I awake at 8:30 AM – crying. I talk with Rex for over an hour – through angry tears. Upset, confused, disappointed, doubtful, furious. If it would help the situation, I’d scream at the top of my lungs and throw any object with reach as fast as I could pick them up… It’s a good thing that Rex is still numb because he heard it all today. At least the numbness helps him to withstand my angry onslaught of words.
I AM ANGRY. The harsh reality of the moment means a postponement of experiencing the joy of living my life again. I’d had that happy feeling for the past two days and now I’m angry that it’s been stripped from me so soon! Normally, I hate to be sick. After two days of any illness, I have to be up and doing again, happily engaged and productive.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND. What does it mean, the promise given in one blessing, that the procedures would be ‘minimally intrusive?’ I certainly would not call the possibility of facing additional surgery and other suggested therapy treatment as ‘minimally intrusive.’ Nothing is clear; all is cloudy. I feel like I’m in the dark. Who and what do I trust now in order to make a sound decision? Myself? The answers to prayer I’ve received? God? The promises in the blessings I’ve received?
Quietly, a still, small voice says, “The cancerous tumor in the breast did shrink some. You did not ask amiss: the cancer is gone from your body. You’re just surprised to learn of a second spot. Really, all did turn out for the best. Your prayers and the prayers of your family and friends were heard and answered. You are following an inspired course. It’s just going to take a little longer than you thought.”
Humbled, I think of my anger and castigate myself for my lack of faith. I feel horrible. In a more humble frame of mind, I remember that in the blessing the Stake President gave, he said, “You will yet have a crisis of faith.’
This new challenge must be it! Then I think, this ‘test of faith’ could have been so much worse: I could have lost Rex suddenly in an accident. What if we’d lost one of our beloved grandchildren? We could have lost all our money in the stock market. We could have lost our home to fire, etc… WThe truth is that when my ‘test’ came, I wasn’t at all noble or brave or courageous. I feel like I am in a ‘black hole’ with patches of gray barely discernable. This feeling continues through much of the day.
I know I have to put this aside but terrible angry thoughts continue: Is He really there and is He really listening? Does what I have to say and what I want to do with my life, my talents, my gifts count for anything at all? If not, what good is free will? I know I want a blessing but I will not ask for one until my anger can be put aside. I read scriptures and pray in an effort to help the anger subside.
My spirit is softened and I realized in a flash of insight that it is normal for people to experience such anger when faced with a deep personal crisis. I’d felt a brief moment of what it feels like to be severely depressed. When you are, you say and feel all those things that I felt and said. With this insight, I felt the He did indeed understand and that He had forgiven me my lack of faith, etc.. I could then forgive myself and go on with what needed to be done today even as the day wound down. I felt healed.
I got on the internet to do some research. We have an appointment with the Dr. H…, the systemic oncologist, on Thursday. That means I have just over a day’s time to become familiar with as much of the terminology in the pathologist’s report as I can possible learn. A couple of things stick out. One is the score for the HER-2 gene. It is a 2+ and the pathologist advises a further test called FISH. What’s this all about?
I find from conventional medical websites that the HER-2 gene is something that occurs in 30% of all estrogen receptive positive breast cancers. It is a marker for aggressive breast cancer. The test normally given is the ImmunoHistoChemical (IHC). The range of scores is, on the positive side, between 0 and 3+. A score of 2+ is considered borderline grounds for concern. A score of 3+ is ‘you’ve got it.’
My sample tissue is now being subjected to the more expensive test called FISH (Fluorescence In Situ Hybridization). The FISH test is more accurate and rarely results in a false positive such as does happen with the IHC. The results have not been returned from the pathologist lab to the surgeon or oncologist.
This new information has an effect similar to being electronically shocked. What? It’s possible that I could have a whole lot more serious problem? Ironically, it kicked me right out of the anger and into the attitude once more of ‘I must have faith and trust in God.’
In the early evening, I receive a blessing of comfort under Rex’s hands.
More than once Heavenly Father acknowledges his love for me.
He will be there to help me plan in the days, weeks, and years ahead.
(Interesting that he didn’t say “months.”)
I will know what is right for me because I will understand it.
(I believe this relates to research and the counsel the doctor(s) may give.)
The hopes and desires I had of going on a mission are to be set aside for now. Whatever the future entails, the responsibilities I fulfill will be sweeter than I can now imagine.
Heavenly Father said that He is interested in what I want to do with my life and that we will work together in those areas for the greater good of all.
I am calmed.
I am encouraged because I know how to recognize what will be right for me.
I am filled with resolve to proceed with the decision-making process.
I can’t say that I’m so eager to learn and know as I once was for the simple fact of the matter is that the risk has markedly increased.
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