to identify the sentinel node under my left arm. What they don't tell you before you get here is about how the radioactive isotopes tend to 'sting' a bit when placed in the body. (One friend described it as an electric shock wave that stuns you for about 10-15 seconds). The isotopes would be injected around the nipple and their purpose was to 'light the way' to the sentinel node - the doorway to all the other nodes. When this was accomplished, a blue dye would be injected to clearly mark the path - the highway - to the node. The tech went on to explain that when this is all said and done, they use a 'high tech' tool to mark the spot where your sentinel lymph node is: they use a Sharpee (black felt pen). That made me giggle.

A nurse administered local anesthesia in my arm prior to receiving the isotopes. I was out like a light and never felt the sting at all. I awoke half an hour later to find a huge drum (it looked somewhat like the underside of a space ship!) hovering over me. It was very close to my face. For comfort, I was told to turn my face sideways. In size, I'd say it was a good 3-4 feet across in diameter and 18 inches deep. It was another type of radiation machine. It read where the isotopes had traveled. This information was relayed to a computer half-way across the room. The tech at the monitor then guided the tech at the drum to where on the outside of my body the sentinel lymph node was located. When the two techs agreed, the spot was marked with the black felt pen.

Guide Wire(s)

From Radiology, I was taken immediately to the Ultrasound room. It was now about 9:30. Rex was brought in to the room next door. We figured this was probably for the comfort of the loved one. He didn't see anything that happened….

The ultrasound was given for the purpose of locating the tumor and placing a guide wire in it so that the surgeon knew right where to go. The wire itself reminded me of what you can get at any craft store: thin and stiff but bendable for artificial flower arrangements. I was now given another local numbing anesthetic to the affected breast. A male tech and a doctor attended to this procedure. I was able to watch all that went on. The doctor placed the ultrasound wand on my breast and went looking. What he was looking for, I had no idea because I knew that he wasn't in the area where the tumor was! After a few minutes of this, I finally asked him what he hoped to see in that area. It was then that he realized he was in the wrong spot! "Oh, I've got my clock wrong. Your tumor is at 10 o'clock, not 4 o'clock!" Ummmm, yep….

The wire was guided into the tumor by way of a needle. It was supposed to go all the way through the tumor and lodge at the tumor’s outer bottom perimeter. The way it would lodge is that when the needle was withdrawn, the wire that had a fish-hook type head would snag and hold. (Sort of like a grappling hook when mountain climbing.)

However, that's not what happened the first time with me! When the doctor went to withdraw the needle, the wire followed. It finally hooked on at the outer top perimeter. This meant that the doctor had to go back in with another wire and snag the outer bottom perimeter. This he did without any further trouble. Now I had two wires sticking out of me showing both boundaries, the top and the bottom. (Later, I counted this as a blessing, a good ‘mistake.) The wires were bent circularly in a loop and then taped flat to the breast.

Oddly, the male tech and male doctor were 'goosy' about finishing up with me (taping the wires flat) because that was not in their job descriptions. Usually, two female nurses are assigned this duty. One went home sick and the other was not allowed in a room where the patient was radioactive because she was pregnant. (What does that tell ya?)

March 28, 2006: Tuesday – The Peace That Passes All Understanding

2007-12-12T10:45:00.000-08:00

The day of the operation is tomorrow. It’s finally here! What was my attitude? “Bring it on!”

Was I nervous today? Not to start with but then as we packed for our stay overnight at our son’s home, and I remembered what the hospital asked us to bring with us (a copy of my Living Will), my excitement gave way to nerves. It wasn’t so much of a case of the ‘what ifs’ during surgery but the ‘what afters’ when it was all said and done. The unknown is a scary place!

We picked up the mail on the way out of town. There was a card from my sister, Sue, and one from our closest neighbor. Additionally, there were two letters from our granddaughters, Amanda (13) and Marissa (9). Written over their school’s Spring Break, they both expressed how much they loved and missed me. Mandy wished me good health. Marissa said that she’d give $100 to me (which she really, really would like to have for herself!) if she had it to give. Every time I recalled their letters throughout the day, it felt like I was being hugged all over.

Rex and I went to the temple today. For most of the time, the peace that the temple brings neutralized my anxious feelings so that I simply felt ’flat.’ It was towards the end our time there that the “peace of God which passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7) opened the ’windows of heaven.’ I prayed, as I have so constantly, for the cancer to be gone from my body after tomorrow. As if in answer, into my mind came the sweet knowledge that I have not asked amiss all this time. It will be gone.

I had another strong impression to seek what it is that Heavenly Father wants me to do each day. Then I felt impressed that what He wants me to do is do something out of pure love each day for myself. This might sound selfish to some people (including myself) but the reality is that this will be a most difficult assignment. I rarely, rarely do anything that benefits only me. I’m always thinking as how this or that will help this person or that group of people. Yet, I know that this directive, this change, is so that I might no longer ‘fit’ the breast cancer patient’s psychological profile again. Fulfilling the terms of our covenant that Heavenly Father has expressed is as necessary to my present and continued well-being as (physical) hormone therapy…

In the late evening before retiring to bed, I received a blessing preparatory to tomorrow’s operation. This time, I remembered two things of note: 1) I’d sleep well (and I did, surprisingly!) and 2) I’d wake up happy from the operation. The second promise laid the foundation for the first, I believe!

March 27, 2006: Monday – BHRT: BioIdentical Hormone Replacement Therapist

2007-12-12T10:15:00.000-08:00

A daughter-in-law has a friend who’s been a nurse for many years when she decided to specialize in women’s hormonal health. She is what is known as a BioIdentical Hormone Replacement Therapist or BHRT for short. The reason was she personally has family history that she knows could lead to big problems down the road. The more we talked about Debbie’s enterprise, the more I liked what I was hearing. I called for a consultation, explaining my situation. Bless her Debbie said she could see me tomorrow for a 20 min free consultation. I feel very good about what she does. In fact, I feel it’s the perfect after-care path to insure there’s no repeat of my run-in with cancer.

Rex and I met with Debbie Tuesday afternoon for about 30 minutes. Her qualifications are that she has been, in her career, an oncologist nurse. As we only had a short while with her, I fired questions rapid-fire and she answered every one. First, she made it clear that she had to support the conventional medical establishment because a lot of the good she’s doing now is sustained by her continued good standing in that particular community. She shared with me enough to indicate that she didn’t necessarily agree that their methods of cancer recovery and therapy were best in every case.

I told her that my decision was that I would forego having radiation treatments. I said that no matter how many times I read over the explanation of why one should go that route, it just didn’t make sense to me. She said that if she had to face that decision, she would do the radiation at a younger age for that would guarantee (as far in as it could) quantity of life. However, at my age, she would herself chose to forego it for now quality of life becomes more important. Reading between the lines, what she was ‘saying’ was that while radiation heals one thing, it leaves the body impaired in other ways.

She could not say whether or not the Fosamax had been a major contributor to triggering this cancer. She did say that I was reading one of the best books on the subject of hormone balancing, What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer. I said that I had the sense that Dr. Lee promoted his theory of balancing hormones as a preventative against a recurrence of cancer. Was I correct? "Yes," she said, that’s what he believes. I looked her straight in the eye and asked, “Do you?” and she said, “I do.”

We talked about doing some saliva testing to determine the different levels of hormones in my body: progesterone, testosterone, and the three estrogens. She suggested using a topical progesterone cream. (I’d bought one about two weeks ago but then discontinued it’s use because I sensed it was not of good quality.) I told Debbie that, throughout these past 6 weeks, I had to rely on the promptings of the Holy Spirit for guidance because the answers just weren’t ‘out there’ in a nice, neat, organized, understandable way!

Finally, Debbie said that it seemed to her that I was well-read and understood what the chances were that I was taking. If I would agree to write a waiver to that effect, she would then agree to give me the kind of treatment I was seeking - from a health professional. I was elated!

Rex is correct in his assessment of Debbie‘s role in the medical community: She is the perfect bridge between conventional and ‘alternative‘ medicine.

I can’t wait to get started with Debbie!

March 26, 2006: Sunday: - Psychological profile: Sound Familiar?

2007-12-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

I wasn't particularly tired when night came so I continued reading in Dr. Lee's book, What Your Doctors May Not Tell You About Breast Cancer. I am in Chapter 5: The Nature of Breast Cancer. On p. 99 begins a section entitled: The Psyche of Breast Cancer. Here are some excerpts from it:

"Breast cancer is a multifactorial disease that is created on many levels, perhaps beginning when your mother was in the womb and what she was exposed to there that she passed on to you... In addition to having its own unique biochemical profile, breast cancer has its own unique psychological profile. Dozens of studies have been done on the emotional and mental attitudes of women who get breast cancer and a very clear picture has emerged: In short, women who get breast cancer tend to take care of everyone but themselves."

"The symbolism of this psychological profile for breast cancer is inescapable. ... at a deep and fundamental level, a woman's breasts are our ultimate human symbol of nurturing.... That your own breasts can, in effect, turn around and attack you with a cancer when you aren't nurturing yourself (or receiving nurturing from others) is a valuable lesson that should not be lost on any woman..."

In her classic book, Our Bodies, Ourselves, author Christiane Northrup, M.D. says, "Much breast cancer is related to our need to be self-contained and self-nurturing. Caroline Myss notes, 'The major emotion behind breast lumps and breast cancer is hurt, sorrow, and unfinished business...' An important study found that breast cancer increased by almost 12 times if a woman had suffered from bereavement, job loss, or divorce in the previous five years..."

"Women with breast cancer frequently have a tendency toward self-sacrifice, inhibited sexuality, an inability to see themselves as supported by others, an inability to discharge anger or hostility, a tendency to hide anger and hostility behind a facade of pleasantness, and unresolved hostile conflict with their mothers."

"Your personality and life's tragedies and stresses are not necessarily your destiny.... Balance in nurturing is as important as balanced hormones."

More or less to some degree throughout my life, I'd say all of these statements have described me. Too many of these indicators, to a certain extent, are still true today. Although I’ve done gained much understanding (and applied it) in overcoming the trials of my early life, I clearly, I have a lot more work to do.

If I’d been warned a long time ago when I went through counseling for sexual abuse, would I be here today? I wonder if this scenario is a similar one for other women with female cancers?

March 25, 2006: Saturday - Flats called Jobs

2007-12-04T10:33:00.000-08:00

While I was in an anxious mood, I called our daughter. She was puzzled. Why was I going through ups and downs when the beautiful promises given me over the past few weeks should be giving me a calm assurance?

I explained that this experience is a journey where the trip is not along a 'flat road.' Our experiences in life, generally speaking, and in particular through trials aren’t meant to be like this ______ (a flat road). Life is full of ‘hills’ and ‘valleys’. If it wasn’t, would we know really, what happiness is? If all our experiences were the same, how would we know, how would we recognize when to be grateful, etc?
(Moses 6:55 -- ... "the children of men... taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good."

Much later, my sister, Roberta, sent a forwarded email. It was graphically illustrated and summed up nicely what I tried to explain earlier to Lisa.

The road to success is not Straight.

There is a curve called Failure,
a loop called Confusion,
speed bumps called Friends,
red lights called Enemies,
caution lights called Family.

You will have flats called Jobs.

But, if you have a spare called Determination,
an engine called Perseverance,
insurance called Faith,
a driver called Jesus,
you will make it to a place called Success.

(Philippians 4:13 --- "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.")

March 24, 2006: Friday – Unity and Strength in Prayer

2007-12-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

Today, our son and his family began to play in the snow almost as soon as they finished unpacking for their visit this weekend. They’ve come up from southern Utah and have looked forward with much excitement to being in snow. Glad we have some!

This afternoon, I sent an email out to several family and friends asking them to combine their prayers with ours this Sunday. Following the example of Alma the Younger's father in Mosiah 27:22 & 23, we were generally specific in our requests:

1) that the doctor(s) may be led by the Holy Spirit as she (they) prepare and operate
2) that the best possible outcome will be achieved so that our deepest desires that we have held previous to the diagnosis may be granted.

There is unity and strength in the combined prayers of caring individuals. I have faith that God hears and answers all prayers, in His own way and time.

March 23, 2006: Thursday – Panic Attack: Another blessing asked and given

2007-12-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

The time is once again closing in: less than a week until the lumpectomy!

I awoke this morning feeling anxious and panicky. I didn’t understand why I would be feeling this way after the many wonderful insights and beautiful blessings given me over the last few weeks. But there it was… Every little thing that seemed wrong or was even slightly out of place was magnified 100 times in my mind. I was in tears before long and asked Rex for a blessing about noon.

In this blessing, I was given to know that (during the operation?), the doctors would either have a ’stupor of thought’ or a clear idea of what needed to be done if/when confronted with any unusual situation.
Rex and I can have confidence in the choices made thus far: the blessing and promises given are still in effect….
The blessings of former blessings will comfort me - come to mind - when I most need them….
This blessing today again talked about the loving support of family and friends and the nearness of the Holy Ghost.

As Rex and I talked this morning, we discussed the difficulties of this challenge of which he is carrying the major burden, especially with the federal tax return date fast approaching. It seems that I can only wrap my mind around one major project at a time (maybe a couple smaller ones). Right now, my total energy is in battling the cancer and healing my body.

Kicked back this afternoon and finished, “At First Sight” by Nicolas Sparks. I never would have guessed the ending!

March 22, 2006: Wednesday: - ‘The Blessings of Angels’

2007-12-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

We went to our granddaughter, Lauren's, birthday party. Her mother always plans such cute parties with fun themes. This year's was a Tea Party. All the little girls, ages 5-7, came atired in flowery dresses. I painted their fingernails while her other grandmother glued flowers on wide-brimmed hats for all to wear. Then they sat down to eat cake & ice cream and sip koolade from teacups. It reminded me of the Greg Olson painting, Tea Party.

Rex and I went to the temple later and that reminded me of the work on earth I love to do. I also visited some with Anna: energizing! We did grocery shopping, bookstores, Costco, office supplies… a full day. We arrived home about midnight.

Not surprisingly, all the activity proved too much for me. I lay in bed, exhausted, and that was a natural 'lead-in' to a panic attack: a little over 6 more days! I thought of the promised blessings of 'angels to be near me' and calmed right down. Sleep wasn't long in coming.

March 21, 2006: Tuesday - “An Eternity of Sunsets” (I wish you…)

2007-12-04T09:29:00.000-08:00

I awoke at 6 AM full of enthusiasm. Seeing yesterday’s sunset while listening to Sis. Perry’s song filled me with energy all day!

Today is one of my best friend’s 65th birthday. She hates getting old! I emailed her poem I composed having been inspired by yesterday’s sunset and song.

An Eternity of Lovely Sunsets

I have a friend of thirty years.
We once lived close but now live far.
My sweetheart's name is Rex
Her sweetheart's name is LaVar.

We didn't know each other at the age seven,
But like little girls do that are of that age,
We must have known each other long before in heaven
And giggled over what we'd do during our earthly stage.

We're fortunate in today’s world that technology is advanced!
The www gives us a place so we can easily communicate.
Oft times, we help each other find meaning and balance
like right now, on my friend’s senior citizen birthdate!

I listened to a Janice Kapp Perry song yesterday.
"I Love This Season of My Life" was its name.
If I could, I'd send my friend the sunset I watched at the end of day
while I drank in the words that really are so true and calmly sane.

So often during our busy mortal life
What we see first and most is not from an eternal perspective
It's the tears, the pain, the mundane, and the strife --
My wish for her is that this poem will be remembered as ...
an Eternally Joyful sedative! (lol)

March 20, 2006: Tuesday – My Cure Handbook: Looking Forward or Looking Backward?

2007-12-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

I just wish this whole experience would be over and done with so I could get on with my 'normal' life. Currently, I cannot concentrate as I have no patience to do the mundane things of life such as housework or work on taxes or even work on my genealogy business because my perspective is they are part of ordinary life and my life just isn't ordinary at the moment.

The question is, "Will it ever be?" A couple of weeks ago, after my first appointment with the systemic oncologist, I was given a big, thick binder entitled, "My Cure Handbook: An integrative approach to healing.... Caring for your mind, body and spirit." This I read through before visiting with the surgeon on Feb. 28th. The chapters included: Understanding Cancer, My Treatment, Appointment Calendar, Seeking Support, and Practical Matters.

Ironically, in the chapter, Looking Forward, the second and third paragraphs say: "When treatment ends, people often expect life to return to the way it was before they were diagnosed with cancer. This rarely happens. You may have permanent scars on your body or may not be able to do some things you once did easily. Just as with other major life events, you and your life have been changed by this experience....

One of the hardest things after treatment is not knowing what happens next. What is 'normal' after cancer treatment? Those who have lived through treatment (my note: a poor choice of words. Not funny!!) talk about the first few months as a time of change. It's not so much 'getting back to normal' as finding out what is normal for you now..."

It was a real bummer when I first read that. It's depressing, but it also got me ticked. I do not accept it! Certainly I know that there will be some things that are different: I might have a scar (vitamin E, vitamin E, vitamin E) and I'll follow better health practices which improve my over-all immune system and work to prevent the chances of a recurrence. That's a given! Reading Looking Forward, though, made it sound like a possible recurrence of cancer would always be (should always be?) in the back of my mind. However, I refuse to live as if I were looking backwards over my shoulder. (Another irony when considering the title of the chapter!)

Thankfully, there was a lot of 'upside' to this day.
Upon waking, I had a cute little dream. Also, in my email box were several cute 'forwards.'
A couple of them really made me laugh for Laughter truly is the Best Medicine! I got an email from my oldest grandson. Sweet.
I went to the Family History Center in the afternoon. Healing.
Lastly, on the way home from the FHC, I listened to a Janice Kapp Perry cd. The selection, "I Love This Season of My Life" was powerful and inspiring as I stopped to listen to it while watching a beautiful evening sunset.

March 19, 2006: Sunday - www.QuackWatch.com

2007-12-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

Last night's research left me feeling ‘down.’ I found a website that 'exposed' alternative cancer therapies: www.quackwatch.com. A doctor who, I imagine, has seen plenty of patients try plenty of things writes it. For him to be so condemning and complete in his list makes me wonder. Did he personally have a loved one die after trying out a number of natural therapies? It would seem that every single alternative cancer therapy is on his list. Every single one! ("Dubious treatments" include coral calcium, Essaic, Vitamin C, grape cure, immunotherapy.)

One can understand his crusade but on the other hand, he has probably never have been in his cancer patient's shoes. HOPE helps cancer patients fight. What does conventional medicine leave when all their treatments fail? Much too often a patient goes the conventional medical therapy route and when it’s too late, then they turn to alternative cancer treatments. Considering alternative cancer treatments right along side of conventional is considered complimentary medicine. In my opinion, both should be used.

Rex and I talked about this website for a long time. I feel Rex and I are truly 'one' in this decision making process. Our discussion was quite insightful as it highlighted our different roles quite clearly. In my case, he's always been more favorable to conventional medical therapies, especially radiation and possibly chemotherapy if it came down to that. While I recognize that his thinking is at least based in part on his fear and anxiety for my health, the truth is that Rex is more likely to grab an alternative medicine when he feels a cold coming on. He'll reach for the homeopathic flu prevention vial or grab some zinc if he feels his throat begin to tickle. He rarely takes aspirin and when he does get a bad cold, he never takes over-the-counter medicine. (Perhaps once in his entire life he's agreed to take Nyquil?) Oh, to be sure, I'll measurably increase the vitamin C, etc. but as for me, just give me one Contact and my cold symptoms are knocked out entirely!

So, we have come to see that in this decision making process, our differing attitudes brings us balance when we're willing and open to listening to the other's point of view. It takes practice and patience but it's really a good thing.

March 18, 2006: Saturday - Weight loss in cancer victims: Cachexia

2007-12-03T11:43:00.000-08:00

I have not slackened my pace re: cancer research. The questions have not decreased either. For every 1 answered, 2 more occur to my mind! In several ‘new patient’ interviews I’ve had recently, the question is always asked, "Have you had any recent weight loss?"

It seems a strange question. How could anyone not have lost at least some weight due to the anxiety over having been diagnosed with cancer?! So,when next I was asked that question, I asked the nurse to be more precise. She asked, "Have you lost a lot of weight recently, like 10 lbs, without really trying?"

I answered, "No, not that much" and asked her why she asked. She said that unexpected weight loss was one of the warning signs of cancer. I asked, "Why is that?"

The nurse replied that in addition to weight loss due to anxiety, there is an actual physical condition of weight loss accompanying cancer. A search on the internet gave me a more complete explanation. Here's what I discovered from www.HealthLine.com”

Cachexia

”Weight loss may be a result of a common problem in cancer called cachexia. Approximately half of all cancer patients experience cachexia, a wasting syndrome that induces metabolic changes leading to a loss of muscle and fat. It has been proposed that cachexia may be due to the effects of the tumor, but this is debatable considering some patients with very large tumors do not experience cachexia, while others do even though tumors are less than 0.01% of body mass. Cachexia is most common in patients with pancreatic and gastric cancer. Approximately 83% to 87% of these patients experience weight loss. Cachexia is characterized by symptoms such as a decreased appetite, fatigue, and poor performance status. It can occur in individuals who consume enough food, but due to disease complications, cannot absorb enough nutrients (i.e. fat malabsorption). Although energy expenditure is sometimes increased, cachexia can occur even with normal energy expenditure. Cachexia is multifactorial in nature and associated with mechanical factors, psychological factors, changes in taste, and cytokines. It should be distinguished from anorexia, where there is a loss of desire to eat, resulting in weight loss. Cachexia is serious in cancer patients, sometimes leading to death.”

March 17, 2006: Friday – Lumpectomy Surgical Itinerary

2007-12-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

This is the Itinerary as given me for March 17th. It will be similar on March 29th except the times will be a little more scrunched together. The actual surgery is to be at 11:30 AM.

8:00 AM Duration: 2 hour
Scheduled procedure: NM Sentinel node: breast
(Radioactive isotopes injected into the breast in order to track how many sentinel nodes I have and their location.)
Scheduled procedure: Ultrasound local to follow
(This is to locate where the 'core' or 'epicenter' of the cancer is within the lump.)

10:00 AM Duration: 1 hour
Scheduled procedure: US Breast localization: wire localization, films doctor
(A guide wire - based on the ultrasound which is to provide the location of the 'core' - will be inserted to give the surgeon the best idea on how much to take out: cancerous lump and the margin around it.)

11:30 AM Duration: 3 hours
Scheduled procedure: Left breast lumpectomy with ultrasound wire localization, left auxiliary sentinel lymph node biopsy
(This is it! The sentinel lymph node(s) will be extracted and tested real-time for cancer. Then follows the lumpectomy.)

After a recovery period (waking up from the anesthesia), I will go home. I will be a little sore for the next few days under the arm. Maureen's experience was that it didn't particularly stop her from most activities. She just took it a little slower and did fewer things.

Follow-up visit with the systemic oncologist: Thursday, April 27, 2006 at 3:20 pm. Duration: 20 min.
(The reason for the amount of time elapsed between operation and oncologist visit is to allow the body to fully heal before introducing additional follow-up treatments.)

March 16, 2006: Thursday: 'Uncommon Sense”

2007-12-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

As if to further confirm prayers and to give added direction, Janice called me out of the blue on the morning of Thursday, March 16. She said that the Reliv people she personally knows that deal with curing cancer suggest 3 shakes a day containing 2 scoops each of ReversAge in addition to the 6 shakes of SoySentials I am taking. The advice is to take ReversAge on an empty stomach:
1) when I get up in the morning;
2) when I go to sleep
3) when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

Reliv has people in their organization who are called "Ambassadors." This means they've worked very hard in building up a business around Reliv products to the point where they are now sent by Reliv all over the nation (world?) to train and teach others. (Janice Z just became an Ambassador last month.) Several of these people host conference calls throughout the week. The calls last for about 45 min - 1 hr and really, anyone can listen in. Some of these calls concentrate on just teaching you how to build your business but some of them do that and have people share their successful health stories, and host a question-and-answer period. Tonight's call would feature a former oncology nurse, Wendy, and her husband, Greg.

Greg's story is that he'd been on Reliv for 3.5 years before he and his wife of 20 years were in a fatal accident. The crash took his wife's life outright and left him with multiple brain injuries and in a coma. His family prevailed (heavily!) upon the hospital staff to allow him to receive his Reliv formula through his feeding tube. The doctors’ consensus was that if he lived, he'd be a vegetable. When he did 'wake up' a couple of weeks later, he was totally, physically whole. Though he'd formerly had a solid aversion to net marketing companies (such as Reliv), he now had a new focus and dedication. The result was that he eventually met Wendy (who was a Reliv distributor) and they were married.

Wendy's story: As an oncology nurse for many years, she was one day giving a class to about 30 women on self-breast examination when she felt a lump. She had it immediately taken care of: lumpectomy, radiation, chemotherapy, and tamoxifen. After her treatments, she was given an excellent prognosis for future health re: cancer. That might have been true, she said, but thereafter, "I had no quality of life." She experienced fibromyalgia, a 'hundred' hot flashes a day and night sweats, migraines, and sleeplessness. She said she tried everything to lessen her distresses including Young Living, all kinds of tea, etc. A friend of hers kept encouraging her to try Reliv and she kept putting her off. (For one thing, her doctor advised against it.) Finally, the friend said in exasperation, "You'll try everything under the sun except something that can really help you!" Well, to satisfy her friend, Wendy tried it. Within a short time (2-3 months), her migraines were gone for the most part as were the hot flashes. After more time had passed, her other distresses had measurably subsided.

When the question and answer period came at the end of the conference call, I asked about soy. According to some reports, soy might act negatively against the medications (chemotherapy & tamoxifen) that are supposed to be saving your life. She said in response that there hasn't been definitive scientific studies to confirm or deny that premise; that a lot depends on the quality of the soy product and how the product interacts with the body; that taken in balance with other (Reliv?) products, it can be effective and helpful. She said, "At my last check-up (it's been 10 years since I've had breast cancer), my doctor said, "Just for the record: you were right (about Reliv) and I was wrong."

Wendy's closing comment was, "Sometimes you just have to use 'uncommon sense.’ "

March 15, 2006: Wednesday – Lumpectomy postponed, a welcome delay

2007-11-17T10:59:00.000-08:00

Since Sunday, I have been praying that if my body is ready for the operation and conditions are as they need to be for my prayers be answered as I have asked that my cold will be gone. If it has not, then I know my body could use the extra time to become stronger for the lumpectomy.

I called the doctor's nurse and told her about my cold that was still hanging around. She said it would be best to wait given the possibility that the little bit of congestion and wheezing was still experiencing might cause problems in waking up from the operation (the anesthesia?). The next available date for the operation was Friday, March 29th, Wednesday. I agreed to it. I had a few questions that she graciously answered before we hung up.

The realization that I have almost another two full weeks to be proactive in my own recovery sent me to my knees again. I asked Heavenly Father, "What, of all I am doing, should I step up?" I had the impression that of the several things I am doing (pH factor, etc.) while they are helpful, what is of critical importance was (and I fairly heard / saw these words written in my mind) - "resveratrol, resveratrol, resveratrol." This means I will be taking more shakes containing ReversAge.

March 14, 2006: Tuesday – A Promise made to the Lord

2007-11-17T10:43:00.000-08:00

"Let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever."

In Doctrine and Covenants 82:10, the Lord says, "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." Also, D & C 130: 20-21 says, "When we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated."

A covenant is a contract between two parties that legally binds them to fulfill it. When I have approached the Lord in the past for some great blessing, I have framed it and received it as a covenant, a binding contract.

This present trial is no different. When I pondered the terms I was willing to commit to, I found to my mild surprise that they were something I want to do regardless of the blessings I have asked for regarding my surgery. I have come to feel this way about my covenant because I know in my heart that these things I covenant to will bring me joy in and of their own right. I have found this whole month-long experience to have been a sacred journey and for that alone, I would strive to live up to what I've learned and to what I've been given.

From Alma 46:20, I have known that a Covenant with the Lord is appropriate and necessary. When invaders beset Capt. Moroni’s people, he wrote a Title of liberty: “In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, over wives and our children.” This plea took to the townspeople prophesying, “Whosoever will maintain this title upon the land, let them come forth in the strength of the Lord, and enter into a covenant that they will maintain their rights, and their religion, that the Lord God may bless them."

Therefore, I commit to doing these things that God may bless me:
1) Every morning, I will awake and ask the Lord what He have me do that today.
2) Every day, I will send a card of thanks or do something out of gratitude for someone who has blessed my life. (Alma 37:40,41)
3) I will treat the knowledge about the spiritual part of this journey and the knowledge of how my cancer was healed as a sacred trust sharing one or both with others as directed by the Lord.

March 14, 2006: Tuesday - Covenant preparation

2007-11-17T10:19:00.000-08:00

Today is our wedding anniversary. We celebrated by going to the Temple, having dinner and taking in a movie. This we did, arriving home safely shortly before midnight.

Maureen, and I had visited for about an hour. She had a gift to present to me prior to going into surgery. I unwrapped it to find a beautifully carved board with a two-sided message. On one side, it read in bold letters: BELIEVE. On the second side, the first line read, "Ask, Seek, Knock. " Below that read based upon Matt. 7:7: "Receive, Find, Opened." It is that strangely wonderful that this scripture doesn't say, 'Open' as in 'it shall be open to you,' but 'opened' as in it will be open to you. Anyway, when I saw "Believe," it just made me cry with love for this loving friend. She is such an inspiration!

Since the time that I studied and composed my Title of Liberty, I knew I would make a Covenant with the Lord. Over the past few days, it has been on my mind especially. The big question has been: For what I'm asking, what would be an acceptable offering before the Lord on my part? Certainly, I feel that I could never fully repay my Savior but at least in some small way, I will surely try!

The scriptures fell upon this morning to Alma 37:37. Its familiar verse 37 advises: “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good." Did this chapter as a whole have something else profound to say to me today? Yes, it did.

Verse 16: "..keep the commandments of God, and do with these things which are sacred according to that which the Lord doth command you, (for you must appeal unto the Lord for all things whatsoever ye must do with them)..." In my case, 'these things' I interpret to mean what I have learned and hope to share with others in the future, especially those who might find themselves 'walking in my shoes.'

Verse 36: "Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever." The last phrase is a perfect life-long motto.

In verse 40 & 41, the prophet Alma is giving his son, Helaman, a history lesson in reminding him of their immigrant forefathers, Lehi and family. When Lehi and family were commanded to leave Jerusalem in order to save his family 600 B.C. (for the population would soon be scattered to the winds), he was given many insights, visions, dreams and other things to guide them in the wilderness. "...they had... many miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day. Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means, it did show unto them marvelous works. (Yet)they were slothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence, and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey."

These past few weeks, I have seen, received and felt many 'small miracles.' Lest they become so commonplace as to lose their astonishing content, I realize I need to make a Covenant that would remind me every day from whom all my blessing flow.

March 13, 2006: Monday – Warning others to get mammograms

2007-11-17T10:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday after our meetings at church, I was given a vase of flowers with the sentiment, "We want you to know that we'll be thinking about you this week," she said. This gift brought a tear to my eye and a lump in my throat.

Today, I shared some of those flowers with women I visit teach. I had not yet told them of my diagnosis of cancer. When I told Glenna the news, she said that her sister-in-law had just been through a lumpectomy. We chatted a little bit about that. Then she asked how I discovered it. I told her the story about the old volleyball injury turned cancerous. She said, "You know, I've had a spot like that high up on my breast. For years, it's been slightly indented but lately, I've noticed it's begun to protrude. I should go have that checked. You just did your 'good deed' for the day!"

I spent the afternoon doing genealogy at the Family History center. Afterwards, on the drive to home, I felt so very peaceful. To round out the sweet experiences of the day, Rex had dinner ready and waiting when I arrived home. He'd cooked eggplant parmigiana and the smell so filled the kitchen that I felt like I was back in Italy!

The 'angel' who called tonight was my friend, Sharon, from Salt Lake. We've been good friends for about 30 years. In addition to the notable recent events of our children's lives, we talked about the challenges of cancer, mine and a co-worker of hers. This co-worker (in his 20's?) has fast-developing cancer of the mouth though he's never smoked, drank, or chewed. He's been through radiation and chemotherapy on one side of his mouth. Now it's back on the other side. He fights it for all he's work. I told her to have him call me. I have such a desire to help and I believe that Reliv can!

March 12, 2006: Sunday – “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief”

2007-11-17T09:59:00.000-08:00

At the outset of the blessing, Pres. Walker had asked, "Sister James, how is your faith?" I answered rather gruffly for my heart was pounding and my throat full of emotion, "For what I'm asking, it can't happen without faith!"

When I came home from church (Rex leaving directly from church for a stake meeting in Emmett), I thought as how my answer may have sounded brash. I found that when you are 'in the moment,' it's not easy answering such a question for the 'test' is so very real. Now, at home, doubts came to my mind, loud and uninvited: "Who do I think I am to ask for such a miracle?" and "Do I have enough faith?"

The questions of fear and doubting continued. "What if my request is not granted?" I surmised that the result would be that I would not be allowed to fulfill the mission I could ‘envision so clearly. At that thought, I dissolved into great sobs. No, it couldn't be; it wouldn't be. Not after all the inspirations and inspired impressions I'd received through prayer and study of the scriptures!

How to describe the lingering doubt even though I considered that my faith was strong?

Into my mind came the passage from the gospel of Mark 9:17-23 (excerpting):
”And one of the multitude... said, ‘Master, I have brought unto thee my son, which hath a dumb spirit...
And they brought him unto him... and (Christ) asked his father, ‘How long is it ago since this came unto him?’
And (the father) said, ‘(Since he) was a child.’
Jesus said unto him, "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.’
And straightaway the father cried out and said with tears, ‘Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."

Now my heart took courage and I dried my eyes. Turning to a special blessing I was given in 1975, I prayerfully studied it. It’s no longer a question of belief now for I received a clear, forthright, unmistakable answer about the outcome of my health and I haven't had a moment's doubt since.

March 12, 2006: Sunday - “God, Our Father, Hear Us Pray”

2007-11-17T07:06:00.000-08:00

Stake President Walker and company came for our annual ward conference today. For our sacrament (communion) hymn #170 we sang, "God, Our Father, Hear Us Pray." Nothing prepared me for the emotion I felt as the second verse opened. "Grant us, Oh Lord, grace divine." Tears began to stream down my face. This desire was so close to my heart as Rex and I were again fasting for the best possible outcome to happen and Friday, the scheduled day for the lumpectomy was coming up fast.

Pres. Walker gave a very good talk as he always does. At the conclusion, Pres. Walker said something to the effect that when a person sincerely prays and has faith, Heavenly Father always answers their prayers. I felt like he was speaking directly to me.

After church, I was asked if I wanted a blessing. I accepted and asked Pres. Walker to be the voice for the blessing that would come from Heavenly Father. He agreed. Before beginning, he asked me, "Sister James, how is your faith?"

The blessing was beautiful. I tried to listen very carefully for phrases that, beyond all doubt, would tell me what the outcome would be on Friday. From what I heard and remember, it did not tell me what I wanted to hear. However, it repeated several things said in other blessings, in particular the blessing of angels to be near/with me during this time of trial. It said that I would yet go through a test of faith. Most remarkably, it specifically addressed two paragraphs I'd written in my 'letter to God.' I thought to myself, "It's almost as if Pres. Walker’s read that letter!" and yet I knew he hadn't. Of two paragraphs in my ‘letter’ 1) clearly defined what I wished would happen re: surgery and therapy and 2) why I was asking for that specific blessing. I believed what the blessing I now received was open to more than one interpretation. When I returned home from church, I went through a couple of soul-searching hours while reviewing today’s blessing.

When Rex came home from his stake meeting about 9 PM, I asked him what he remembered from the blessing. He said that the phrase that struck him and stayed with him was that my body would be 'rid of the cancer.' He had the impression that that meant that whatever happened at the time of the operation; I would not have any cancer thereafter. (So, no radiation!)

Good news!

March 11, 2006: Saturday - Cancer is an individual experience

2007-11-16T09:56:00.000-08:00

Jane is a friend I’ve been close to over the past 10 years. At present, she and her husband Jerry are raising two small grandsons while running two different businesses. She's a busy lady and we’re about the same age: nearing 60. She left a message on our phone asking after my welfare. "I've been thinking about you a lot," her voice said on our recorder. This morning, I returned her call. We talked for an hour and had a profound conversation that left lasting impressions and taught me several important things in regards to shaping a Health Recovery Plan for cancer.

Jane is a most remarkable lady for in her early 20's, she lost her right leg to synovial sarcoma. According to www.Cancer.gov, this is a cancer of "the muscles, fat, fibrous tissue, blood vessels or other supporting tissue of the body. Synovial tissue lines the cavities of joints, such as the knee or elbow, tendons (tissues that connect muscle to bone) and bursae (fluid-filled, cushioning sacs in the spaces between tendons, ligaments, and bones. It occurs mostly in young adults with the average age being 26 although 30% are under 20 years old. It occurs more in men than in women. Half of this type of cancer develops in the legs, especially the knees. The second most common location is the arms. It is common for synovial cancer to come back usually within the first two years after treatment. When it metastasizes, it spreads to either the lungs, lymph nodes, or bone marrow.”

The background on Jane's story is this: Thirty or more years ago, when Jane was about 26 years old, she was a mother of two small children. Jerry was not a member of our faith and he like to party. When her cancer was detected, the doctors performed all types of tests. Besides the tumor that could be felt high up on her leg, the leg was otherwise filled with undetectable cancer. However, no cancer was found in any other part of her body. Her cancer was rare: a combination of two types: bone and tissue. They advised amputation and chemotherapy which was done.

My questions to Jane were:

1. Did you ever explore other alternatives other than conventional medicine?
Ans: She never explored other options outside of amputation because she knew well in advance that it was meant to be that she would lose her leg. She had had a dream one night months previous to the diagnosis: she would have her choice of either losing an arm or a leg. Thinking through those options in her dream, she chose a leg.

2. If you had it to do all over again, would you change anything?
Ans: What she would changed would be to have foregone the chemotherapy. The reason she wasn't given radiation was that it was supposed to have been ineffective against battling her kind of cancer. The chemotherapy, in fact, was also supposedly ineffective. Why did they give it to her then? She figures it because they felt they had to do something. Had cancer been found in other parts of her body, the doctors would have simply amputated and given her nothing else because they figured that at that point, she would have had only months to live anyway. Without cancer being in evidence outside of her leg, however, they hoped to give her a better chance of survival.

The chemotherapy was to be given for a period spread over the next twelve months. She would spend one week in the hospital for treatments every month. Treatments were discontinued after only five months when Jane developed heart problems. In the intervening years, she's also developed lupus. This is a known possible side effect from the chemotherapy drugs she received.

3. Did you ever learn to what purpose having had cancer has served in your life?
4. Did you make a covenant with God when asking for a return to health?
Ans: God had given Jane to know - before the leg was taken - that her sacrifice would result in a remarkable blessing for the future well-being of her family. That's why she was at peace with what happened. It was her husband, Jerry, who made a covenant with God. If God would spare his wife's life, he would change his. When his request was granted, he made good on his promise: he joined the church and his family's well-being and happiness was preserved.

Jane helped me to see that cancer, though it is commonplace among our society today, is a very individual experience. What is or could be a solution for one, may not be for another. As we talked, I was impressed with the fact that when people find out about a life-threatening illness, etc., I can't help but think that they drop to their knees in prayer. They may be asking, "Why me, Lord?" but they are also asking, "Where do I go from here? What am I to do?" I believe that in our heart of hearts, the Lord comforts and answers us all on some level. That's why some people do the straight conventional medical therapy; some pray themselves whole; others go the alternative medical route and still others follow a complimentary approach combining all of these therapies.

March 10 - Friday: Misleading Tamoxifen Advertising

2007-11-15T17:03:00.000-08:00

In a letter to the FDA, Cindy Pearson, executive director of the National Women's Health Network (NWHN), elegantly laid out the truth about an ad for tamoxifen that appeared in Newsweek... The ad is an excellent example of how statistics are deceptively used both in advertising and in writing abstracts of published studies:

"The ad is misleading because of the shifting use of absolute and relative risk numbers. By juxtaposing test reading "women who took Nolvadex (tamoxifen) had 44% fewer breast cancers than women taking sugar pills," with text asserting that health threatening side effects "occurred in less than 1% of women," Zeneca (the drug maker) is deliberately creating an inaccurate impression of the risk/benefit of this drug. The average consumer reading this text would understand that she has a 44% chance of benefiting from taking tamoxifen and less than a 1% chance of experiencing the associated risks.

If the ad used relative risk consistently, it would say that women who took tamoxifen had 44% fewer breast cancers and 253% more endometrial (uterine) cancers. Or alternatively, if Zeneca wants to use the absolute numbers to assert that women have a less than 1% chance of being harmed by tamoxifen, the ad should also explain that in absolute terms the women have only a 1-2% chance of benefiting from the drug depending on their underlying risk of getting breast cancer in the first place.

We hope the FDA will act quickly and strongly... This is not the first misleading advertisement of this promotional campaign... Tamoxifen is not a risk-free drug. Healthy women have already died as a result of taking tamoxifen..."

**************************
Many doctors prescribe tamoxifen as a matter of course to virtually all women with breast cancer, regarless of age or whether they have a uterus and apparently without regard to the National Cancer Institute study warning against such indiscriminate use. (p. 229-232) For the most part, it's only in the United States that doctors still believe tamoxifen significantly prevents or reverses breast cancer. In fact, now even the National Cancer Institute has come out with a statement that in all but a very narrow group of women under the age of 60, tamoxifen may do more harm than good in terms of preventing cancer. Despite this, the Food and Drug Administration just approved the use of tamoxifen to treat a form of breast cancer known as ductal carcinoma in situ or DCIS. (These are not breast cancers at all - but benign tumors.) (p.10)

If the side effects of tamoxifen are this bad, why is it being used at all, and why is it being trumpeted so loudly as the great cure-all, to the extent that the FDA approved its use as a preventive? ... It's the lesser of many evils; it's better than nothing. Theoretically - on paper, in test tubes and in laboratory animals - tamoxifen looks promising and the rationale for using it is based on solid scientific foundations. (p.9)

Just in case you're wondering about the profitability of a drug like tamoxifen, it's estimated that at least 60% of women with breast cancer are taking tamoxifen and at a cost of about $1,000 per year each, that's one billion dollars a year going into the pockets of the drug companies. (p. 232)
********************************************

Update – July, 2006 in the magazine, Cancer

Tamoxifen Fails to Reduce Breast Cancer Risk in Most Women
by Allison Gandey

A new study suggests that current recommendations for tamoxifen use should be amended to promote the drug for only the highest-risk women.

March 10, 2006: Friday - Tamoxifen: its Warning Label should read...

2007-11-15T16:33:00.000-08:00

Excerpts taken from Dr. John R. Lee, M.D.'s book,
"What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer." (published 2003)

"Tamoxifen is a synthetic, non-steriod drug that competes with estrogens for binding to the estrogen receptors in some parts of the body, including the breast. When estrogens bind the estrogen receptors in cells of the breast or uterus, for example, this activates cell growth and division. When tamoxifen occupies the estrogen receptor in place of the estrogen, it paralyzes the receptor, preventing it from triggering the events that result in (cancerous) cell division.... (In early studies), researchers discovered that tamoxifen did not kill cancer cells but put them into a deep sleep or quiescence. The negative side of this type of drug is that when estrogen is added back in, the cells begin to divide again.

Since 70-80% of all breast cancers contain estrogen receptors, this provided a strong impetus to test tamoxifen's anti-cancer effects in women with breast cancer and clinical trials began in the early 1970s. After the first studies, it was clear that following the first 5 years of use, the cancer-protective benefit waned. It was also clear that tamoxifen didn't work for breast cancer tumors that weren't estrogen-driven or when the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes.

Further, numerous serious side effects of the drug emerged. It has been clearly established in both animal and human studies that tamoxifen quickly causes thickening of the uterus (and that) in the first studies, a significant number of women died of uterine cancer. In response, the World Health Organization listed tamoxifen as a cancer-causing drug. (p.221-223)

*************************
Note: The WHO formerly listed tamoxifen as a cancer-causing drug. Today - Nov. 2007 - it is listed a ‘essential’ in the fight against cancer.
*************************
Continuing...

In a large study funded by the National Cancer Institute known as the Breast Cancer Prevention Trial, 13,000 women without breast cancer were given either tamoxifen or a placebo for six years or less (the average was three years.) Reportedly, 154 of the women receiving the placebo developed invasive breast cancer while only 85 women on tamoxifen did. The study had been planned to extend longer but was cut short, it's claimed, so those women on the placebo could switch to tamoxifen.

Among the women taking tamoxifen, 33 developed uterine cancer compared to only 14 in the placebo group.
Among women taking tamoxifen, 18 developed pulmonary embolism (blood clot) and 3 died compared to 6 taking placebos.
Among the women taking tamoxifen, 33 developed deep vein thrombosis (blood clot in a major vein); 22 on placebos.
Among the women taking tamoxifen, 38 women had a stroke; 24 while on the placebo.

All these side effects are well-known effects of excess estrogen. Remember, all of the above women were healthy when they entered into the trial! (p.224)

March 10, 2006: Friday – Work with the System

2007-11-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful morning after getting past a panic attack! Feelings and thoughts loomed up like ugly snake heads: Surgery is to be a week from today! One short week.... seven days. Count them: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven days! Am I as healthy as I can possibly be? Has everything been done that could be done? Still fretting, I knelt in prayer. Recalled to me were all my blessings and it calmed me down.

I picked up the Book of Mormon to read it. It fell open somewhere towards the end of the book, to Ether 9. Hmmm. I don't remember anything remarkable about this chapter but let's just go with it and see if there's any specific message for me, here and now, today. Little did I know!

Chapter 9 talks about a people (King Omer and all) who left their homeland because insurgents (in the form of the king's rebellious son) had overtaken the government via the implementation of a 'wicked and secret society.' For the next three generations, the two peoples lived apart. The king's people - they who were righteous - lived long and prospered.

Ether 9:21-22:
And Emer (another of the king's sons) did execute judgment in righteousness all his days, and he begat Coriantum... and anointed Coriantum to reign in his stead.' (The rebellious, however, did not live long or peacefully.)

And after he (Emer) had anointed Coriantum (his son, - 3rd generation) to reign in his stead, he lived four years; and he saw peace in the land; yea, and he even saw the Son of Righteousness, and did rejoice and glory in his day; and he died in peace.

What about the 'secret society' that separated these two peoples? They are described as 'secret combinations' (like the Mafia) with 'oaths given them who sought power' for the purpose of getting power and gain; which societies seek to 'overthrow the freedom of all lands.' One readily thinks of government conspiracies ("One World Order") but might there also be other conspiracies such as powerful drug and pharmaceutical companies that tie medical doctor's hands? How can any good man (like my doctor) wish to be a part of them, if this supposition is even partly true?

After pondering this question, I reasoned that a good man (or woman) who desires to do the most good for the most people most of the time would do well to become a doctor (nurse, etc.) and that if the 'system' is corrupt - a little or a lot - it is much more effective to work within the system to change things than outside of it. To date, we have much, much to be thankful for regarding the medical community, not the least reason of which is the many advances made in diagnostic instruments that help pinpoint disease and because of early detection, help more people to live long and prosperous lives.

March 9, 2006: Thursday: Medical history interview

2007-11-15T15:15:00.000-08:00

In a comprehensive medical interview taken over the phone by a hospital employee, a few questions were asked that struck me as odd. (I'd already answered most/all these questions for both the surgeon and the oncologist's offices. Now the hospital itself wanted its own record. I guess all bases must be thoroughly covered 'just in case'!) The employee talked rapidly and wrote as fast as she could. One answer I gave caught her quite off-guard.

Question: Have you ever had a serious illness? (She rattled off several).
I said, "No. No. No. Yes, I had osteoporosis. But I don't have that now." You could hear how stunned she was as she involuntarily said, "How'd you get rid of it?" I told her about Reliv.

To my limited knowledge, these were odd questions:

Question: Have you recently lost a lot of weight?
Answer: No. I've lost some, but not a lot.

(Update: I asked the surgeon’s nurse, Evie, why this question was asked. Was it solely because when a person finds out they've been diagnosed with cancer, they begin to worry and that the resulting weight loss is not good for their immune system / attitude? Or is there actually something to cancer that it causes you to lose a lot of weight?

Evie said, "A little of both. Losing a lot of weight without trying is one of the seven danger signs of cancer." I’ve since learned that doctors look for a rapid weight loss of 7 pounds or more, that is, if you haven’t been trying to lose weight.

Question: Have you had any x-rays taken in the last 6 months?
Answer: I had x-rays taken in January prior to having a tooth capped, a bone density test, x-rays after an accident, and a mammogram.

I asked why this question was asked. Her response was: "You are asked that just because we want to know if you've had any mammograms done at any other facility other than St. Alphonsus. If so, they might give us more or better information." I didn't point out to her that that wasn't exactly her question. “Have you had any x-rays taken? is different from “Have you had any mammograms taken recently?”)

Note:
”A summer 2000 study... looked at data collected over 40 years.. of women with scoliosis who received many diagnostic x-rays during childhood and adolescence. (They had a) 70% higher risk of breast cancer than women in the general population. The more x-rays a woman was exposed to, and the higher the dose of radiation, the greater her risk of breast cancer. Although the dose of radiation in a typical x-ray is now much lower than it was when these women were being x0-rayed, the point is still valid: Radiation is a potent risk factor for breast cancer; its effect is cumulative and mammography involves forcefully squashing the breast and then shooting radiation through it." Source: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer, by Dr. John R. Lee, M.D., p.11:

Question: At what age did you first start menstruating? When was your first child born? How many pregnancies?
Answer: 11. 19. 2.

Question: Are you allergic to plastic?
Answer: Not that I know of. Her question did call to mind the years I worked in a plastics factory when a teenager. Did this environment 'encourage' cancer?

Question: Have you ever suffered any physical abuse?
Answer: Yes, but that was over 30 years ago and not an issue with me anymore.

Her question raised a question in my mind: If conventional medicine doesn't believe that healing is could be a matter of 'mind over matter,' why do they ask such questions? Or, taking the opposite point of view: How could they believe on the one hand that it could possibly be and on the other, discount such a recovery course to a patient because it hasn't been 'scientifically proven'?

Question: Have you ever smoked? How long ago? For how long? How much a day?
Answer: Yes. I quit 33 years ago. I smoked previously to that for 7 years, a pack a day.

Do educators use this kind of information - that it can still effect your body long, long, long after you've quit! - when warning teens against smoking?

Question: What is the best way you learn? By sight or by hearing?
Answer: By sight.

At the end of the interview, she proceeded to give me a detailed description of how to get to the hospital building the morning of the 17th. I stopped her half-way and said, "Please tell my husband all this. Remember I learn best by sight, not by hearing?" She said, "Oh, yeah." Rex took the phone and understood all she described. Pretty funny!)

March 9, 2006: Thursday - Talking to a Breast Cancer Survivor

2007-11-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

I talked today with my neighbor, Jerry, a breast cancer survivor,. HE had cancer two and a half years ago. He had a mastectomy on one side and a year later, had an elective mastectomy on the other side. He had chemotherapy first and then radiation. The chemotherapy was bad; the radiation was OK. He's now on tamoxifen. No side effects except he has trouble losing weight.

The other is a cousin I’ll call Donna. She lives in a small town about 4 hours from us. Donna is 62. She had a mammogram and a lump was found. She followed her doctor's advice without question. He advised her that because she was small-breasted to begin with, it was better to have a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy. He said that by the time the lump was removed, she'd not have much breast left anyway. Donna also did not want radiation - no way, no how! (She said.) Having a mastectomy takes care of that. There's nothing to radiate after the breast is gone so ... no radiation. She didn't have to have chemotherapy because the cancer wasn't in the lymph nodes. She is now on tamoxifen for 5 years. That was about two weeks ago. She's feeling good and going back to work soon.

I listened and asked questions but did not make any comments. I was seething inside. Her cancer was not much bigger than mine (Stage 1 - no chemotherapy. Her tumor is 1.7 cm.; mine is 1.3 cm.). She’s also a bigger person that I am. I couldn’t believe that her doctor advised taking the whole breast! It all happened so fast: one week from the time of the lump's discovery to the mastectomy. All I could think was, Butcher!

I received get-well cards from two friends today. The 'angel' who called me today was my brother, Chuck. We had a very nice chat. It was so sweet of him to call.

Also, my friend Karen came over and gave me a quick lesson on how to do yoga. (At least one research scientist believes poorly oxygenated cells are a contributing cause of cancer.) So, I’ll give it a try…. Karen was sweet. She said that she'd tried to put herself in my shoes and the 'what-ifs' were overwhelming. Her voice caught when she said that. I knew then that she did really understand at least in part. Few there are that can genuinely empathize. She is one.

March 8, 2006: Wednesday - Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself

2007-11-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

I took a mind 'journey' on Tuesday designed to heal, from an emotional / psychological standpoint, the reason the cancer started or became activated. The techniques involved use visualization as a healing agent. It began with the observation and question: The cancer is literally right over my heart. Is it 'protecting' my heart from something and if so, what? The answer that came into my mind was ‘love hurts.’ That’s what my background taught me about love. Over the years, the emotions became manifested in the physical form of cancer.

The 'journey' continued and helped me re-define what love truly is: a combination of peace, harmony, and beauty. I said in my heart, "I will feel Heavenly Father's infinite love for all his creations.” My heart asked, “Why is it that He created us?” and the spirit answered, “To give expression to the pure love he has - for himself.” Think about that for a moment! In the Bible, the second of two great commandments given us is to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. (Lev. 19:18 & Matt. 22:39)

My friend, Anna, gave me a few 'get well' gifts yesterday. (Rex brought them back up with him.) One was a bag of dark chocolate Hershey candy kisses! Another was a book titled, "Draw Near Unto Me" - Daily Reflections on the Doctrine and Covenants. When I took this book in my hands, I felt a very strong, loving spirit accompany it.

A third 'gift' from Anna was a personal note. She'd been reading in the Doctrine and Covenants, Section 42 and had come to verses 48–53. These ‘spoke’ so loudly to her, she just had to write. In particular, verse 48: It shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed. Anna wrote, 'That's you, Pat! You have the faith to be healed!" Additionally, verse 53 reads: Thou shalt stand in the place of thy stewardship. Anna said, "That's the work that you do, Pat! No one else is doing what you do. You are needed!"

I thank the Lord for such good, loving friends... As if to confirm Anna’s inspired statements, we received several orders for northern New York genealogical publications. This was unusual in that I had not advertised these works at all for the past month.

March 7, 2006: Tuesday – Reliv's SoySentials

2007-11-14T10:08:00.000-08:00

Rex went down to Boise without me today. He had made an appointment to have maintenance done on his truck. He didn’t return until about 8-9 PM. He went to the temple. I know that he prayed for me. I didn’t go as I had caught a bad cold. Would I be able to keep the March 17th appointment for my lumpectomy? It seemed ironic to me that I should be taking all this immune-building Reliv product and come down with a cold. Then I thought that perhaps I needed the extra couple of weeks to strengthen my body before the operation.

I called a gentleman who lives in South Carolina. He graciously talked with me about the ingredients found in Reliv’s SoySentials product and the formula he used to beat his cancer. His story is that he’d been diagnosed about 10 years ago with non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and for the next 8 years, received a round of chemo each year lasting approximately 6 months. Why 8 years? At the beginning of each year, he had a PET scan done and it revealed he had cancer – again. He said he had tried everything under the sun, including juicing all his food. In Sept. 2004, he heard about Reliv and decided to give it a shot. Since that time, he has not had another chemotherapy treatment. He continues to have PET scans (CT?) and they show that his tumors are either benign or have gone. The last scan revealed that even the benign tumors are beginning to shrink.

As our conversation lengthened, he began to tell me what was in Reliv’s SoySentials. I about lost my teeth! He said it had grape seed extract! No wonder I had felt by the spirit after my visit to Dr. H…. (the hypnotist) that I shouldn’t worry about finding a source for grape seed extract; that the Reliv products would have the same effect!

The ‘angel’ who called today was a ‘brother’ in the stake that knows Rex well. He said that he and his wife had been to the temple about noon and asked that special prayers be said for me. He specifically said, “We’re asking for divine intervention in your case.”

Truly Heavenly Father’s hand was clearly shown in the events of this day!

March 6, 2006: Monday – The truth about Reliv’s ReversAge; Alma 46:40

2007-11-13T07:28:00.000-08:00

Every day, I do the hypnosis cd, read my Title of Liberty, read my Prayer to Heavenly Father, study my scriptures, and ask in prayer what He would have me know / learn that day. I felt impressed today to study scripture references dealing with health. In our scripture’s index, I ran through the verses in the Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, and Doctrine & Covenants. One verse in particular electrified me. It was if I was reading it for the first time for a whole new meaning occurred to me. It was Alma 46:40. This verse speaks of the people who inhabited the Nephite lands after (my!) Capt. Moroni had won freedom and liberty for them.

“There were some who died with fevers, which at some seasons of the year were very frequent in the land – but not so much so with fevers, because of the excellent qualities of the many plants and roots which God had prepared to remove the cause of diseases, to which men were subject by the nature of the climate…”

“Remove” I interpreted, could mean several things. It could mean prevention of disease but it could also mean exactly what it said: remove the cause of the disease. Could it be possible that this affliction would be removed from me because of the excellent qualities of what I am taking?

One thing I felt impressed to do today was to read over the ingredients and compounds found in Reliv’s ReversAge. This is the product I took that gave me such marvelous results re: osteoporosis. (I’d stopped taking it when I started on the Cancer Formula given me.) I’d never previously read the 10 page informational report. When I did tonight, I fairly whooped for joy! A couple of compounds especially (as found by credible scientific researchers and facilities) have cancer-fighting properties. One, resveratrol (protykin) says that it encourages apoptosis (natural death) in cancer cells. Yes! I decided to begin again taking ReversAge at night before going to bed.

No sooner had I finished reading the report, when about 20 minutes later a friend of a friend called me. Janice had just come off a Conference Call whose purpose was to train those who wish to make Reliv a business in how to be better salespeople.

Janice was all jazzed up. However, she didn’t ‘encourage’ me too much to listen to a later version because she knows my situation at present. She did, however, tell me of a visit she recently had with a woman whose husband’s cancer ‘disappeared’ after taking Reliv. Ellie N…has a recorded call that anyone can call into and listen to their remarkable story. 1-212-990-7093. Janice gave me several other numbers of people who’ve had cancer and have been helped tremendously in their recovery using Reliv products. She then showed how much of an angel of God she unwittingly was by relaying that these people who beat cancer had taken several shakes a day of …. ReversAge.

What greater witness do I need then the three that were given me today?

March 5, 2006: Sunday - Family Support: "General Sue Be Healing"

2007-11-13T07:12:00.000-08:00

As is usual for LDS faithful on the first Sunday of each month, Rex and I fasted and prayed today. No food or water for two meals. My special request was that I’d be able to ‘see’ how my tumor was being taken care of for in my Prayer to Heavenly Father, I’d specifically asked that the tumor either shrink measurably or test out to be benign upon surgery. I was having a hard time seeing either alternative as I meditated with the hypnosis cd.

I did receive an answer today. It came in the form of an impression. The tumor would be taken care of in Heavenly Father’s own way. That way will be different from either way I’d prayed for. The reason is, wondrously, the doctors have something to learn!

I bore my testimony in Sacrament. I told them that I’d been given some unique promises in the blessings I’d received. One was about the involvement of family and friends – how much their support, etc. would help me. I testified that since this has come to pass as there hasn’t been hardly a day that has gone by that I haven’t received a phone call, email, or card (often 2-3) from well-wishers. It’s been truly awesome and such an immeasurable blessing.

Later this evening, Sue and I were on the Family Chat. I still haven’t gotten out to my sisters my Title of Liberty but I told Sue she was one of my ‘generals.’ We even gave her a title: Gen. Sue Be Healing.

I thanked Sue for the card she’d sent by snail mail. The poem was very touching and uplifting. The inscription she wrote inside the card read, “I think of you often and hope that you find that God’s love brings you comfort and great peace of mind. And always remember I really do care – If you think I can help, please just call. I’ll be there.” Sue signed it: “My prayers are with you also. Love, Susy & Billy.” Her message and the poem’s are truly cherished and treasured.

You Are Never Alone
By Emily Matthews

There’s a wonderful peace in just knowing
that God never leaves us alone.
And whether we feel He is with us or not,
He loves us and calls us His own.

His Word is our hope, and our comfort;
a refuge when life brings our way
Those times we need wisdom and guidance
and strength to sustain us each day.

March 4, 2006: Saturday – What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Breast Cancer"

2007-11-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

When Rex and I arrived home from the basketball game late last night, I thought I’d skim through a few pages of the book Glenda gave me to read:

“What Your Doctor May NOT Tell You About Breast Cancer”
How Hormone Balance Can Help Save Your Life
By John R. Lee, MD, David Zava, PhD and Virginia Hopkins, published 2003

What I intended to be ‘for just a few minutes” ended up to be for 3 hours. I went to sleep about 3:30 AM! Whereas my medical doctor had said just yesterday that there was no way to know if I was estrogen-receptive (ER) positive or negative until the lumpectomy, this book gave me enough clues to have a good idea. The reason this is so important is that at least in some of the cases of the pro-active steps I am taking now, some might be helpful and some might be harmful depending on if I am estrogen receptive positive or not. For instance, early studies of soy suggest that it helps if you are ER-negative but may be harmful if you are ER-positive. If you are ER positive and taking lots of soy products, the soy itself encourage the cancer cells to replicate. If you are ER negative, early studies show that soy does just the opposite: kills cancer cells.

It is frustrating to think (I may be all wrong on this!) that conventional medicine simply says: “We’re not going to take enough tissue samples at the biopsy to run an ER test because we don’t think it’s needful – It’s an unnecessary test at this point.” Perhaps they think that it’s only really needful after the biopsy when it’s known that the lump is cancerous and that that particular knowledge is pertinent in determining what type of hormone treatment, such as Tamoxifen, is going to be prescribed for future therapy. It seems like the fact that the cancer might grow larger or spread more during the time between biopsy and surgery doesn’t make a difference to the ‘establishment.’ After all, the procedure of radiation or chemotherapy is eventually going to take care of the extra size or spread.

In this book, I read enough to begin to put some of the puzzle pieces together – the ‘why’ of why I have cancer. It’s not a pretty picture, for one thing. For another, it scares me to death for my sisters’ sakes. I want to read this book a lot more in depth – perhaps Monday.

In the end, when I called it a night, I’d read one passage that gave me hope because it at least gave me something pro-active to do before surgery. Studies have shown that the normone, progesterone, aids in the cell’s natural death or apoptosis. It is known to work topically. Australian doctors give it to their patients 10 – 13 days before surgery for maximum results. I will buy progesterone cream to spread over the affected area twice daily. I have just enough time before surgery to do this!

March 3, 2006: Friday – Conventional Medicine’s Approach: Not!

2007-11-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

We drove down to the valley to run some errands and go to our town’s high school basketball tournament playoffs. (They were in the running for 1st place.) We dropped by our doctor’s office (it’s an HMO) to learn what the results were of Rex’s PSA test that was done on Feb. 13th. To our surprise, our doctor was in and could see us. How’s that for a ‘gift’ from heaven? Dr. R… told Rex that his PSA result was pretty good. (Two years ago, his score was almost 7.00 and he had a biopsy done.) Today, it was 5.0. (Normal is about 3.0.) Rex told him he thought it was due to taking Essiac Tea.

My pH level was 6.5. Not bad. What could he tell me about that result? It turns out that medical doctors do take them but don’t have any knowledge about the advocacy of acid/alkaline levels pointing to cancer/health.

Next, I asked my doctor if he could give an educated guess as to if I was estrogen-receptor-positive or negative. He said there wasn’t any way to know that until I was operated on.

I asked him if he knew of anything I could do pro-actively now before the operation to help get maximum results. He smiled and said that he knew that subject would come up and promised to search and get info to me on Monday.

It was a comfort to be assured of his expressed interest and willingness to help.

At the basketball game, Rex and I sat in bleachers surrounded mostly by people we didn’t know. As I watched the game, an inner battle was raging. I was frustrated that in all that I’d read and heard so far, conventional medicine’s approach to cancer did not give the diagnosed person anything particularly pro-active to do in the way of actual healing. (Generally speaking, their advice is ‘keep your appetite up and keep up a good attitude.’) The feeling of being alone in a crowd of people came over me. I was now one of an exclusive ‘club’ – cancer’s newest victim. I felt isolated somehow and I marveled at how often I had sat on other occasions at similar games and events and been innocently ignorant of my fellow human beings having major diseases! My empathy for those others now that surely must be in the crowd around me surfaced and my heart was filled with prayer for all of us.

March 3, 2006: Friday – Shaping Pro-active Approaches to Health Recovery

2007-11-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

First thing I did this morning was take a pH test. The strip showed I was very acidic but how much was hard to tell because the drug store strips don’t give much detail. (It’s rather like taking a cholesterol or bone test at the grocery store.) Needless to say, this was upsetting news. I asked myself how in the world I was going to raise my level – whatever it was – to ‘normal’ or slightly alkaline – with only 2 weeks until the operation?

Rex commiserated but I got the impression that my desperation in searching among natural cures for those that will help immediately is beginning to wear thin on him. I could see that this was not a good thing – getting almost panicky about where to find what information. So, I prayed to Heavenly Father about this quandary. Into my mind came the impression to ask Rex for another blessing (my fourth). Whereas the first two were for comfort, peace and/or strength, this time it would be for knowledge on how to approach my studies and research; what would be helpful under the present circumstances. When I asked him, he agreed wholeheartedly (almost relieved.)

The blessing was (again) beautiful. I wrote down what I could remember afterwards:

While taking in a myriad amount of information, I would forget (or it wouldn’t leave an impression on me) the info that’s not especially to my good. Additionally, the information that I do gather would be not only for the immediate future, but for always.

Concerning the information that I do gather, I’d be able to put that knowledge into a comprehensible form so that it would help others in the future.

I was counseled to use the gift of discernment; to know by seeking the Spirit what, for me, is ‘truth.’ I would be blessed with the strength to not be swayed by well-intended people for there would be people would tell me of things unnecessary and inessential.

I was to know that there will angels nearby and in attendance to see me (us) through.

Rex remembered that the blessing also included the reminder that the ‘Earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof’ (1 Cor. 10:26… Ps.24:1) Heavenly Father put plants and herbs here to help nourish and heal us and the knowledge exists to use it to help the body become well. (Alma 46:40 talks of the ‘…many excellent qualities of the many plants and roots which God had prepared to remove the cause of diseases…”) It surprised me that Rex remembered this and I didn’t for it has been Rex all along that leaned more toward conventional therapy.

March 2, 2006: Thursday – pH factor study

2007-11-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

I was upbeat all day. Felt like I began to live again today. Felt that my mind, body and spirit were in sync after ‘turning the corner’ yesterday. Went with my friend Karen to the health food store in McCall. (First visit.) I wanted to pick up some strips to test my pH level. I’d read in the book Janet sent over that cancer doesn’t live in a body that is slightly alkaline. Here was something I could do proactively to fight cancer. I’d researched a couple of websites yesterday and found a list of foods that were either acidic or alkaline and to what degree. We found what we were looking for (you can buy the strips in any drugstore) and bought alkaline inducing foods at the grocery store. The greatest benefit was just being out in the sun and with a good friend.

The website most helpful in understanding pH factors was at Carrie’s Potent Nutritional Supplements, All Natural Cancer Therapy. (http://bluegrass.net/~carrie73) It is there that I found a comprehensive explanation. It also gave a long list of foods based on their acidic / alkaline content ranging from very acidic to very alkaline. The thinking is that you are what you eat eventually. Lastly, if a person wants to bump up their pH level from acidic to slightly alkaline, they can take a product sold by a natural health company, Nature’s Way, called Coral Calcium. Great stuff!

Glenda had left a book for me to read yesterday and I called to thank her for her thoughtfulness. It’s “What Doctors May Not Tell You about Breast Cancer.” It is written by two doctors and a lay person. Looks like a good read.

Sabrina had called a couple of days ago asking after my health. Tonight we talked for a long while. She was curious about all aspects. Her own father went through prostate cancer surgery and radiation last year. She hears lots about natural health alternatives because her husband’s is way into that. Bree says she’s keeping an open mind. I appreciated her supportive comment.

March 1, 2006: Wednesday – A Defining Moment in my life

2007-11-10T12:42:00.000-08:00

Last night’s conversation with respect to anger with Dr. H… disturbed me greatly. For one thing, I was so angry that he had introduced new elements into my decision-making process – after I’d made my decision! (Letter to God.) For another, thinking about what is righteous anger consumed me with doubts and fears. Would this battle be long and painful because I couldn’t muster the anger to fight?

I sobbed out my prayers to Heavenly Father. Dying would be relatively easy! What do I have to live for? This life is only a drop in the bucket considering my complete eternal existence. In the eternities, I know my family will be there and besides, the work I do here in family history, I can do there. So, what is there to keep me living here?

Rex and I talked about it. He is so supportive and sweet. Thru his participation in these conversations, I have truly come to feel his love and that this fight is ours, not mine alone. He suggested I go in to work at the Family History Center this afternoon. His well-taken point was that if I stop living my life, it’s as if cancer has scored a point. (I did later act upon his suggestion and it was a blessing to me.)

Heavenly Father sends angels to do his work at times. Because of my anger this morning, I absolutely did not want to talk with anyone. However, Kitty called – a rare event – and I couldn’t very well say, “I’ll talk with you another day.”

We talked for about an hour. I shared my feelings about what is it I am living for? Among all my friends, she would best understand this because she has said more than once that she’s ready to go Home. Now, when I asked my question, her immediate response was, “Because Heavenly Father put in us the will to live.” So simple and so profound! Yes, our Father did instill in us the will to live; the instinct to survive at almost any cost. He intended for us to have joy in this life. (“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” 2 Ne. 2:25) Hearing that it was as if my spirit said, Oh, yes, now I remember!

The second insight that came when talking with Kitty was when I described the measures I am taking pro-actively before the surgery. The language I was using came to my attention. I wasn’t saying that I was taking Reliv, etc. to prevent cancer or to build up my immune system primarily. I am taking Reliv, etc. because I am ATTACKING the cancer. I am on the OFFENSIVE. I am researching hours and hours daily for ways to BATTLE. In other words, I am fighting for all I am worth!

As both Kitty and Rex pointed out, there are people who need me in their lives, especially our grandchildren. Also, I came to realize that the specific work I do with in family history cannot be done in the spirit world.

The day now looked brighter. I was filled with purpose and direction….

A popular saying says that Love Heals. Today, three other people expressed their love and concern for me, which uplifted me and kept me upbeat: my sister Roberta, friend Karen and friend Glenda. ~ ~ A good day!

Feb. 28, 2006: Tuesday – Hypnosis and ‘Two Kinds of Cancer Patients’

2007-11-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

Preliminary to creating the hypnosis cd, Dr. H... talked with me about fighting for my life. He said, “There are two kinds of cancer patients: those that live and those that die. Those that live do so because they fight for their life with everything they are worth.” There followed an intense discussion for I didn’t have a fighting, angry spirit about this affliction. I am not angry: as reflected in my visit to the temple on Feb. 14th, I see this as an ordeal I’m supposed to go through for my greater good. I have adopted the attitude that if in the future, I’m going to look back upon these few months of life and say, “I gained so many blessings from it” – then I’m going to look at it from that positive perspective in the here and now and gratefully acknowledge each blessing that comes my way. How can I be the kind of angry that Dr. H… is talking about?

Then I thought about my ‘representative,’ Capt. Moroni, a military general, in charge of all the Nephite army. How could he, such a good and righteous man, go into battle and kill people? Dr. H… and I talked about Jesus’ righteous anger in the temple when he destroyed the moneychanger’s tables, etc. So, there is righteous anger – I just need to find mine somehow.

Dr. H… read what I’d written for him to be able to get a feel for Capt. Moroni’s character and what I wanted to envision happening. He used some of it in the ‘journey’ but not a whole lot. He made use of Moroni’s battle flag by having its color wash through my body. The color I saw was a deep teal blue. Why that color? Subconsciously, I’d chosen a hue that is a harmonious mix of Heaven’s blue and Earth’s green.

The flag’s purpose was to fill my body starting up from the toes and cleansing it from harmful particles. When it got to my breast, it called upon all of its army to come and attack the invader: containing it first and crushing it to dust in the outstretched hand of my mind. Then the color was to go through and eradicate any stray left over particles. The cd mentioned the strength that is so much a part of me for my family: both what I receive from them and what motivates me into action for them. It is interesting that the cd went back and forth with scenes: it then had me envision being in the presence of the Savior and him removing the cancer from my body. It finished by requesting I bring up from my subconscious something I need to remember, something I’d forgotten. As I searched, I saw myself – not as I see myself, but as Heavenly Father sees me: whole, complete, strong, compassionate, and serene – all at the same time. It was … breathtaking.

Feb. 28, 2006: Tuesday – Apoptosis (ah-po-TOE-sis) vs. Necrosis

2007-11-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

Dr. H… is a chiropractor that my friend, Maureen, and I have seen many times in the past. I’d gone to him back in 1990, etc. when I’d had continual neck and shoulder pain. He’s a chiropractor and would relieve it. Tonight, my appointment was for 5 PM or after normal hours. (Rex was not with me for this one.) The good doctor and I began about 5:20 and finished at 8 PM.

Dr. H… began by giving me quite an education on the make-up of a cell, both normal and what happens when they turn cancerous. This took about an hour and it was fascinating stuff. This all came about because Rex and I had asked the question at the surgeon’s about what happens to cells when they are killed (shrunk) during chemotherapy for example. Dr. L… said that those cells form scar tissue or in other words, there’s still a mass. (That’s when chemo is warranted. It is done first and then radiation is given.) But now, Dr. H… was saying that cells could shrink leaving no residue behind. This seemed to be in contrast with what the surgeon told us. “Ah,” Dr. H said, “You were asking a different question. Dr. L… told you correctly. She was describing necrosis or when you kill cells by external means. What I’m talking about is apoptosis or the natural processes of cell death.”

Through his penciled illustrations and some websites on his computer, I learned about cell apoptosis. Each normal cell has two identical strands of DNA. When it goes to divide, one strand goes one way and the other strand the opposite way, making two new cells. That one strand then duplicates itself identically. A component part of the new cell is called p53. Its job is to police the cell, looking for anything out of the ordinary. When it finds something, it fixes it. If it cannot fix it, it sets the cell to self-destruct. The trouble comes in when p53 doesn’t do its job. It’s like a light switch that even when it’s turned to the ‘on’ position, doesn’t make the connection (it’s got a short in the wire somewhere.) What chemo and radiation does is go in and actually make the affected cell even more ‘un-normal’ in the hopes that this will finally shock the p53 component to wake up and do its work.

Dr. H… bills himself as a bridge between conventional medicine and alternative. He believes that the reality is that both are really talking about the same thing – they just don’t have the language skills to be able to communicate with one another. He has done an amazing amount of research into both fields and spent a lot of time explaining that chemo and/or radiation’s bad side effects can be neutralized while allowing those treatments to carry out their good intentions effectively. His preferred website is PubMed.com which publishes medical studies done by ‘reputable’ researchers whose language conventional medical doctors can understand. He briefly took me to 9 articles that talks about grape seed extract: that this remarkable product can both cause cancerous cells to go into apoptosis and, during radiation/chemo, cause that those treatments don’t harm the body in other ways. Grape seed extract is sold through health food stores. He figured I’d need quite a bit right now for it to do what he says it will & it’s expensive…

After asking in prayer for direction on this possible solution, I felt that whatever is in Reliv will do the same thing for me and decided to continue using it rather than go to some new product.

Feb. 28, 2006: Tuesday - Visit to Dr. L…, surgeon / oncologist

2007-11-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

Dr. L… was chosen following my ‘two witness rule.’ In even considering a step essential to my recovery, I employed a biblical principle: “…at the mouth of two or at the mouth of three witnesses shall the matter be established.” (Deut. 19:15) I had heard from several friends, etc. that Dr. L… was the soul of kindness and one of the best surgeons around the area.

They were right. She was, indeed, the warmest, most caring doctor I’ve ever met at a first appointment. She graciously listened to our questions and gave her answers in great detail. It shocked me to discover that 2.5 hours had just flown by and we were just finishing our questions!

After examining me, she said that the tumor was not a hard little knot like most are – it’s actually rather squishy. That makes it a little more of a challenge of knowing where the tumor’s edges are and how much of a margin to cut away. But she’s very skilled and will employ a device that makes detection more assured. An ultrasound will tell where the core of the tumor is and a wire will be inserted that will act like a pointer to it.

The margin will be about 1 mm all around the tumor. Once the tumor (and margin) is incised, it will be sent to a pathology lab. In a few days, we’ll get a report that will tell us either one of three things:
1) that the cancer cells came all the way out to the edge of the margin – in which case, she’ll need to go into the same area and scrape more away
2) that the cancer cells were just at the edge of the tumor itself but well away from the outer margin – a good sign!
3) That the cancer cells were mostly contained within the tumor itself – the best sign. (The type of cancer it is - DCIS or infiltrating ductal cancer – means that some of the cancer cells had escaped out of the tumor and infiltrated the space around it.)

The sentinel lymph nodes will be tested for cancer. Most people have one; some people have two. They are just under the armpit. The function of lymph nodes – and we have many! - is to carry ‘junk’ out of your system. They help keep your system clean of impurities. Impurities (called ‘free radicals’ and/or oxidants) can be the result of ‘stuff’ that’s entered your body externally or what it has produced internally. Lymph nodes act like strainers – sieves.

In the case of the breast, the impurities are carried along the pathways called mammary ducts – like rivers – and are carried to the sentinel lymph nodes. These nodes are called ‘sentinels’ because they are the primary nodes; they act as ‘doorways’ to all the other nodes. Cancer cells are larger than normal cells and if they clog the nodes (which act like strainers), that’s when a person gets cancer in the lymph nodes. (We all have cancer cells in our bodies; I guess this happens when a flood of cancer cells try to get through the lymph node.) If no cancer is found in sentinel nodes, then it is not possible that any cancer is found in any of the other nodes.

Sentinel node(s) are stripped from a person during the surgery. They are tested right then and there by a pathologist for signs of cancer. If there are no signs, then the patient is good. If there are signs, then the surgeon strips the next two layers of nodes – just to be sure all cancerous nodes are removed. As a person has many, many nodes in the body, the responsibility to clean and purify the body is assumed by the other nodes; their load is increased but this hasn’t been found to be a problem.

Although a test is done real-time to determine of a node is cancerous or not, the node is sent to the lab and further tests are done. It is possible to be negative real-time but turn up positive a couple days down the road. If this happens, the surgeon goes back in and removes the second and third layer of nodes.

As far as (conventional) treatment is concerned, if the sentinel lymph node(s) are cancer-free, the treatment is radiation and, I think, hormone therapy. If the sentinels are cancerous, it means the whole ball of wax: chemo, radiation and hormone therapy.

If the lump is removed and the margins are clear and the lymph nodes are free from cancer, conventional medicine is (approx) 70% sure that there are no cancerous cells ‘in the rivers’ and they think this way because the cancer in the lump was well-contained and there was no cancer in the lymph nodes. However, there’s always that chance that there were cancer cells enroute to the lymph nodes. That’s why they prescribe radiation treatment.

Keep in mind that radiating the whole breast to kill any possible cancer cells in the ducts is a little like aiming a machine gun and spraying the entire perimeter - you can’t tell where the enemy is at all so you shoot up the whole place. Yes, you are shooting blindly but you do it long enough and steadily enough so that you are quite sure that all and any cancerous cells that are eft after the surgery have been destroyed. That’s why radiation takes about 4-5 weeks to accomplish. There are two other methods of radiation but they attack only the affected spot and are considered somewhat still in the experimental stage.

Radiation, according to Dr. L…, reduces your risk of recurrence from 70% to 95%. However, for the stray cancer cell that does survive and gets through into the system, it most likely means either a recurrence of breast cancer or brain cancer, uterine cancer, or cancer in the bones. If it recurs in the same breast as the first lumpectomy, there is no other option but to remove the entire breast. (This is because of radiation but I don’t know the reason why.) If the stray travels to the lungs or liver and causes cancer, you are then untreatable and considered terminal.

Not surprisingly, Dr. L… did not know anything about possible Immunology methods of dealing with cancer in the aftermath (or before hand) of surgery. Not her field of expertise. (I had found an article on Resan – a vaccine that purportedly kills the cancer cells without all the side effects of chemo or radiation. I believe it is used in Europe but my doctor had never heard of it.)

In the case of discussing alternative treatment, she had nothing positive to say. In a very compassionate way, she reflected the viewpoint of conventional medicine: Alternative ‘medicine’ is undocumented, unproven and for those reasons, inadvisable. Should a patient choose to do that, it’s OK as long as the conventional methods are followed. In other words, do it their way and they don’t really care much what else you do because they don’t have any faith – scientific proof – in any thing else.

Rex indicated that he leaned towards radiation therapy while I favored natural healing. The doctor gave (me) an extended dissertation on the ‘why nots’ of Alternative medicine.

I was not happy with Rex for doing so because he had never said that in any of our previous conversations and that was not the place to do so! (I let him know how I felt about that after we left the office – I felt ganged up on. I didn’t blast at him because I know where he’s coming from. Because he’s an engineer, he’d like to be as sure as possible about the outcome. Engineers hardly take the first step in any project unless they can see clearly the entire path and the end of the journey! This whole process must be extra difficult for Rex – so many feelings and emotions to deal with! So many uncertainties! Besides, I know that in his heart, he doesn’t want to lose me…. He apologized sincerely and said that perhaps the way he phrased and presented it was inappropriate. We went on about our business without hard feelings from this point.)

We learned that after the lumpectomy, the breast is given between 2 – 4 weeks to heal and then radiation begins. (You might ask: What if a stray cancer cell gets through during that time? Good question! It’s also one we didn’t think to ask!) The other forms of therapy – chemo and hormone – I’ll discuss at a later date.

We were at the end of our visit. It came time to determine the date for the surgery. I had previously determined earlier today what the date for my surgery would be: March 17th, St. Patty’s day. Fitting, eh? Well, I wasn’t going to choose March 14th – our anniversary or March 15th – the Ides of March! And the doctor only did surgery on Tues, Wed, & Fri.

When she heard of my decision, she was delighted – a little relieved? – that I was going through with the surgery. Earlier we’d discussed if waiting two weeks would make a difference in the growth of the tumor, etc. In her opinion, it would make little difference. I decided to use the two weeks so that my breast can be fully healed from the biopsy, thus making her surgery easier and to use natural health products to boost my immune system as much as I possibly can.

I pray that the surgeon’s aim will be sure.
I pray that the doctor gets a good, cancer-free margin around the tumor.
I pray that there is no cancer in the sentinel lymph nodes.

Feb. 27, 2006: Tuesday – My Title of Liberty

2007-11-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

My Title of Liberty
By Pat James

I have come to do battle with an invader. I take upon me the whole armor of God: headplate, breastplate, and shield. I raise upon a pole a banner which reads:
In remembrance of my God, my religion, my freedom, my peace, my family.

I have prayed and am praying mightily that the cause of freedom from this oppressor might be favored. I have poured out my whole soul to God and designated my ‘land’ – my being – to be a chosen land, an instrument in God’s hands for whatever He wills.

Behold, my Title is held high and I call forth among my people, my friends, my church family and those whom I have served to join me in this battle. Together we will go forth in the strength of the Lord…. I see that they have come running to my aid, taking upon themselves the Armor of God. I enter a covenant with the Lord to compassionately show others the way to better health as I feel inspired and led of God. I ask that those who have joined me will be blessed for their efforts – even healed themselves, if that is their faith.

I rally my troops and remind them of who were are and what our mission is. The love of my family especially is a great strength to me. On other missions, we have collectively shown great unity, wisdom strength and love for one another. We come from a lineage that has always conquered all who have come to conquer us. In speaking of the whole of my army, it is a truth that their dedication to the name and cause of Christ forms a bond that cannot be broken.

It is amazing and wonderful that people from outside of my circle of strength also come to my aid. They, too, are inspired by the Title of Liberty and its purpose. Together, we shall not let any dissenters escape to join the enemy. We will capture them and once contained, we will give them a simple choice: join us in the cause of freedom or die. Few it is who choose to die.

Strong we will grow, overcome and ever continue to be. The battle will be won; the intruder destroyed.

God has spoken it.

Feb. 27, 2006: Tuesday – Prep re: composing my Title of Liberty

2007-11-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

I was intrigued with this idea: thought it was excellent. I chose as my symbols of strength, etc. a figure from the Book of Mormon, Capt. Moroni. I studied in particular chapter 46 in the Book of Alma whereby Moroni raises a banner that he called, The Title of Liberty. The chapter related how he rallied his countryman to join him in battle against the faction of the population that would overthrow the government. I studied, took notes, likened his situation to my own, prayed first and then wrote a piece I hoped would be a guide for Dr. H... in creating a hypnosis cd for me. One thing that impressed me strongly during my study: the admonition to make a covenant with God. What am I promising in gratitude for any blessings received?

I know that several places in my composition of my Title of Liberty were inspired passages especially where it talks about those who would be healed and about my family (my siblings in particular!) and our lineage.

Inspiration: Captain Moroni in the Book of Mormon, Chap. 46

Moroni is a strong and mighty man; a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man… whose soul joys in the liberty and freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery. (Alma 48:11)

Yea, a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people. (Alma 48:12)

Yea, and he was a man who was firm in the faith of Christ, and he had sworn with an oath to defend his people, his rights, and his country, and his religion… (Alma 48:13)

If all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men. (Alma 48:17)

Feb. 27, 2006: Monday – preparations for tomorrow’s doctors visits

2007-11-09T10:56:00.000-08:00

One good suggestion my friend, Maureen, had and did was to write out her prayer to God in the form of a letter. After having read, researched, studied and prayed, she decided what she’d like see happen re: her illness. I really liked this idea and put a lot of time myself into thinking about what I’d ask of Heavenly Father. On the one hand, you want to say “Thy will be done.” On the other, you know that He’s given you free will and therefore, would like to know what you want. Like a parent who wants his child to grow up right, He guides us along the righteous paths we choose but doesn’t make the choices for us. Anyway, I prayed before writing my letter that my thoughts would be clear and my requests ‘in tune’ with His will. Writing it was an uplifting exercise because I realized just how much my life meant to me and was grateful to God for it.

Another suggestion Maureen had and did was to go to a doctor who does hypnotism. He asks the patient to choose a symbol that will represent, in the case of cancer patients, a strong force ready to do battle. She chose the four sons of Mosiah from the Book of Mormon: they were brave missionaries who had some extraordinary experiences and pulled off some incredible feats. (Dr. H… is not LDS but has read the Book of Mormon more than once in order to advise his LDS patients.) He then took her symbols and wove them into a self-hypnosis cd. She listened to this every night for the purpose of psychologically battling any cancer cells left after her lumpectomy.

Gratefully, my husband, Rex, volunteered and developed a spreadsheet of questions to ask the surgeon. We’d discussed what these were at length. He did a masterful job of encapsulating them on a spreadsheet. We went to bed happy to have accomplished these preparations.

Feb. 26, 2006: Sunday – My diagnosis reminds others of others

2007-11-09T10:47:00.000-08:00

I awoke very nervous about facing people in Sacrament (our main church service) and leading the music. I knew it was perfectly normal for some to avoid eye contact for they are either embarrassed or don’t know what to say. Others will look at me with sad eyes, full of pity: not what I want! Still others will tell me their cancer stories as a way of ‘connecting’ with me empathetically. Oh no!

Rex offered and I accepted a blessing of comfort and strength. As I stood and led the music, much affected at times by the lyrics, I indeed saw some in the congregation whose eyes were full. I had a couple of insights that gave me knowledge, understanding, and peace. I realized that I reminded them of the (cancer) trial one of their loved ones had gone through. As I stood in front of them, they relived (at least to some degree) the pain of that trial. They felt empathetically for me based on their own personal experiences. My heart was uplifted, however, because they don’t know what I know: that my experience will be different – much different – than theirs. This allowed me get outside of myself and to have compassion on them for their pain and loss. So, leading the music in Sacrament became a sweet blessing.

Feb. 25, 2006: Saturday - Day in the Temple

2007-11-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

I spent all day in the Boise temple. It gave me a quiet place to meditate and pray. Gratefully, I received some well-timed impressions that encouraged me and helped me further to shape my special prayer to Heavenly Father re: my diagnosis and outcome.

On Friday night, I realized I would not have enough of the Reliv product, SoySentials, to see me through until a new shipment came in on Tuesday. The suggested cancer formula has me using up a can every two days. The impression came to me to call a Reliv contact I’d made in Boise just a week before my diagnosis. It was through her I was able to obtain more.

In the temple, I was reminded that the impression on how to obtain more SoySentials came through the spirit, thus strengthening my faith in the suggested formula given me. This is important because there is controversy in the medical community – conventional and alternative – about using soy products re: cancer. Some circles say that their properties might encourage cells towards cancerous growth. I have faith in Reliv’s products because I know them to be of the highest quality.

My first impression, then, was that the suggested Reliv formula will do what it says it will. The second impression was to hold off the lumpectomy for at least a couple of weeks in order for the Reliv to have a chance to work. I felt that whatever happens on the day of surgery, a follow-up visit the next month will reveal no cancer at all. I felt that Rex and I will be able to continue with our original plans made in December before receiving the cancer diagnosis. I was strongly impressed with – had a very clear image - of something that would happen during the time frame of that original plan.

On my way home, I was able to visit with Mike after he got off work. (He hadn’t responded to but one of our phone calls during the last 6 weeks and to none of the letters I’d sent. I was pretty worried about what was going on with him.) Mike explained that he had just opened his mail about 4 days ago and learned of my cancer. He has a close friend whose mother has been where I am now. Kelly reassured him a lot. We talked about my news a while. Upon departing, we hugged each other four different times. Now this was unusual and very welcome.

Feb. 24: Friday - Natural Cures research

2007-11-05T09:37:00.000-08:00

My sister Janet sent me, “Natural Cures” by Kevin Trudeau. She’d highlighted passages she believed were most pertinent to my situation. I skimmed thru them. The one thing that stuck out in my mind like a big red flag was the pH level in our bodies. She also sent me a lot of material on Essential Oils. This is a program that, I determined, a person just doesn’t ‘jump into.’ I laid it aside to study more after the surgery.

A long-time friend talked about apple cider vinegar helping a person’s pH to turn slightly alkaline even though it is highly acidic. My research eventually led me to an excellent website: www.cancer-prevention.net. One article especially looked promising: “Diagnosed with Cancer? Here Are 9 Effective, Natural Strategies to Kill Your Cancer.” For instance, the first strategy is: Cancer Weakness #1: High Oxygen Levels Kill Cancer; Low Oxygen Levels Breed Cancer. That’s why doing yoga can be of such a help!

I found that I wanted to talk incessantly about what I was learning and what I was feeling. Rex never even once put me off. He always listened with full attention. His great attitude made me feel like this challenge is not just my challenge, but also ours. At night, he holds me very close. Our relationship and love for one another has truly been blessed during this time; has truly deepened.

Feb. 23, 2006: Thursday - Health Recovery Plan begins to take shape

2007-11-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

During these days and weeks, several friends and family members would spark ideas for me to research over the internet. Sometimes, I was referred to a book. All were gratefully accepted. I did look into all that time allowed.

My friend, Maureen, told me of a couple of strategies she employed to keep a positive, prayerful outlook. One was to study and research all you can, then compose a prayer to God. In the latter, you are specific as to what you’d like to see happen. You start at the top. In her case, for instance, she wanted the lump removed but refused radiation. After she’d prayed devoutly and sincerely to Heavenly Father about this hoped-for result and upon receiving a positive feeling that He approved, she then built the rest of the outline for her Health Recovery Plan. She asked herself mainly questions about: How do I achieve the result I’ve prayed for? Where do I obtain the necessary products?

Another idea Maureen had was to visit her chiropractor doctor who also hypnotizes people for a variety of reasons. He made her a cd that she listens to each morning and night. The idea behind this is that the mind is an integral part of becoming well and to get your mind focused on fighting the cancer. Your mind has an equal responsibility along with your body and spirit prepared for the fight. I was so taken with this idea; I immediately made an appointment for my own cd.

A church friend alerted us to the fact that there is more than one type of radiation therapy. There’s two types of external radiation: one that covers the whole area and one that uses more sophisticated equipment to radiate externally just the spot where the tumor was. Then there is internal radiation. In this way, radioactive ‘seeds’ are deposited in the cavity where the tumor was for two weeks and then removed. Gratefully, Rex researched radiation therapy quite thoroughly.

Feb. 22, 2006: Wednesday - This is NOT a Drill

2007-11-05T08:56:00.000-08:00

Funny, ‘time’ was something I was so obsessed with before learning of my diagnosis. Now, it hardly exists at all. I don’t care how long it takes me to complete a task, to research a website or to read through a book. It’s as if the element of time doesn’t matter anymore.

One day, I’d be ‘up’ the next day, ‘down.’ Sometimes, my emotions would swing hourly. The reasons which got me down were:
1) When the news began to get out among church members, I dreaded facing them on Sunday and leading the music in front of everybody at our main meeting. I dread the inverted, embarrassed glances instead of steady, welcome faces I usually see.
2) When the first couple of calls came in on Thursday (one giving advice and the other support), it struck me so forcefully that THIS IS NOT A DRILL. It’s not like I’m not facing surgery to remove a tooth or have a toe fixed!
3) On Thursday evening, (Rex was gone to a meeting) I called 6 telephone numbers given me of people who’d had breast cancer and had taken Reliv. I wanted to know their experience on the product. I needed information on which to base a valid, reasonable expectation that I might not have to have radiation. Three numbers were no longer good. At one number, I got a telephone message machine. At one number, she said she doesn’t take Reliv anymore because she’s allergic to soy. At the last number (my one great hope!), she was just going out the door to a basketball game. I asked when it would be convenient to call her back. She said, hurriedly, “Maybe sometime next week.” I thanked her and hung up. And then I cried. I needed someone to talk to who had been where I’d been. I vowed from this point on, that anyone who calls and asks me for my story / information would have at least 5 minutes of my time. At the very least.

Feb. 21, 2006: Tuesday: First visit with a breast cancer oncologist

2007-11-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

Rex, my husband, and I thought we’d be leaving for Boise by 8 AM. However, the office gal from the surgeon’s I had chosen called to say that it was ‘no go’ with them because they didn’t take Blue Cross’ HMO insurance. That began an upsetting round of 3 hours trying to set up an appointment with another (Blue Cross approved) surgeon. We could have left it to my primary physician. However, he was not in today and not available by pager. We felt pressed to make the appointments as soon as possible. Finally, after much frustration, the schedule was set. To our further blessing, the oncologist said she could see us today.

Dr. H… gave me a thorough examination and some good news that comforted us. The lump was small – 1.3 cm. It is well-differentiated which means that the cancer cells still look a lot like normal cells (and therefore, haven’t infiltrated much outside the lump). Her assessment was that the lymph nodes probably haven’t been infected. The cancer was caught early. All good news! She did what she could to discourage me from rejecting radiation. “If the cancer recurs, it’s just that much harder to take care of it,” she said. Hmmm….

I couldn’t tell Dr. H… that the path I wanted to take towards full recovery had been partially shaped this morning when I read my scriptures. I had had no preconceived plan of searching miracles out. I just began to read where I’d left off on Monday. To my surprise, I had a sweet feeling of the spirit, a soft witness, when reading Chapter 17 of first Nephi. In it, young Nephi had been commanded by the Lord to build a ship that would take his extended family across the sea to the New World. Not only was he not a ship-builder by trade or hobby, but the plan revealed by the Lord was like none other he’d ever seen. In other words, Nephi was guided by the Lord to do something … unconventional.

Feb 20, 2006 – Monday: The Verdict is in: DCIS

2007-11-01T09:22:00.001-07:00

Feb 20, 2006 – Monday: The Verdict is in: DCIS

Today is President’s Day and so there was the possibility that neither the doctor’s (HMO) or St. Alphonsus’ Breast Care Center lab would not be open. I called early in the morning and both were open. When they heard what my query was, they both said that someone would get back to me. It was 10 AM when my primary doctor called. He sounded hesitant to deliver the answer. He finally said, “I guess you want to know the results.” I said with a firm voice, “Yes.” Then he said that the results of the biopsy showed that it was cancer.

This was really no surprise; I’d suspected as much. “The good news is,” continued Dr. R…, “that it is DCIS or Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, one of the more common forms and that it is in a mild state at present.” The name didn’t sound very mild; in fact, it sounded threatening. We talked about what the next steps would be: removal of the lump would tell us how far advanced it may be and radiation. May get away without chemotherapy. Some hormone treatment afterwards.” Because I already had gathered recommendations from a friend (who'd gone through this previously) regarding the selection of specialists, I could give that info to Dr. Rich and, as primary physician, he would call my choices of an oncologist and a surgeon, thus getting things into motion.

Well, at least now I had the facts. Before we hung up, Dr. R… said that he had hoped that it wasn’t cancer; that it was an anomaly resulting from the volleyball injury. He said that he’d be praying for me. Dr. R… is a member of our church. He advised me to seek a blessing after hearing this news.

No way around it: the emotions at such news just devastated me. Fortunately, another member from the church, Bill M…, was helping Rex with the clean up and final maintenance of our machines after their weekend snowmobile outing with the young men. Rex alerted Bill as to what was going on and the two of them gave me a blessing.

The blessing was beautiful. It calmed me a lot. It gave me great comfort in some of the unique things Heavenly Father said through his priesthood holders. Specifically:
I had many years of life ahead of me
Bless the doctors who attend me
Procedures would be minimally intrusive
Results would be the best possible outcome
Family and friends would be both a support and a resource in gathering info
to research, study and pray about.
This will be a blessing to our children and to our relationship

It was a day of calling family and friends with the news. First was our daughter, Lisa. When she heard what the blessing said, she was comforted. She later told me that at that moment, she and Greg called the children together, explained the situation, and counseled them to remember me in their prayers.

Next, I called my sister, Roberta. She did break down a bit but rallied as she expressed confidence that “if anyone could come through this, it would be me because of my attitude and spirit.”

Third, I called Maureen. She warned me that everyone and his cousin would have a cancer story to tell me. Trouble is, most are not positive and so it can get you down. Just gently tell them that perhaps now was not the best time to hear that story….

Fourth, began to call some friends.

Fifth, this evening Rex and I called and told most of the rest of our family, Robert, Ellen, Steve & Bree. They were all just blown away. Robert immediately emailed me some homeopathic remedies such as ‘massive amounts of Vitamin C.’ (In the future, both Wendy and Bree called often to check up on me and see how I’ve been doing. Their ongoing concern was much appreciated!)

Pat, Wendy’s mother, emailed the Reliv formula for fighting cancer. The formula is one taken by the founder of the company, Bob Montgomery, when he successfully fought his cancer. I have a lot of faith in Pat’s information. My faith is also based on my previous very positive experience in beating osteoporosis by drinking Reliv's basic nutritional formula plus its Reverse Age product.

It was a surreal day. I don’t feel bad. I don’t look sick. But I am. How then am I supposed to act? Should I go and lie down?

Feb. 17, 2006 – Friday: The journey begins: keeping the family informed

2007-11-01T09:10:00.001-07:00

Dear family,

The biopsy was done late yesterday afternoon. The results are supposed to be faxed to my doctor sometime today. He then is supposed to call me. 98% of the time the results acquired and relayed come within 24 hours of the biopsy. The other 2% of the time, the tests have to be reviewed by a medical team in Harvard and the results are delayed.

It’s Friday morning and Rex has left – with my blessing – on an overnight snowmobile ride with some of the young men and leaders of our church. Although we were both nervous about my being alone when the results were phoned in from my primary physician, I feel strongly that I needed this day alone to commune with my Heavenly Father and His Son, my Savior. It’s as if it’s a journey – this part of my life - to build my faith. Part of this journey is to be taken, understandably, without another’s help for no one else can quite share like They can the thoughts and feelings you are having.

That being said, I appreciate all of your emails. All of you responded empathetically and that gave me strength! The prayers you offered were also answered for I was not afraid throughout the whole biopsy process. The nurse/ attendant and doctor/radiologist were amazed that I took everything so calmly. It helped to know that the doctor had once been where I am now.

Janet, my sister, your email struck me as very perceptive. It does make sense to think that you take four girls and something, somewhere along the way in the way of female problems is bound to happen. I am grateful that it is me to go through this kind of thing first because, honestly, I don’t know what I’d be doing or feeling if it were one of you! I don’t think I could bear it. It occurs to me how fitting it is that the firstborn go through this first. I hope and know now that if any of you go through something like this as well, I will be able to help you through it.

When the results come in, I will email all of you. I’m sure it’ll be another long email at that time and it won’t be the last!

Talk to ya later ~
Love you all ~
Your Sunny sister

Feb. 16, 2006: Thursday - Biopsy for breast cancer

2007-11-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

The whole procedure took about 90 minutes. A medical clerk took down my medical history. An attendant / nurse (she did the ultrasound on Monday) explained in detail what the doctor / radiologist would be doing during the test. Rex was with me for these two parts and together we asked as many questions as occurred to us. Each and all were answered fully. Then the doctor came in and additionally explained the procedure. At some point during the procedure, she looked at me directly and said, “I’ve been where you are now.” Somehow, that was very comforting to know.

The biopsy would be performed via the use of a long needle that slides into the breast at a predetermined angle and extracts sample tissues for later examination. That’s the short of the long and the short of it. The needle cannot go into the breast directly over where the lump is because of the resistance that would occur as put up by muscle, fatty tissue, etc. Therefore, it slides in at an angle.

To determine the angle and therefore the point of entry, Dr. C….first did a mini-ultrasound to become familiar with where my particular muscles and fatty tissues were. Once she decided the point of entry, a small cut was made that is no more than a quarter-inch wide. From this spot, she could go in four times at slightly different angles and pick up tissue by use of tiny pinches attached to the end.

The needle itself I did not see because I was watching the proceedings on the ultrasound screen. I saw it maneuver the ins and outs of fatty tissue, etc. When it reached the perimeter wall of the lump, the dr. pushed a button that sounded – as best as I can describe it – like an air gun. I felt a thump inside and that’s when the tissue was being extracted. (They assured me it was the tiniest of particles.) The tissue was withdrawn and released into a vial that was sealed for later delivery to the lab. The doctor did this four times.

Rex, my hsuabd, had had a similar biopsy for his prostate a couple of years ago. He described the extraction action as a “ka-boom!” The medical personnel assured me it was more like a milder, “cha-ching.” Each time the doctor extracted tissue, she asked me how I was doing. The first two times, the extraction was like ‘cha-ching.’ No big deal. The third time, it was a ‘ka-boom!’ and it did hurt. The doctor said, ‘It’s no wonder because the tip of the needle had gone through and was now touching a muscle.’ So, she had to go after another tissue sample. That one, too, was a ‘ka-boom!’

Once the tissue samples were taken, the doctor went in with a tiny, tiny piece of titanium to mark the spot. The reason was that in future examination(s), the medical personnel would already be alerted. This part of the procedure is becoming common, mainstream. I asked jokingly if I’d be setting off any airport security alarms. She laughed and said no because the piece left was so tiny. That is good because I surely would not like to give any explanations! The awesome thing about this is that the marker is in the shape of the breast cancer research symbol.

All in all, the total procedure was no more painful that having a tooth ground down for a crown. That is, it was less painful than a root canal. Aftercare included cold packs on the point of entry, Tylenol if needed (other types of aspirin might make you bleed more), no bathing for 24 hrs, and no exercise. (No lifting even a jug of milk, etc.) Sleep with bra on – for extra firm protection of the entry spot, etc. Bruising may occur.

I have not experienced any pain except minor discomfort directly over the entry cut. I didn’t need to take any Tylenol. Rex and I went out to dinner, went grocery shopping and arrived home about 10 PM.

Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2006 - Fear vs. Faith

2007-10-29T14:37:00.000-07:00

I went about my normal routine today with one exception: I called our daughter, Lisa, and told her about the scheduled biopsy. Her reaction was basically, “Don’t go looking to borrow trouble.” In other words, don’t put any energy into worrying about if it is cancer or not until you get the results from the biopsy. “You’ll be fine, Mom,” Lisa said, “It’s probably nothing but some scar tissue left over from that injury.” That was the extent of our conversation about that subject. We did talk much on the challenges of raising a family that now included teenagers!

Calling Lisa left me upset. How are they ever going to make it through these challenges? But the Lord had counseled that I leave their problems in His hands. My worrying about them cannot be a healthy thing when I am in a battle for my own well-being!

One of the hymns to be played in our church's main meeting (called Sacrament) on Sunday will be played is #128 in our LDS hymnal, “When Faith Endures.” I took it out to practice on the piano. Reading the words was like Heavenly Father speaking directly to me:

I will not doubt; I will not fear.
God’s love and strength are always near
His promised gift helps me to find
An inner strength and peace of mind.

I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility.
His Spirit guides; His love assures
That fear departs when faith endures.

I saw the message as the very foundation of the battle I am now in.

Tried to get ahold of my friend Maureen. It’s been almost a year since she faced the same thing I now am going to go through. It would have been good to talk with her except she was not available. She was ministering to a neighbor, an older woman named Ruth. Ruth has inflammatory breast cancer. Her radiation burns requires changing bandages 3 times daily. Maureen is the 'angel' that does this for her. Ruth only has a few months to live. This is her second go-around with breast cancer. She went the conventional medical route both times.

In the end, this day felt so normal! It is hard to believe that I might be facing serious health problems. I don’t look sick; I don’t feel sick. Should I be taking it easy to conserve my strength or what? A strange feeling!

Tuesday, Feb. 14, 2006 - Bittersweet Valentine's Day

2007-10-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Rex brought to Bree’s home a dozen beautiful red roses for Valentine’s Day. His card read, “You are very loved by me. You are very special to me.” Looking at those roses gave me strength today.

I did have a couple of meltdowns. We visited the Idaho Boise Temple and I could hardly control my crying. I was fine with thinking about the ‘what ifs’ until I realized I didn’t mind the thought of death. I could handle that – my work in family history could be done just as well as on the other side of the veil. What opened the floodgates was thinking about my grandchildren and our son, Mike. The two things that could keep me wanting to be here on earth weren’t in place: I don’t have day-to-day interaction with our daughter, Lisa’s children; they live so far away! Also, Mike’s not in a ‘space’ – place – just yet for the two little spirits that are waiting up in heaven to come down to him.

In the temple, I received several insights that helped me get through the day. One of these was that the mass was cancer and another was that I would live. I asked Heavenly Father a question – not in anger but simply an innocent “I’d like to know why.” I was told one of the reasons why – very comforting – and had the impression that I would be healed in a Reliv-type way. I was comforted. (Reliv is a nutritional drink I've been taking for about a year now.)

Rex and I continued our errands, had lunch at a nice upscale Italian restaurant, and then left for home. Thoughts of ‘what if’ began to crowd in again. From the beginning, Rex encouraged me to speak of my feelings. (This is most surprising as Rex himself is not a 'touchy, feely' type of guy.) This time, I shared with him my disgruntlement about being hit (possibly) with another major health problem. I had just received my cholesterol scores on Sat., 4 days ago and was definitely not happy that all my hard work to get it under control through natural means was not panning out. And now this!

I did OK handling the situation – until about 7 PM. I was becoming a basket case again and asked Rex for a blessing of comfort. In this, my first blessing, I could feel my Father’s love. I was to lay aside my worries about my children. For now, our children and grandchildren are safely in the Father’s hands. I was told to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit - several times. Also, curiously, during this time I will be sensitive to both my needs and the needs of others. I sensed that Rex and I would have a couple of weeks sweetly comforted by the Heavenly Father.

After this, I emailed my sisters and brother asking for their prayers. Went to sleep curled up in Rex’s arms.

Monday, Feb. 13, 2006 - Discovery

2007-10-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

Rex and I drove down to Boise on Mon, Feb. 13th for our annual physical exams. Looking back on it now, I know we were both a little nervous: Rex because of the PSA test he’d take and for me, because of the mammogram I’d take. Rex has been working for the past two years on decreasing his high PSA score by drinking Essiac tea. As for me, I noticed an area on my left breast a few weeks ago (couple of months?) that had changed. It was in the same place where I’d received a volleyball injury several years ago in 2000. Sure enough, the mammogram showed a ‘hot spot’ that needed to be examined further so an ultrasound was done.

The ultrasound showed that the area – now called ‘a mass’ had changed from a mammogram taken back in 2002. It had become denser. An appt. was made for a biopsy, Thurs, Feb. 16th.

In the following hours, I had a few moments of pure fear, the ‘what ifs’ implications. However, as we were staying over at Steve and Bree’s for the night, I quashed my fears, played with the grandchildren (a joy) and later played cards with Bree, Bree’s father (Mike) and Rex.

The irony of it all is that on our trip down, we gave our friend, Lavona a ride to the airport. She was flying out to Pocatello, Idaho for her mother had just died on Sat night – from breast cancer.