Last night’s conversation with respect to anger with Dr. H… disturbed me greatly. For one thing, I was so angry that he had introduced new elements into my decision-making process – after I’d made my decision! (Letter to God.) For another, thinking about what is righteous anger consumed me with doubts and fears. Would this battle be long and painful because I couldn’t muster the anger to fight?
I sobbed out my prayers to Heavenly Father. Dying would be relatively easy! What do I have to live for? This life is only a drop in the bucket considering my complete eternal existence. In the eternities, I know my family will be there and besides, the work I do here in family history, I can do there. So, what is there to keep me living here?
Rex and I talked about it. He is so supportive and sweet. Thru his participation in these conversations, I have truly come to feel his love and that this fight is ours, not mine alone. He suggested I go in to work at the Family History Center this afternoon. His well-taken point was that if I stop living my life, it’s as if cancer has scored a point. (I did later act upon his suggestion and it was a blessing to me.)
Heavenly Father sends angels to do his work at times. Because of my anger this morning, I absolutely did not want to talk with anyone. However, Kitty called – a rare event – and I couldn’t very well say, “I’ll talk with you another day.”
We talked for about an hour. I shared my feelings about what is it I am living for? Among all my friends, she would best understand this because she has said more than once that she’s ready to go Home. Now, when I asked my question, her immediate response was, “Because Heavenly Father put in us the will to live.” So simple and so profound! Yes, our Father did instill in us the will to live; the instinct to survive at almost any cost. He intended for us to have joy in this life. (“Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.” 2 Ne. 2:25) Hearing that it was as if my spirit said, Oh, yes, now I remember!
The second insight that came when talking with Kitty was when I described the measures I am taking pro-actively before the surgery. The language I was using came to my attention. I wasn’t saying that I was taking Reliv, etc. to prevent cancer or to build up my immune system primarily. I am taking Reliv, etc. because I am ATTACKING the cancer. I am on the OFFENSIVE. I am researching hours and hours daily for ways to BATTLE. In other words, I am fighting for all I am worth!
As both Kitty and Rex pointed out, there are people who need me in their lives, especially our grandchildren. Also, I came to realize that the specific work I do with in family history cannot be done in the spirit world.
The day now looked brighter. I was filled with purpose and direction….
A popular saying says that Love Heals. Today, three other people expressed their love and concern for me, which uplifted me and kept me upbeat: my sister Roberta, friend Karen and friend Glenda. ~ ~ A good day!
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